FEBRUARY 2006 (LIVEJOURNAL)

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40957
2006-02-05 19:10:00
2006-02-06 01:56:28
Nothing much at all...
It's February, and although the winter is going by quickly, nothing exciting has happened. It's the middle-of-winter blahs that I knew were coming, and the boredom actually creates a sense of anxiety to where...aside from working out, running, and doing school work, I don't feel like going anywhere. It's just so depressing. There is not one person in this entire area who is gay who I have any remote interest in, or who I don't already know - or who I haven't somehow heard of. And with Valentine's Day coming up, let me tell you...this only gets more depressing. Yes, this is going to be an entry about being alone and how much I hate it. Get ready or go do something else. You know, I work hard to take care of myself, stay in shape, I don't drink, I've never even smoked; yet the only offers I get are from much older men or drug addicts. Why, on God's earth, are the 2-5% of the male population who are supposedly gay always the ones who I don't have any interest in at all? Why can't the 2-5% of the male population who are gay be a representative cross-section - rather than the Malibu Staceys who wear glitter and Fatty Patty drag queens? I just don't get it...I'd love a gay Michael Jordan. Or Oscar de la Hoya. We're talking fantasy, I know. Not even that. Someone who is - at the very least - masculine, drug and alcohol-free, thinks like a MAN (this is a big one - and almost every gay guy knows what I'm talking about when I say this)...as I've said before I love girls but the reason why I am so attracted to straight men is how exotic and different they are. They DO things - they don't care about image or the Gap or suede shoes or $800 sunglasses. They just throw on whatever, get their stuff ready and head out. That's the kind of guy I want. In the gay world, you either get someone who's 55 and like this, or 25 and weighs 400 pounds (or 94 pounds) and is smoking a Virginia Slims. The problem is not that I am necessarily picky - becuase if I am at UMD or the mall - I can point out at least 50-60 guys I would do anything to get to meet - the problem is that none of these guys are ever GAY. And the guys who are gay are almost always predictable in terms of tastes, attitude, sex, whatever - I pretty much know what I'm getting from the beginning, and I just am not interested. Part of the reason I am so attracted to black and latin men, for example, is because the same-ness of being gay drives me crazy enough as it is - the last thing I want is someone who is even more like everyone else - and most white gay guys are not what turn me on. I have yet to meet a white gay guy - young - who doesn't take any shit from anyone, has grown up tough, and does whatever he wants. Everyone I've met follows the same blueprint and I don't know...I just find that boring. Jeff was everything I wanted in terms of exotic quality and excitement, he had stories that just fascinated me, and we had a sense of humor that clicked right from the beginning. I knew that as it was happening. I have never found that kind of connection since then. The good news is, I know what it feels like - to feel that connection. The bad news is, there's such a small supply of available gay men basically anywhere that it's doubtful that I'm going to find him unless I move, which I refuse to do. I've done enough moving for a few decades, for once I feel stable in terms of where I live, and I am just not willing to pick up and go anymore. I'm sick of nothing happening. I'm sick of trying so hard to work on myself and continuing to remain unnoticed by the kinds of guys I'd love to meet. I resent the hell out of the local gay guys who I wish would just go somewhere else because I'm tired of seeing them - and so some new blood could come here. If things only worked out that way. I am sick of seeing the same ol' guys that I don't have any interest in. It's rude to say that, but it's true. We have nothing to gain from each other besides the commonailty that we both desire the same sex. That's where it ends. I never see any of these guys working out, I never see any of these guys wearing normal guys clothes, I never see anyone gay who is new and exciting. It's the exact same guys I saw online - and out in public - for years. It's the same fatigue I felt in Minneapolis, which supposedly has the 4th largest gay population. But for those who say 'why not move to a city with more gay people' I say...if I was black, would you say, well, 'why don't you move to Detroit where there's lots of black people?'. My point is this: just because one city has more of anything - means basically nothing because quantity does not ensure quality. In Minneapolis I saw that over and over. Yea - there's tons of gay guys, but that doesn't mean they're any better off than they are here. It just means there's more people. My biggest disappoinment - when I first moved down there at 18 - was that I think I was seeking someone who had the answers about this life and what path I was about to go down. My biggest disappointment - with gay men specifically - is that the guys I talked to? They didn't have the answers either. 10-20 years older than me and they were just as lost as I was. That is what sucks the most. There is nobody to go to who has been there, done that, and lived to tell about it. It doesn't help that such a large amount of gay men are dead from AIDS today who would have been great mentors to those of us who didn't need sex - but needed someone to talk to and feel a sense of community. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling. At this point in my life- the past year in particular - I am feeling such intense feelings that change quickly. Rage. Anger. Sadness. Memories - such vivid, great memories of Jeff. Almost all of my memories of him are of downtown Duluth, and whenever I go downtown I can almost see him sitting at our table at the food court in the Holiday Mall. I can almost see him leaning against the front desk of the YWCA where I worked at night. Since all the day staff was gone when I worked, he'd just sit there with me all ngiht and we'd talk, talk, talk. Or I'd pull out the TV and we'd watch whatever was on. Or we'd have that whole lobby to ourselves and I'd turn the lights off - this was the winter of 1996 when we had all that snow - and we'd watch the snowstorms with the lights of downtown in the background. It was the coldest winter on record here yet the warmest times of my life. I go downtown today and feel - I feel greatful for the opportunity to have felt those things for someone. And angry that they never lasted, so what good is it to even dwell on it now - he's so far away - 165 miles away at least. And anger that I don't feel that I am ever going to find someone that special again. Anger when I sit at that same food court and read while I hear young people my age at the table behind me talk about their weddings or their kids or where the couple went last night. I want to just grab them and force them to listen to my story...how alone I feel...how I am glad they are happy but why don't I get to have that too...all with that lingering fear that all those books - all those right-wing people were right; that being gay really does mean being alone. We are so damaged emotionally as men that we have no way of developing a lasting relationship with another man. We drag each other down - that's all we know - and we almost enter the relationship not trusting each other. It doesn't help that sites like gay.com are loaded with stories of gay relationships not lasting more than a couple months without one or both parties cheating - rampantly- to the point where both guys got HIV - not from being with each other, but from both of them cheating with different partners. That kind of value system just makes me want to puke...that you say you love someone yet you are willing to risk his life for your own selfishness. All of this continues to reinforce that gay men are not trustworthy - we can't even trust ourselves - or each other. Something happens after 6 months with a gay relationship where we put these expectations on the boyfriend that are so unrealistic that in a way we are sabatoging it - so as to have an excuse to dump him, and that wandering eye comes right back - you're sitting down and he's looking over your shoulder at someone else and you just know that it's over. That's the fundamental difference between gay and straight men in relationships. Gay men - once they've lost interest - it's over. There's pretty much nothing that's going to change his mind, and nothing that's going to stop him from leaving. With straight men, there's usually a marriage, there's kids, there's a family-in-law, there's just a LOT at stake that is not worth losing. And straight men have been raised to expect to be cultivated for a relationship. Gay men, on the other hand, are aware quite early about the lack of prospects. Straight men are asked how their wife is 5 years later; we're asked if we're still together with our partner. And sadly, that is asked for a reason. Usually, he's still with the wife, while our relationships are long over with. I'm not going to deny that this is a shitty entry to read. But I'm just being real here...I'm tired of being called bitter because that's what you call pissy suburban housewives...why is it that straight men get to be 'pissed' yet gay men are 'bitter'? Why are we always equaled to women no matter what? What I feel is very much male - I am angry about the lack of options I have for starting my life and - at the most basic level - starting my own family, an option which was pretty much ripped out of my hands the day I came out; and for once not feeling like such an outsider. And the shitty deal is this: no matter how good a family you had coming out - such as mine - the fact is - if the majority of other gay men are still as messed up as you were 10-15 years ago, it doesn't matter. As long as your dating prospects are so unhealthy, the fact that you are healthy and can talk about life without getting high or drunk - doesn't make any difference. What good is it if you're the only one? Or if the other guys who are healthy - yea they're gay too - but so what? There needs to be more than just gayness to get things going. It's hard because while I distract myself during the day and keep busy I come home at night and feel as if there is virtually nothing to look forward to. This becomes more and more obvious as the days, weeks, months and now years go by with the same gay nothingness, the same stereotypical men that I don't give a flying fuck about, and the absence of the men I'd do anything to get to know more about. It's a loss of hope and it scares me sometimes. I try to stay afloat but it's very hard. I just feel like these are great times in terms of school and learning but the darkest times in terms of feeling so intensely isolated and more and more aware of there being few to no other gay men for me in thls life.
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41210
2006-02-06 15:28:00
2006-02-06 21:28:02
Much better mood - why not take some photos!



























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41265
2006-02-08 20:36:00
2006-02-09 02:37:54
From MSNBC
Nurturing a community in the online world
Gay men and women embrace Internet as an equalizer and a bridge

By Alex Johnson

Reporter

MSNBC

Updated: 12:32 p.m. ET Feb. 8, 2006

Bruce Vilanch is old enough to remember how gay men used to meet each other. This was back in the day before the Internet changed everything.

“In the gay community, what’s profoundly different is when I was coming along, the first point of communication for people was a bar.” Now, he said, “most people’s first contact with each other is online.”

“It’s made a shift in a way the community behaves,” said Vilanch, a top-shelf Hollywood comedy writer, star of the Broadway show “Hairspray” and author of “Bruce! Adventures in the Skin Trade & Other Essays.” “It’s no longer centered on bars or anonymous encounters. They can all be done online. They don’t have to be done in alleys.”

Today, “you don’t have to feel furtive,” he said. Then he noted a dichotomy: “But there are lots of people who get off on being furtive.”

Staring down fear and isolation
The rise of the Internet in the last decade and a half has meant major changes in how just about everybody goes about his or her day. But this is especially so for the estimated 15 million to 17 million gay Americans.

“The Internet is the greatest thing that has happened to gay people since the Stonewall riots,” the 1969 confrontations in New York that were a turning point in gay political expression, said Michael Alvear, a syndicated sex columnist and author of “Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon.”

“Nothing has increased individual self-acceptance, nothing has promoted more straight understanding and nothing has diminished the fear and isolation that gay people feel more than the Internet,” said Alvear, who is from Atlanta and is co-host of the British TV series “The Sex Inspectors,” which also airs on HBO.

Kathy Belge, moderator of the Lesbian Life section on About.com, went so far as to say the Internet had probably saved lives because “it’s broken the isolation for gay men and lesbians and, I think, especially for gay and lesbian youth.”

“Let’s say there’s a little gay teenager in a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Previous to the Internet, if there was no one else in his school or in that neighborhood, that kid could just think they were the only one,” Belge said. “And now they can go online and they can find chat rooms for gay teens, all kinds of information about coming out, resources to figure out if they are or are not gay.”

Belge said she had recently gotten an e-mail message from a 16-year-old girl in Australia. Fifteen years ago, she said, the girl would have had no one to turn to, but “now she has somebody that she can write to and say, you know: ‘What can I do? Here’s my situation; can you help?’”

Many prominent gay thinkers and writers echo those testimonials. Besides making it easier for gay people to reach out to each other one to one, they said, the Internet also gave them a way to coalesce as a community.

“Politically, I think it’s helped us to organize around certain issues, become informed,” Belge said, because national organizations can “get involved right away when there’s an issue going on that’s important.”

Alvear added that through sites like Family Acceptance, which helps gay people heal fractures with their families, the Internet “has not only changed gay people, but it has changed straight people.”

The flip side
Still, it is easy to give the Internet too much credit. American attitudes toward homosexuality have been liberalizing since the 1970s, long before the Internet arrived; that shift has been accelerated by the Net, but it’s inappropriate to conclude that the Net had a primary role in it.

“Things began to change [with] the civil rights movement and the feminist movement and then the gay rights movement,” said Katherine V. Forrest, a pioneering lesbian author who writes best-selling novels starring Kate Delafield, a lesbian police detective. The Net is a “facet” of that, she said, but “I think a number of things brought us together as a community.”

“Oddly enough, one thing that happened that we thought would absolutely destroy us was AIDS, but what that ended up doing was it absolutely united us as a community,” she said. “It brought many lesbians into the lives of gay men because we were there as nurturers, sometimes as nurses, as good friends, as supporters and as part of their activism because of the revulsion against that illness.”

And for all the help the Net has been, it has also brought about changes that not everyone is happy with. Take Vilanch’s observation about how gay people make contact.

Richard J. Schneider, writing last month in The Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide, ticked off a range of touchstones of gay life in America that look endangered by the Internet: “Small bookstores have been closing one by one, a casualty of Amazon.com; gathering places such as bars and clubs have been disappearing in many U.S. cities; local papers are struggling because they’re not getting the personal ads that once sustained them.”

More troubling, Belge said, is that the universality of the Internet has made the gay community easier to reach for those who would prey on it.

“It opens up especially gay youth for more victimization and potential exploitation,” she said. “We all hear the stories — right? — of someone meeting someone on the Internet and getting taken advantage of.”

What’s to come?
In the long run, the impact of the Internet will be measured as much by how it allows gay men and women to talk to one another as universally it allows them to talk to the outside world, because the gay community has its own divisions along lines of geography and socioeconomic status.

“If you talk to somebody in Chelsea or in West Hollywood, they’re going to say, no, [the Internet] hasn’t changed anything. But that’s not who it really changed,” said Alvear, the sex author. “The people who were out and proud ... that’s not who the Internet changed. The Internet changed everyone else.”

“I think that the Internet is actually a great equalizer,” said Damian McNicholl, an author in Pennsylvania whose novel, “A Son Called Gabriel,” was a finalist last year for a Lambda award.

“I believe that through education and through the portrayal of gay and lesbian people on the Internet ... that they live in suburbs, they write, they’re doctors, they’re lawyers ... I think that gradually it’s going to lead to total equality,” he said.

That day hasn’t come, Forrest said, but “today things are ever so much better.”

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41532
2006-02-08 20:39:00
2006-02-09 02:57:03
Response to MSNBC article
I guess, if anyone can comment on the effictiveness of the internet over the past ten years, it's me. Basically, the internet has slowly moved towards my only real source of social support - I mean, I have a lot of people I talk to during the day and like to think of myself as personable, but in terms of meeting other gay people exclusively, which is what I've wanted to do, the internet has been my only real option - besides hanging out at the sauna, which has lost its novelty over the years. I won't say that the internet is a good or bad thing because I've experienced strong feelings for both...it's good in that - there is no way I would be able to stand being in Duluth with the same dozen gay guys over and overr again. I hate it the way it is - having no options besides guys that I am completely uninterested in. The internet gives me the next best thing - an escape from the shitty gay reality here, an escape from feeling so goddamn different here (or anywhere)...it gives me a place to just BE. The only place I had for that in the past was, again, the sauna. And when I lived in Minneapolis, there was no place other than coffee shops or the bars, all of which were full of attitude fairies and people I had no interest in. The internet has been good becasue I have learned that moving to new cities will definitely not change my life. The majority of guys I talk to in other cities - be it New York, Anchorage, or Miami, say the same thing about the gay life there as I do here: same goddamn guys over and over, and nothing much ever happens. I've saved a lot of money, travel time and heartache by learning this. My game plan as a teenager was to save money and get the hell out of Duluth - and go anywhere i could to escape this isolation. Only thing is, I found that isolation again and again, because its waiting in whatever city you go to. Those are things you change within yourself - another city will temporarily give you a feeling of starting over, but six months into it, the old feelings and coping strategies are back, and the stuff you didn't deal with - what made you want to move - hasn't gone away. I remember feeling so disappointed when I went to Minneapolis and discovered that I felt the same way there as I did here...only the exclusion and isolation came from the gay community - which I wasn't ready for. I made an assumption that the gay community would be friendly and more open, and I found it to be very competitive and nasty. I don't like the other extreme here, where there isn't much of anything, but I'm slowly learning that life doesn't work out the way we planned it to - and someitmes you have to take those lemons that life gave you and learn how to make lemonade. The problem with the article is that it neglected to say much about the quality of gay relationships resulting from the internet - that the fact is, we have never had easier ways to meet one another, yet on a larger scale, the relationships aren't lasting - or even being found (in my case); the trust factor isn't changing much, because so many guys refuse to meet each other or even say anything to the others in the chat room, and the system is set up that you can go down a list, check off boxes that list qualities you don't find interesting, and exclude everyone who doesn't fit exactly the mold you're seeking. Now, I know we are all guilty of that to some extent....but look at how few of us there are. At some point we have to become realistic as to what would be 'nice' to have, and what's reality. My big issue is the alcoholism and drug usage. I will not tolerate that -or smoking - and just about everyone gay in this area participates in those things. I refuse to budge on that. So in some respects the article is true, that the internet has been a good thing for gay people to relieve boredom and develop some shallow friendships, but still the quality and duration hasn't changed at all. We still don't know what to do with each other, and sadly, the interest in even learning how to work on a friendship isn't even there to begin with. You can't 'make' those things happen. You can get an empathetic, kind person to learn how to be assertive, but let's face it, you can't teach an asshole to be kind.
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41955
2006-02-09 19:41:00
2006-02-10 02:03:06
Another Night
This is always a hard time of year. It's February, Valentine's Day is coming up, it's still very much "winter" although this winter hasn't been that bad, and spring, as I know it, is really still three months away. It's a good thing I have school to keep me busy, but if I don't get into the MSW program next fall, I am kinda afraid of what I'll do because I was really hoping on being able to get in. It was snowing tonight, and it was kind of nice to watch from inside. I don't like going out in the snow but I don't mind watching it from in my warm room. It was cold out today, so I didn't feel like going out and taking any pictures. If it warms up this weekend, maybe I will take some again. It's kind of fun to do that. I'm one of those people who is awake at 5:00 am and does my workout early, and the first thing I do is run. When I run, all the negative stuff goes through my mind...my grief, my anger, my depression, the sense of hopelessness, the feelings of grief. My workout is almost a physical challenge that makes me prove to myself that I'm still alive - sometimes I really feel that way - and when it's over with, I feel great about myself, and that I've accomplished something, but the "high" I get fades off at night and sometimes those feelings come back. I hate that. I look forward to completing my working out because I just feel so alive and active. At night, especially in the winter, there is nothing to do, noplace to go, and nobody to do anything with; I don't mind being nice and cozy at home but it's almost as if there's nothing to look forward to - nobody to do anything with, and nowhere to go, and that sucks. That feeling hit me the other day. Its as if time goes by. Theres no feeling of, "Friday I will be going here or meeting this person or doing something"; it's been pretty much routine now for the past few years. There's comfort in the routine. But there is also a sense of feeling almost invisible which I have never really liked. It's almost as if, sometimes, all of this feels like a dream. Like I'm watching everyone else's life stories unravel while I am standing still in time. I don't mind some of that. I like to people watch and observe; I like to analyze others. I'm sure they're doing the same thing with me. I was thinking more about the story from MSNBC I had posted yesterday and something else kind of irked me...in the original story. There was some comment that AIDS brought the gay community together through it's worst times, and I don't know who they interviewed for that, but from what I've seen that is so not the truth. Gay people especially distance themselves from anyone who looks or is even suspected of having HIV. Since we are so close to the problem, we are the ones who back off the quickest when we discover it in our community. The story neglected to say something that nobody wants to talk about: just because someone is gay doesn't mean they are enlightened about humankind. AIDS has proven, to me, a sort of test - that gay men (some, not all) are so self-interested and only involved in their own gratification that they will put their partners at risk by either cheating on him, or having unprotected sex and never telling the truth about it later (or getting tested). I admit, getting tested is scary. Getting tested alone is scarier. I know because last year at this time I was ready to know the truth, whatever it may be, and I went, by myself, out to the clinic and did it. I was negative, but I carried all my fears and worries along with me - alone. It's not fun. It makes all those one night stands and guys you were cruising who amounted to nothing seem so worthless. Because you know what? Getting off is great, but those guys won't be there with you when you get your HIV results 8 years later after having the flu for a week. That knocked some sense into me. That was my turning point that I am in charge of my health, and that I really am having a tough time (regarding trust) with other gay men. I don't think we value other gay lives, we've been told for years that we aren't worth anything and as gay men we project those feelings onto other gay men, which continues the cycle. In knowing this, I am not willing to risk my health - emotional or physical - for any of these guys who I know are only looking out for themselves. They don't know your name and they don't care. I guess I should be getting back to my school stuff...I dunno...I normally don't care about Valentine's Day because I never have really done anything fun for it anyways, but Jeff did give me some stuffed animal - thing when we were together and I'll be damned if I knew where I put it. I'd love to find it again just for sentimental reasons, but it's unlikely I'm going to find it after ten years unless it's up in the garage someplace. And I don't feel like going through everything just to find it...what's it going to change anyways. It's just another reminder.
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42192
2006-02-10 17:29:00
2006-02-10 23:29:13
My Friday Afternoon Walk Thru Central Duluth









































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42490
2006-02-11 15:50:00
2006-02-11 21:50:34
2-11-06

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

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Daydreamin' - Earth, Wind & Fire
amused

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42604
2006-02-12 15:58:00
2006-02-12 21:58:34
Why I don't like the Mall.


I figured it would be a little project today to get a shot of our big "mall", the Miller Hill Mall, which is the largest shopping complex for about 165 miles, until you get to the Twin Cities. People from all over the area come to the mall, from northern Minnesota, Wisconsin, and upper Michigan. And many folks come from Ontario as well to shop here on the weekends. The mall is on busy Highway 53, which is going through it's own growing pains and traffic problems, basically what is happening is downtown is coming to the mall. There's a lot of businesses here, mostly big box ones, but no real plan was set up to make this accessible. If you don't have a car, navigating your way around the mall area sucks. It was originally built in 1972, and since then, the Miller Hill area, which is on the northern end of Duluth (about 5 miles outside of downtown) is basically swamp. The roads are cracked, and what it desperately needs are some frontage roads. I don't really care to hang out at the mall. It gives me bad memories of walking around there in high school by myself while the 'cool kids' would run around in packs. The mall is a family place, and downtown is more of a place to walk around alone and take in all the sights. You can sit down someplace and just sit; whereas at the mall it's as if you have to be armed with 'looking busy' material. I hate that. However, there are times when a trip to the mall just has to happen...I love to read, and Barnes and Noble gets some great material to browse. Sometimes I head for the mall just for BN. Otherwise, I prefer to stick to the grit of downtown...I don't know, there's something about the history of the downtown and the stories that go along with it, the people you see; maybe subconsciously since I've always felt so different I feel as if I fit in downtown better. Anyways, it's always fun to include a shot of another part of the city...it's hard taking a photo of the mall here because it's all on one level and a very long structure.
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42868
2006-02-14 17:51:00
2006-02-15 00:07:50
Valentine's Day 2006
Well, today was fine. Since I wasn't around that many people most of the day, I missed out on what all the couples around here were doing for the evening...and to be honest, the whole thing doesn't affect me as much as I thought it did. I mean, if you don't have anyone to be with on Valentine's Day, you just don't; and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. It's interesting though, yesterday I was relaxing and thinking about things...wondering what's got me down about life, my prospects, being alone, being gay, the future, etc...and it came to me. I don't know what I want. There is anxiety there, but it's uncertainty. It's not about wanting a boyfriend. It's not about wanting things that I either can't or will never have. Because really, things are okay. I have a great family. I have few worries financially. I don't have much, but the reason why I get to have fun and do what I want is because I choose not to commit to things that are going to cost me a lot of money. I come and go as I please...if I want to do things my way, on my time, I go ahead and do them. My life isn't centered around a boyfriend's moods or whether he's going to leave, or wondering what kind of future this has. I get up early on the weekends and love to workout...it gives me a certain amount of energy during the day and I know that a lot of other people would never be able to do that on the weekend! I guess what I'm saying is...when you don't have a significant other, there's a perception that something's very wrong with you - as a person - and that's mostly a projection of society and its' own insecurity. For one thing, that is very much a straight society's expectation. I'm sure that, had I been straight, with what, about 98% more choices, I probably would be in the kind of relationship I desire. It's simply a numbers game...anyone who was faced with such low odds of meeting someone of their own sexual orientation - for one - and then compatible - for two, it's going to be very difficult. That's not a reflection of me as a person - that's not a sign that I've failed at being relationship material. It doesn't mean that I'm not attractive or special enough to be with someone. It means that the selection of gay men here, frankly, is horseshit, and that's something that isn't in my power to change. Again, if it were up to me, I'd love to be able to pick and choose who's gay and who isn't. The problem of compatibility and finding what I want would be over within two minutes. But life doesn't work like that. Deep down I feel good about Valentine's Day because I know that, whether or not I have someone romantic in my life, I have the capacity to love someone very much. I am a loving, deeply devoted person with much to give. I am happy for those who have what they've always been looking for. If I were in their shoes, I'd be happy too, and I guess the only alternative is that everyone would be unhappy all the time. So congratulations to those who have found who they've been looking for. I know that even though I have not found it, and maybe never will, love wins over everything else. There is love for yourself that goes into this as well, and that takes a certain amount of time and self-exploration. Which, I am going through right now. I wish everyone LOVE.
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43045
2006-02-15 18:17:00
2006-02-16 00:40:02
As the temperature drops...
That record-breaking warm winter we were having is quickly coming to an end. The temps are supposed to drop down to -40'ish within the next few days. I don't really mind getting this type of weather now that it's mid-February. I hate when it arrives before Thanksgiving, because we're set for a whole season of frigid weather. This way, I know that in two months life should be back to where it was last fall, and I will be spending more time outside. Still, if it's a clear sunny FREEZING day on Friday, I want to get some good shots outside. There is nothing like getting pictures of downtown Duluth when the temperature is below zero, the steam coming from the buildings, and the whiteness of the sidewalks. It just doesn't seem like winter here until we've had at least two days like this. I still haven't heard anything from UMD regarding graduate school. I'm preparing for the worst, hoping for the best, just like everything else in life. This semester I am just taking two classes, one is advanced composition, the other being industrial-organizational psychology (psychology of the workplace). Both are going pretty well. I have thought of a "plan B" in case I don't get into the program at UMD next fall, which is what I've been somewhat stressed out about. I know I messed up a couple classes when I first started, one being composition which I am retaking right now. I just hope that I don't have any other problems getting into this program. I hear other students agonizing about classes and GPA, I've tried to do well but never really killed myself to get an 'A' in everything, I don't really learn that way. I do well in classes when I connect with the instructor well and grasp the material...the grade I end up with doesn't mean much to me. I've had classes where I got an 'A' that mean nothing to be because the material came very easily; I've had classes where I just squeaked by with a C - which I had to work my butt off to earn. I really want to go far with education because I guess...being out of high school for as long as I was - with no degree - I saw the importance of why it is necessary to have one. Almost every job I looked at in Minneapolis required a degree - and all that diid was give you some peace of mind that your resume wasn't thrown in the garbage. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I didn't have a degree. Today, it means more than anything to have one. And now that I do, I feel that I want to continue as far as I can with ths. There is so much to learn - about the world, about yourself, about life. And I know, not all of that is learned in school. In fact, I'd say that only about 15% of that is learned in school. But that 15% does get you the jobs you need in order to survive....and I'm learning now, that when you are single, your income is all you have to depend on. I will not have the luxury of having a dual income household. It's going to be completely up to me to come up with my own financial security plan. And to be honest, I don't know much of anything about investing, economics, financial planning, any of those things. I never gave it much thought. But I really need to start thinking about those things. I think I said this a while back, but my plan - if I do not get into the graduate program this fall, is to get certified again for my national massage licensure and to retake the national personal trainer exam. I took it in 2003 and missed the passing score by three points. I think I could do pretty well on that exam this time. It's offered in May...if I buy an anatomy book now I can get a pretty good hold on the information by then. As for the massage liceensure, that is complicated. It's a long, expensive exam which is basically all anatomy and physiology. First you have to 'quality' to take the exam, and then they let you know when and where to take it. Both of these exams combined will run about 500 bucks. My mind is pretty clear tonight. No obsessing, no depression. Just reading my stuff for I/O Psych, and watching Tivo. What's on my Tivo list? - Beverly Hills, 90210 - The Cosby Show - Chicago Hope - KTLA Prime Time News (we have Dish) - Mama's Family - One Life To Live - General Hospital = I never cared for soaps until I was in the hospital back when my appendix ruptured when I was 11. I got hooked on ABC soaps...they've changed so much in that time. Now that so many of the characters are so young (and lead ridicously unreal lives), I don't watch it closely anymore; it's just something to have on when I'm doing something else or for background noise. Some of the original characters are still on, which is interesting. My favorite still is Robin on General Hospital. I remember back when she was dating Stone, and he had AIDS, and she was with him when he died.
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43475
2006-02-16 19:05:00
2006-02-17 01:28:20
Fragile...
Not a whole lot surprises me until it happens to someone I know. A friend of the family is going through a divorce...and was just made aware of it yesterday. Her husband - of 31 years - believes he had 'found God' and thinks that in order to get to heaven, he has to leave her and move away. He wants to sell the house, sell their cabin, and basically give all his money to the Church. I guess it's just unbelievable...stunning...I don't know how someone who has been married to someone that long, been through that much with someone, could suddenly decide to leave. She said he's been acting strange lately, becoming extremely religious and argumentative; almost wanting to pick fights with her as to why he should leave. It's just a bizarre situation - almost like he's gone crazy or joined some sort of cult. He never talks to anyone besides her, and my hunch is that he is getting this information and encouragement over the internet...apparently he spends a lot of time on these sites reading message boards. I guess what shocks me the most is...how fragile our reality is. When everything you THINK you know and believe about someone, after that many years, you were wrong. Or you were misled, and whatever vows they took fell apart. Because I am on the opposite fringe of relationship status, meaning that I am very aware of myself and I have never really thought about what it would be like to go through that many years with someone and suddenly have them leave - especially under these circumstances. I don't know if you can gain trust again even if this is reconciled. And I also am not sure that you can reason with someone who becomes obsessed with religion. This is why I've spent most of my life away from organized religion, I believe that it can take the place of any addiction if you allow it to. In her husband's case, this addiction to religion - giving money away, wanting to leave, isn't a whole lot different than what people do to get drugs. It's the same path. Again, I'm stunned. I just don't know sometimes about other people. Compared to our friend, I know I have a lot to learn about life and certainly don't have the answers...but it leaves me with a lot of questions about trust (which I already have tremendous issues with). When Jeff left, he did so without saying he was leaving. We had only been together for 11 months. Not 31 years! I just can't comprehend what that would be like. I think that for me, when I was with Jeff, I was learning for the first time how relationships worked. I was learning how to communicate with someone who I was hoping to be with for a long time, and learned a hard, life-changing lesson: no matter how badly you want something to work, you can not compromise with someone who has already made his mind up about leaving. If he's going to leave, he is going to leave, chances are he had this planned out for months, and you either didn't see it coming, or saw it coming but didn't want to admit it. That is where life throws you a major curveball - that same guy who caught your eye, the same guy who melted your heart with his smile and personality - the guy who you told everything to - ends up being the same guy who decides at 11 p.m. one night that he's packing up his stuff and not coming back. And naturally, your first reaction is shock and disbelief - that he's not really serious, until a couple of days go by and sure enough, he isn't coming back. There's no talking about it, no negotiations, none of your input makes any difference. Having said that, I have learned today that you make it through those kinds of things once you develop your own person - that you know that you're still going to be you after something like this happens. Once you let your identity merge with someone else -when they decide they don't want to be with you anymore - such as my experience - it is devastating. You have to be EMOTIONALLY ready for a relationship. Even though I was 21 when I was with Jeff, I was probably 13 emotionally. I was not ready for the reality of what happens when you put your trust too quickly into people you don't know very well.
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43573
2006-02-17 06:13:00
2006-02-17 12:14:59
Down with online dating
I had to post this. Reading this was too funny, and too true! Volume 5, Number 7 February 16-22, 2006 COMMUNITY Double Click for Love Exploring the world of precarious, unpredictable online lesbian dating A survey of online dating sites for lesbians—including JDate, which boasts 60 Jewish lesbian members—proved that sometimes, the old fashioned way of meeting prospective lovers, drunk at a party, is still the best way. BY WINNIE MCCROY When winter approached and I found my sheets too cold, I set out to find a nice lesbian to help warm them up. If modern love is a commodity, I reasoned, what better place to shop than online? Being a city girl I headed first to my trusty friend, Craigslist. I quickly discovered that if you’re looking for a quick hookup with a man or a straight woman who wants her boyfriend to watch, Craigslist is the place for you. This free clearinghouse is the absolute perfect place, bar none, to find an apartment, sell a sofa, catch a ride to DC, or get a free red-eared slider turtle. But for women seeking women, Craigslist is a black hole of regret and despair. To wit—after a weekend of disastrous encounters, I placed what I thought was a very clear ad on Craigslist’s women seeking women section. It read: “Are there any lesbians left in Brooklyn?” and went to outline very specifically my ISOs—a lesbian, 26-35, in decent physical shape, with a healthy libido, to hang out, watch movies, and go to dinner. My respondents took liberties. The first was a transgendered woman whom I like to call “the cake-licker;” when she finally sent a picture, I recognized her as someone whom I had seen tongue the dessert at two separate parties. Following her were a spate of co-eds who were either too young, lived in Queens, or both. Next were two women who said they wanted to do karate with me, and a Russian woman who insulted me in lieu of compliments. Finally, there was a beautiful Puerto Rican “adult entertainer” who sent me a dozen pictures of herself in panties and heels. The hook worked; I called, only to realize that I was way out of my element. When she began her line of questioning with, “Do you wear women’s underwear?” and progressed to, “Do you have all of your own teeth?” I knew my own ad had left way too much to chance. I later learned that the “adult entertaining” consisted of her traveling around the country serving as a dominatrix to men who wanted to be treated like a dog. Literally. With a leash and collar. I also suspected, after an additional line of questioning, that this beautiful Puerto Rican woman was actually a beautiful Puerto Rican man. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth. That’s not to say that no one has ever found her perfect match on Craigslist; in fact, my best friend and her girlfriend hooked up on the site—though they hardly like to advertise the fact—and they have been together for two years. Fast forward to a failed pick-up at Cattyshack, the Brooklyn women’s bar. Me, hitting on a nice worker from the U.N., who asks, “What’s your type?” Me, responding, “Why, you’re my type.” Her replying, “I’m seeing someone. We met on PinkSofa.com. You should try that site.” Me, face crumpling. Anyway, I check out the site, which bills itself as “the world’s biggest lesbian meeting place.” To their credit, there are loads of profiles of women who look good, and seem relatively normal, and more importantly, relatively lesbian. The caveat? It’s a pay site, and accordingly, the women skew older, as young lesbians tend to be underemployed and/or cheap. Still, the ads are promising, and I make a note to some day pony up the membership fee of $10 a week or $80 a year—I guess it depends on how optimistic you are—and meet some of these women with the promising blurbs. For Jewish lesbians who want to meet other Jewish lesbians, JDate offers a reprieve. Since November 2005, JDate has reached out to gay and lesbian Jews—there are currently about 60 active lesbian JDaters. But as a non-Jewish lesbian, the JDate revolution meant little to me. So, back on the prowl for the online love of my life—or at least a date I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with in public—I logged on to LesbiansMeet.com. The site is low quality, the women are listed by state, they are incredibly young, and although it says registration is free, if you try to access the profiles, you need to pay. But it did provide links to other sites, including connexion.org, a portal for gays and lesbians—a definite plus—that is not just a hook-up place, but has other forums. [Editor’s note—Army Specialist Jeff Howe was discharged as a result of his personal ad, which identified him as gay, on this site. Tim Gill, founder of connexion.org, posted an alert in the help section of his site for military members after learning of this incident]. I took the time to fill out the form, uploaded my photo and waited to see what happened. I made a search, and found transgender activist Riki Anne Wilchins—at least she’s reputable. Plus, this site has a sense of humor. The ISO section actually allows you to choose from a list of options including “single,” “available,” “in a relationship,” or, for those with very low standards, “breathing.” But there were only two pages of profiles, and among the first page was another friend’s girlfriend, who hadn’t checked her profile in almost 10 months. Still, two of the women were interesting, and had visited the site within the past month, so I gave a shout out. One of the women wrote back to say that she thought I had flirted with her during her first date with another woman at Henrietta’s two years ago. She said I had cool hair. I crafted what I thought was a witty response… and never heard back from her. She was too tall for me anyway, I told myself, ignoring the cold winds blowing through the rattling windows of my lonely Brooklyn apartment. After a few more foiled attempts, I threw in the towel. All of my forays into the world of online dating ended with little more than a budding case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Undeterred, I reverted back to my original methods, and ended up meeting a woman the old-fashioned way—drunk at a party. Hardly true love, but enough to get through a cold winter. Here’s to happy hunting! Services gaycitynews.com
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44066
2006-02-17 16:41:00
2006-02-17 22:41:12
This is what -50 windchill looks like.


I took this photo of the SMDC Fitness and Athletic Center today (the gym). The lake is in the background, and you can see that when the temperature drops this low, Lake Superior literally starts steaming because the water temperature is warmer than the air temperature. Needless to say, I'm not goin' anywhere tonight. It might get even colder yet!
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44491
2006-02-17 17:26:00
2006-02-17 23:28:24
In Other News...
Duluth Sauna Now More Accommodating by George Holdgrafer All-Night Saturdays Debut March 4 Now, when you’re visiting Duluth weekends, why look for accommodations Saturday nights anywhere but the Duluth Sauna, the best-kept-secret men’s getaway? It’s the most reasonable and fun social experience around. Following on the successful all-nighters Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends the past several years, the Duluth Sauna will open all night every Saturday starting March 4. For only $32, you can stay downstairs from Noon on Saturday to 9 AM on Sunday, and upstairs after 10 PM on Saturday. The private rooms upstairs each have their own individual sauna. What’s more, you’ll have in-and-out privileges. Leave and return whenever you want at no extra charge. Visit The Main Club and J.T.’s Bar & Grill in nearby Superior, Wisconsin, or just catch a bite to eat at the many restaurants in Duluth. Conveniently situated in Downtown Duluth on the same block as the Fond-du-Luth Casino, the Duluth Sauna is the only establishment of its kind in the entire region—from Milwaukee and Chicago to the east, Denver to the south, Seattle to the west, and Winnipeg to the north. People visit from all over: Minnesota and Wisconsin, of course, but also Michigan, the Dakotas, and Canada. It’s just a two-hour drive from the Twin Cities. Duluth Sauna owner Herb says, “Many people visit us during our regular hours, Noon-10:30 PM daily, but we hope they will stay overnight now on Saturdays, too. We always welcome new guys to discover what a unique and friendly place we are.” Duluth Sauna 18 N. 1st Ave. E. Downtown Duluth, MN (218) 726-1388
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45290
2006-02-20 17:14:00
2006-02-20 23:40:05
New Ideas
Lately I've been evaluating my methods for meeting new guys. New gay guys. New, young, strong, attractive gay guys who I would be interested in actually meeting, who I've never met before. Note that last part - who I've never met before. It seems, around here, it's the same dozen or so guys over and over again; no matter which way you slice it, you're going to see the same group of guys at whatever gay event you go to. I noticed this in Minneapolis also but on a larger scale, nonetheless it was just as disappointing. I can say a few things to be sure. Websites such as gay.com and match.com have been on my radar since 2000, and I've had nothing happen from either site. I've talked to a few very nice guys from thousands of miles away - and for that sake it's been wonderful because I've had some good conversations. But, with gay men, the problem comes down to this: at some point, if it gets serious enough, someone's gotta move. And I ain't the one who is moving this time. Did it before, not gonna do it again. On a local level, well, you guessed it, I can pretty much tell you who is going to be in the Duluth chat room on gay.com and be correct 99% of the time. It's the same 12-13 guys who've been on the site for years, I've talked to most, have nothing in common with any. I need more than 12-13 prospective men in my life...this just isn't doing it for me. The Minneapolis room is even worse; full of men who are just waiting like snakes in the grass for the next 18-year-old who has never been on the site before, if that's not you, nobody's gonna talk to you. All in all, gay.com has done very little to enhance my life. It's given me a lot of 'maybe some day' warm fuzzies, but after 6 years of no connections, I'm ready to flush it. Match.com is basically the same as gay.com, in fact, on a local level, it's the exact same guys. Imagine my delight after coughing up almost a hundred bucks for an annual membership only to get the one-page list of local gay men who I already know. Ugh! 110,000 people in Duluth and Superior and this is it? I just refuse to believe that. Other options include a smattering of traditional and non-traditional options: 1) The Sauna; 18 N 1st Ave E: A great idea once upon a time, in fact it provided some kind of mystery and excitement as you'd go there and never know who you would see or meet. Then a few years later, that question was answered - you ALWAYS knew who you would see and meet, and it wasn't good. Young in sauna years is 40, thin is 250 pounds. I've always been physically attracted to strong, dark, masculine, young men; what I've found at the sauna and elsewhere has been pale, much older, flabbier and passive men. Not even close. Not by a long shot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be overtly rude or mean. I am just ticked that no matter how I try, at least in the gay world, I always end up seeing the polar opposite of what I'm interested in. Always. 2) Coffee Shops: This is a broad category. There are many coffee shops in Duluth, but again, each time I see someone gay, it's someone I already know. I have never been surprised by catching the eye of a handsome young man or a friendly smile in return from someone I've never met before. 3) Groups (UMD, The Gay Men's Center): My experience with gay groups has never been good. It began in Minneapolis when I went to a group called LGYT (lesbian and gay youth together) when I was 18. The 'support' lasted from the time you were seen as 'new' until the next new guy came to group, which was usually a week later. Then you got the shaft and nobody really spoke to you again. The game started to become clear to me: everyone was sick of each other, all they did was talk about other people in the group, and everyone was ready to scratch each other's eyes out to be the first to get to the new guy who came along. Once that novelty wore off, so did their interest. I do not wish to be a part of that at this point in my life...and I've also found that these groups attract people who I have little to nothing in common with...and feel like I'm wasting my time. 4) Things I haven't tried yet: Nothing much - however, I've decided to approach things a new way. Part of it is out of curiousity, part of it is a new plan. I'm going to place an ad in the city newspaper (not one sponsored by lavalounge or one of those stupid dot-com things that prints their local ads in the paper) - this is going to be a regular, print ad in the local classifieds, with a mailbox that people can mail a letter to. Locally. That I can walk to and pick up. I am starting to think the old-fashioned way of mailed letters and seeing what happens might just work. No red tape, no 900#'s, no internet site sign ups, just a Duluth News-Tribune ad that people might see and may or may not respond to. I'll be curious to see what happens. What I am finding is that...again, I have a really hard time believing that the gay population here is only 12 people. There has GOT to be someone here who I would have some things in common with and have a good time together doing things with. I don't think it's impossible, but it's extremely difficult. Like Minneapolis, people here won't just come up to you and start talking. Nor do they make themselves approachable in that manner where you could do the same and start talking to them. And many guys here are naive enough where their intentions are not the same; they're not gay, they're just nice guys. I'm not really looking to talk to a nice straight guy...I'm looking for someone who is definitely gay, is speaking the same language in terms of values and interests, and it can go someplace.
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45357
2006-02-21 16:43:00
2006-02-21 23:10:55
Hey - I tried.
Thinking it would be a cool idea that nobody's ever tried before, I planned to place an actual classifieds ad ine Duluth News-Tribune (www.duluthsuperior.com). So, I went to the classifieds section online, noted that I wanted the ad "print-only" and wrote a quick, friendly ad stating that I'd like to meet other gay people in the area. Then I never heard anything back - from the newspaper. It turns out that they don't even run personal type ads in their regular classifieds section anymore - they leave that up to the folks at perfectmatch.com, which is another rip-off scheme that costs about a hundred bucks a year to join, and gives you all this misleading garbage about your 'perfect match' based on personality inventories and such. Then you are presented with a huge listing of potential guys to talk to, however: 1) they don't live in the area (which they don't mention until after you've paid and joined); and 2) the local guys who actually do have an ad online with a photo and description most likely dropped out after discovering that it costs money to join the service, so it's not possible to respond to them. After doing a Minnesota - wide search on there, I only found 10 guys who have paid and check their ads & responses on a regular basis. So pretty much, the service is useless. I don't blame gay.com or whatever site for these kinds of misfortunes. The majority of the disappointment is the small number of men I have to select from; and that's nobody's "fault" - I mean, it's biology. Either you're gay or you're not, and for the most part, very few guys are gay (and there are probably even more men who are gay, married, closeted, and will most likely take their secret to their graves without ever acting on it or talking about it). These sites have no interest in your personal romance or future happiness in it, because the bottom line is making money. They are a business, just like the mall, except I do not like their scheme. It's misleading because you are not informed about the actual number of available, paying members who you can communicate with until after you pay and join. Then you see that there's nobody to really talk to, and of course, at this point you can't get your money back. Sites like these work fine for straight people, I assume, because of basic numbers, I mean, they have about 98% more to choose from so naturally they are more likely to yield more responses and thus more successful outcomes. When you only make up 2% of the population it doesn't take long to figure out who everyone else is and draw some conclusions as to what your options are. The kicker is...all these years I have been out, since, what, 1989 when I was 14...I've never had a problem with me being gay. I've never had a problem with the act of homosexuality on a physical or moral sense. The problem began when I looked to my left and looked to my right and saw who the OTHER gay people were out there, that is when my disappointment began. Because I had grown up in a family that was very gay-supportive, I had this assumption that the gay world was just as diverse and accessible as 'regular' society'; what I failed to realize is that the great majority of other gay men had severely traumatic things happen as a result of coming out or just how they were treated, which carried over into adulthood - so a lot of guys killed themselves, got really heavy into drugs, moved, became HIV+ after moving, or simply went back into the closet after seeing what was out there. I have known many guys who fit into one of those categories. None of them deserve the things that happened to them. But I am at a crossroads at 31 where...I'm feeling like being a gay adult is like being in this rut - I mean, most of us want relationships and need companionship. When you never find it, or have to literally dig and dig for years to come close to finding it, you get tired. I am tired of trying. I am tired of not trying - because that means I'm not being honest with myself. I know I want to find someone special. The amount of hoops we have to jump through as gay men is unbelievable - first the guy has to be gay. Then he has to be out. Then he has to have a level of sophistication where he is comfortable with being gay, understanding how relationships between two men work, and how to work on those differences when life gets boring or tough, and let's not forget you both have to be mutually attracted to each other and have some interests in common. It's amazing that we ever meet at all. The problem comes in when, because of all these factors, the pressure is so much - that the relationship collapses quickly. When you have two guys who have very little experience in navigating a relationship, they seem to do one of two things: 1) cling on to each other and sink, or 2) run away from each other. I am not saying that a relationship can not work, but I am saying that...in order for one to work between two men, certain things need to be acknowledged, and understood that if things become difficult, there is someone we can talk to as a couple - whether its a therapist or whatever - so that the experience I had with Jeff isn't repeated, where the guy just up and leaves without saying anything. I think if you communicate early enough in the relationship, if you're with someone who is going to do that, you'll be more likely to spot it that much earlier. I had no idea until it happened. I do hope that something good happens, but I've been saying that now since September 1996. In some ways I feel good in knowing that I've done everything I can to get out there, become active and try to meet people, but I've failed to find anyone. It's like when you get a D on an exam but you know you really tried hard to do well. That's what this feels like. Inside I know that I've done everything possible, but outside that doesn't make me feel any better.
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45753
2006-02-22 19:12:00
2006-02-23 01:37:51
Back-broken Mountain
I'm sure nobody cares, but I had to rant on this one. I am getting so sick of everyone treating Brokeback Mountain like it was Uncle Tom's Cabin or something. In all fairness I haven't seen the entire movie, but I have read enough about it to recite it in my sleep. I know that this is the first movie about two MEN that has actually been successful. Hooray. I also knew this movie was going to be ridiculed to tears by all the types of guys you knew would ridicule it. I knew that there would be people opening up the pearly gates for Brokeback Mountain and defining it as history - an all time classic, something that would change everyone's opinion of gay men forever. It's going to take a lot more than Brokeback Mountain for that to happen. I know that the movie is a great step forward during a time when life has been pretty bad for us, but I am here to pop that balloon and bring everyone back down to earth. The number one thing I am getting from Brokeback Mountain - and I've said this before - is that gay men are liars. We started out as liars, we learned how to become great liars while our straight peers were learning how to kiss and go out on first dates. We were learning how to create an identity that was not at all who we were, and learn how to cover up anything that revealed our true selves. When someone learns those things during 5th-12th grades, its damn hard to unlearn the craft that goes into it. What it becomes is a launching pad for all the lies we learn how to tell other gay men years later, when we've come out and it's no longer necessary to lie anymore. We STILL DO IT. What I am getting from this movie is, just as those two men had to be deceptive and dishonest in order to continue their relationship, even if they had been able to be with each other, the lies they told to their wives would have somehow found a way into their relationship. Enter cheating, leaving, stealing, irresponsibility, surfing for online porn, you name it, gay men are the best at making up stories and getting just about anyone to believe it. We've become experts at 'making it look good' - meaning, as long as you dress something or someone up to look good, then they must be good. All the bad experiences, the ugly realities, the sicknesses, the true decay to the soul is all in disguise using a great outfit, a smart jacket, and a new pair of suede boots. What we don't do well with is dealing with the unflattering realities underneath the expensive clothes, the new haircuts and the extravagant stories. We don't deal well with the abusive childhoods. The parents who had addictions. The fact that our entire life story has been a lie - I have met so many gay men who claim to have masters degrees who never even got a GED. They claim to come from a wealthy family when the truth is that they were disowned and lived on the streets for 2 years. These are stories that make us real people - and someplace along the way gay men have learned that not only is it okay to lie to survive adolescence (I can understand that); it's also okay to lie to other gay men in order to score brownie points or make yourself the center of attention. I have seen that in so many gay men that I have a hard time thinking of gay men who haven't been this way. It's pathological lying. And that is why our relationships, 90% of the time, fail after 2 years. A good bullshitter can keep it up for about six months before his cover is blown. But with two gay men, both know what's up. You can't 'fake out' someone who has had to bullshit too. He knows when you're lying because he had to do it as well. So almost inherently, we don't trust other gay men. I got that loud and clear from seeing parts of Brokeback Mountain. Men can't be honest with other men - warts and all. It has to look good, sound good, and then everything's okay. Lying is acceptable. Even lying about HIV has become commonplace. What worries me about all of this is...these are the kinds of personality disorders seen among inner city kids who have witnessed such horrible things as young children they become 12-year-olds with no conscience, running around with a gun, with an attitude that human life means nothing because his life means nothing. He doesn't have a problem with killing someone because he knows that he won't live to see 18 anyways. His brother didn't, his dad is in prison, that is all he knows. He has no conscience. In a similar way, this is how gay men tend to be. Our anonymity and disregard for each other's lives is what's killing us. We sleep with men we don't even know because we are starving for affection and at some point don't care who it's with, as long as we feel touch and sexuality. Safe sex and values are thrown out the window until 8 years later when the HIV- man gets the flu for a month, and ends up being HIV+. How many men has he infected in those eight years? He doesn't know, and he doesn't care. He was getting his needs met, and he never knew the other men anyways. This is how our community is dying. We don't trust each other so we go for the easy stuff - the quick, never-see-you-again sex, because the emotional stuff is too painful, too close to home, many of our stories as gay men are the same and we don't want to admit that...so we don't deal with it. We die. I am sad to say that this movie hasn't generated any conversations like the one I am engaging in with myself right now. Instead people are going on about how the actors looked, or who paid 100K for the shirts of the actors or some off the wall bullshit. Nothing deep, nothing that will generate REAL change. In that regard I am disappointed because as a society we have failed to look at the big picture - to take what was understood from the movie and apply that to our lives right now - what we are dealing with. Have we lost the capability to think in those terms?
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46006
2006-02-26 21:44:00
2006-02-27 03:44:03
End of Feb





























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46149
2006-02-26 21:55:00
2006-02-27 03:55:08
Downtown Feb 2006





























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46401
2006-02-27 18:01:00
2006-02-28 00:22:35

The winter is going by kinda fast...which is okay...and sometimes bittersweet. This has been probably the most reflective winter of my life thus far...since it's been 10 years ago since I was with Jeff, this year has basically been a year of memories and reflection...on March 1, 1996 we got our apartment, and that was so exciting. It was like I felt like a real adult for the first time, with someone who I was on this same path with. It felt so special - being a part of something. You know when you have a really good feeling about someone? Somebody where, you have no looming worries or potential regrets about? That's how I felt about him when we moved into King Manor. It had to be the coldest March I can remember, but that apartment was so warm and it was just the best feeling ever to hear that cold wind whip around outside but we were warm and together inside. The memories I have are very special and probably the best moments of my life. I don't look back on them with sadness really...becasue I am remembering those times as they happened, not exactly comparing them to my life now. There are a lot of things that I was not considering then - like finishing school, looking at my own future, etc., that I am doing now...that's something I needed to do, and I needed to do without any distractions. I was more focused on him and just the accomplishment of having a relationship rather than school. And maybe things needed to happen that way, I'm not sure. All I know is, had I not done the events I did then I might have never met him, and I would be sitting here today with no stories of romance to tell at all. So looking at it that way, I don't feel bad about it. I'm lucky that it even happened once. Anyways, we lived well together. We had a similar pattern of living where we both were pretty quiet but liked to do the same things and liked the same kinds of tv shows & music, so it really was a plus. It's never much fun when you and your boyfriend or roommate are complete opposites. You have to have a few things in common. There was an article on gay.com about age differences in gay relationships and it was interesting but...I mean, in terms of age, I guess, we all have our preferences. But with my own experience being gay, none of this means much anyways. The gay marriage thing means nothing to me either. I don't ever see myself meeting anyone again, so none of these things feel like issues that will ever affect my life anyways. In a way, I just don't care nor do I have the strong opinions I used to have. When you realize that something is not going to have any affect on your life, it's interesting to talk about, but in the end it doesn't mean a whole lot. The age difference with gay men is something I don't really give much thought about because the commonalities we have being gay (and how different that is) is greater than the differences within the gay community in terms of age or race...but not many gay men would ever admit that. The problem is that hardly any of us are interested in each other, and the only thing that holds us together is our disinterest in women and other gay men. The difficulty comes in when (and I'm not excluding myself in this either) we have caviar tastes on a hot dog budget. Being that we only make up 2-3% of the male population, that doesn't afford us the same pickiness as say, what straight men can discriminate between. In theory that makes sense. But in reality, I think that male sexuality is extremely tough to negotiate - we like what we like for whatever reason, and as much as you say that looks shouldn't matter, when you've got two men, hate to say it, but they do matter. Two men who lack mutual physical attraction for each other are guaranteed a one way ticket to nothing. And I have found (not with age differences, but with coming out differences) that guys who are not very experienced or just coming out tend to use other gay men as stepping stones. I am extremely suspicious of closeted or just-out gay men because they tend to be very dishonest and flakey...they say one thing and then you never hear from them again, or they're talking to you online (and fifteen other guys too)....sorry, but that kind of stuff is garbage. Not much else going on, just gearing up for Grandma's Marathon, which is June 17th.
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"The River"/ Total Contrast
chipper

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2006-02-28 15:24:00
2006-02-28 21:52:38
Lost It
I'm disappointed in myself sometimes...whether it's the way I dwell on things, or muddle through life, or procrastinate; whether it's setting goals and then just not following through with them, or knowing that some of my goals are achieveable but setting myself disappointment, or self-pity...there are times when I know exactly what I am doing and I'm not happy with myself as a result of it. Last night when I was online, one of those moments occurred. I was on gay.com and this man began talking to me in the local room. I had never seen him before, and he commented that he liked my picture. I checked out his profile and wasn't interested in him romantically, so I tried to steer the conversation towards something neutral to be nice. He didn't take a hint, and after a few minutes I got incredibly pissed. Maybe it's because I spent a lot of the day reminiscing about the apartment that Jeff and I were moving into 10 years ago today, maybe it was because I just got home from Walgreen's after seeing a beautiful hunk of a young man who I would have given my front teeth to to get to know him better (but he wasn't gay - of course). Combining those two strong feelings together, and I was in no mood for yet another local guy I had no interest in pushing too hard. I just got pissed...why is it that every gay man here has to look a certain way and basically be the opposite of what I am attracted to? I love young, strong, masculine, dark, healthy, confident men. This guy was pretty much the exact opposite of that. And I basically told him that, we had nothing in common, and I wasn't in the mood to talk to yet another gay guy from Duluth that I had no interest in. That's all that ever happens, I was getting angrier and angrier, and I just blew up on him. Of course, the moment after I signed off I felt bad. I didn't mean to attack this man, he had done nothing wrong, I mean, if I was interested in someone of course I would press a little to get his attention. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, because deep down that is not the kind of person I am. I was not raised with those kinds of values...to make people feel bad about themselves because we have enough of that going on in this world as it is. I spent a lot of this morning re-evaluating the person I tend to become when I get angry...and things like this especially make me explode. I already know that my options in this Life are so limited in terms of what I have available to me that it evokes a deep rage inside...I go to the mall or school or someplace where straight people are who have basicaly the kind of lifestyle I would love to have, yet I don't get to have it. The tiny selction of men I have avaliable to me in any city never seems to be what I'm looking for, and when they are what I want, they don't want me. And then when someone does finally talk to me from the area, he's 20 years older, a heavy smoker and 300 pounds. It makes me angry and it makes me feel like a freak. It's different when this happens to young women because they have so many guys to pick and choose from. They can brush it off as some jerk who can't take no for an answer. But for me, since I never get any offers anyways, when I finally do it's either from someone I have no interest in, or someone who only wants to get laid. It just makes me feel hopeless about life sometimes and I dunno...makes me wonder why the hell am I even here? What's my purpose? Not that a relationship has to be there to make you feel purposeful but this isn't about that. This is about feeling like someone notices, that someone who I would like to make a connection with also wants to make one with me - that belief that he is out there, and I have to keep holding on to that. But it's been ten years now, and that hope for me is wearing thin. How many years, realistically, would someone keep telling themselves that? I know I've said this a million times but it just baffles me...I've done what I can to better myself as a person. I work out - a lot - I am a great conversationalist, I think I'm pretty smart and witty, I don't have much money or sophistication, but I'm not looking for that quality either, so it doesn't matter to me; I just don't believe that the number of gay men is always slanted towards the fat, unhealthy, alcoholic types rather than at least one of those attractive young men I see out and about. Why aren't any of them gay? I try to get out there and do things that I love doing, because I've always believed that when you're doing what you like to do, you attract people who see you're having fun and they want to be around you. While I do see a lot of friendly, hot guys, they aren't gay. That was the case in Minneapolis too. The everyday, cute young guys who wore normal clothes were exactly what I wanted, but not gay; the ones who went completely overboard with tanning or expensive clothes or just being outright ridiculous were of course the gay ones who were trying too hard which for me is an instant turn off. Part of my rage is again, I didn't ask for any of this. I truly think that being gay is what's fucked up most of my life. The feelings of isolation and feeling so different...the feeling that I can't trust other gay people, or that since they always end up being the same kinds of guys, it's not like I can even fantasize about a good gay relationship, because there's never any gay guys I'm interested in anyways. I had a lot of support coming out but what I've found is that most gay men have too many of their own issues that they're dealing with to be of much support for other gay men. They're of no help or availability because the things you're dealing with they haven't resolved either, and they're just as lost as you are. It all leaves me very confused. Especially since I came out at 14, I never though I'd still feel this ambivilent about being gay at this point in my life. I figured that everything would be settled, I'd be well on my way, and things wouldn't be where they are. But I had been in a deep rut, because there is no support. My straight friends try to listen and at least empathize, but this is something that is hard to explain. It's about wanting a boyfriend, but it's also about a feeling of belonging and feeling desired, as well as feeling as if you are worthy of desiring someone you want to be with. Straight men get that option all the time, gay men almost never get it. There is a huge difference in terms of how that impacts each groups life and self-esteem. When you feel as if nobody's interested, and that your only options are so unhealthy and emotionally damaged people whom you don't find attractive, it presents you with a terribly bleak, isolating picture of the world. These are dark times in my life. I am aware that I have many things that I am very luck to have in terms of family, but when it comes to my feeling that I am an adult with my own future and prospects, I haven't felt good about that for a long time now.
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