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Lately I've been going back and reading my journals from 10 years ago to compare where I am now with where I was then, what's changed; what hasn't...what I've learned and how I m living my life now to prove that. The good news is I think I have learned to stop running - or stop constantly looking for someplace else (or someone else) to run to, when that is not a long term solution...I know that you need to find those things within yourself, but I am still trying to figure out how to do that. In 1996 I was having a very tough time. After Jeff moved out, he moved IN to the YWCA, where I was working at the front desk. So now, not only were we not speaking to each other, but I had to watch him walk in and out of the building acting like he didn't know who I was - that was very hurtful to me and I don't think I ever really got over that. To this day I still find myself wanting to contact him to find out why he treated me this way, but as time goes on I have slowly let go of things like that. Back then I really panicked because I wanted a relationship, I wanted the quick fix but I had no options - Jeff was all I knew - and it became more clear to me that he was never coming back into my life again, yet I had to deal with him on a daily basis. I felt so empty. Today. I have done so much looking back at what choices I've made and some dumb choices I continue to make, the good news is I got treated for my depression and have found some other outlets for feeling better about life...the downside is that I have pretty much given up on this whole gay thing because nothing ever seems to work, the guys who are gay never seem to be what I want, and we have nothing in common besides the fact that we are both gay. There has got to be other common variables there in order for anything to work; and in 10+ years I have not found one gay person who I am attracted to or would be able to get along with for a relationship. And I don't know what to make of that. In some ways, I lose my motivation to do things like look for a great job or care about school, because if it's just going to be me, then why rush? I have nothing to hurry up for. I have no kids to worry about, no partner to worry about, if it's just me, I can move at my own pace, and do whatever I want. I've become so used to that...I'm not sure if I could handle someone else interfering with my life. I also do not want to have another experience like Jeff where I get so close to someone, get so comfortable, and suddenly they leave - it chips away at your sense that people can be good and people outside of your family can be trusted to stay in your life for a long time. The more I experience life the more I am losing faith in that.-
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One compilation from one of my favorite artists...
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10 year anniversary of my favorite show!! This is a megamix that was made on New Years Day 1997!
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