Sunday, April 30, 2006

APRIL 2006 (LIVEJOURNAL)

-
-
54159
2006-04-01 16:45:00
2006-04-01 22:58:44
Another Saturday
The weeks go by so fast. This one was better than last week I think, but next week I am worried again. My parents both signed up for this heart scan, and even though they are fine it makes me nervous when they go in for these kinds of things. My mom went in two weeks ago; my dad goes in on Monday. It's a new service they offer at SMDC where they can scan through layers of the heart and correct any problems as they examine it. It is fear of the unknown...it makes me nervous as my parents get older and scares me at the same time. People go into that hospital and clinic every day and leave with terrible news they never knew about; I would hate to have to deal with that on top of everything else. I don't have anyone in my life to comfort me outside my family. I don't know what I'd do. It's something I don't even like to think about. The only good news is that the days will get longer starting tonight, so it won't start getting dark now until about 6pm. Before that, around Christmas, it would get dark around 4:30. That's tough when it is dark when you leave the house in the morning and then it's dark when you get home. It makes you not feel like going anywhere, and sometimes that's kind of comfortable when it's cold and you just want to be home. But I think I'm ready for it to be warmer outside and definitely ready for it to be summer. The weather last summer was perfect but there was nobody to do anything with...I found plenty to do on my own, but let's face it...after a while that's no longer exciting. There has to be someone else around here who I haven't met yet who would be fun to hang out with. I've gone to so many places, I mean...if I was going to cross paths with someone I feel like it would have happened now. I know I go into that a lot. But I just never thought it was going to be this hard. It's hard to hang on to hope and keep going and keep trying, especially when it seems like every day is the same as the day before. For me days have turned into years and now a decade. And I admit it, it's very lonely. I don't think anyone knows what this kind of loneliness is like especially after years go by. And espeically when the intensity is this heavy so early in my life. For a long time I thought I was just overly-emotional but I think now that I feel the same way a lot of other guys feel, but nobody wants to stray from this illusion that we are all happy and everything's great.
public
0



-
54462
2006-04-06 20:17:00
2006-04-07 01:44:31
What a week
Life never prepares you for anything in advance. It just happens, and you have to act on it and just learn how to live with whatever is going on. It doesn't care if things are going well or not. There are no checks or balances. On Monday my dad had his angiogram that my mom had done two weeks ago, and he had to stay overnight at St. Mary's because the procedure was more serious than they had thought, so they ended up doing two balloon stints to clear the blockage. The GOOD news is that St. Mary's has this layered heart scan - one of only a few in the country I think - which can detect these things - and prevent a heart attack in 5-10 years by noticing things such as blockage and whatnot...so had this technology not been around who knows what would have happened. This is why people have heart attacks when they are driving. This is why people have heart attacks and everyone says "he/she is the last person I would have expected to have one"...if people know about this heart scan, they can get checked. Because regardless of choices you make like smoking and drinking and eating right, if you have a family history of heart problems, which we do, it is important to get it looked at sooner rather than later. This test literally saved my dad's life (and my mom's - she didn't need the procedure, they can control the high blood pressure with medication - which her former doctor had not even diagnosed! So I am realizing that it is really up to you to make your health care decisions - you have to do the research, you have to look out for the studies or the new technology and just get it done. It's something I am going to have to do someday also. I just keep thinking that had my mom not made my dad go - would he have gone? So there we sat in the "Surgery Family Waiting Room" at SMDC (St Marys Duluth Clinic - photo above) and I thought about a lot of things. My parents are getting older, and so am I. Everyone in that waiting room had families or a spouse. I am constantly reminded that someday I am going to be alone in all of this - and that terrifies me to the point where - prior to today I was afraid to even talk about it. I'm not going to have anyone to push me to go for a physical or get that checked out by a doctor. I won't have anyone back at home helping me recover. I just have that gut feeling that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If the last ten years have taught me anything, it's that I can not wait around any longer - I have to start assuming some things are going to be kind of how they are now, and I can either continue to fight that and believe the people in my life who (well-meaning) tell me that someone good will come along. But none of them have spent 10 years alone and they also haven't experienced the amount of loneliness and depression I have. They have no idea what this is like. While I am extremely thankful that my dad and mom are okay, I worry about who will be there for me someday when they are not okay. And who will be there for me when I get older. I look to gay men who are my parents age and they are alone. Many have been alone all their lives, and while I never saw myself in that category in the past - mostly because I tricked myself into thinking 'things have changed' - they haven't changed enough. While society has accepted gay people slowly, that does not mean that gay men have accepted each other, nor does it mean that we are any better at being able to maintain a relationship. I envy what straight couples have - and the point isn't that they stay together longer or anything, but the amount of choice they have. Being gay, I see the same damn dozen guys over and over, and over again. They have been around for ever, and that's about as good as its gonna get. That's not enough for me. I need more than 12 potential people, whose only qualities similar to mine are that we both like men - to pick from. I'll just have to continue to work on being okay with being alone. It appears that most other gay men have done that. I don't know how, but they do it. It's the one thing I have feared all along since I was 14 that I would never meet anyone special and now I'm living the reality of that. At 31. The point isn't whether or not I will find someone. I want someone to share my life with and share my dreams and myself with. Everyone says that I'm someone who has a lot of good qualities and take care of myself, and look good, but I feel like I'm the ONLY one. What about my needs? Sure, there might be men attracted to me but I'm not interested in them. Where's the guys I want? When Jeff left in September of 1996, it hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be put through that again, because the recovery from that was much longer than the actual relationship, which wasn't even a year. The aftermath of that betrayal was probably the worst feeling I've had in my life. And I refuse to go through that again. It will kill me. It's a very tough life being gay, and I'm not saying this looking for pity. Because pity can't change reality when you know what reality is. I see people my age at that hospital - couples my age - starting their lives, having a baby, doing those things that start a family and a life. They are there beginning their futures - however dysfunctional those futures may be - they have that CHOICE. I continue to be so depressed that - and I have the 10 years now to prove it - those choices have been taken away from me. I have no future to plan or hope for with anyone. I have me, and the only person who will likely be in my life is me. And yea, most people end up alone later in life but they aren't thinking that at 31. That is what's so hard about being gay...for me anyways...the things that other people have to hope for - a marriage, kids, fuck - just MEETING someone - are things that I have been denied for ten years now. It's not by choice. The selection of available gay men is absolutely horseshit. And there is nothing I can do about it. So I left the hospital happy that my dad has a new lease on life - I am going to make sure that he takes care of himself, we eat differently here at home, and we get the dogs out for walks. Instead of feeling more depressed about what I felt on Monday, I am trying to see it as more time with the people I love - my family.
public
0



-
54578
2006-04-07 14:19:00
2006-04-07 19:50:36
Thursday night, continued...
Weather-wise, it was a fantatic day here. The days are getting longer, and while it's not exactly warm out yet, just the presence of the sun helps sometimes. I took this photo of the SMDC Medical Campus, which is where we were this week, and where the fitnes center I work out at is located. It's a great view from the top of Skyline Drive looking down, and an even nicer view from the fitness deck to the lake. On clear days like today, when you're running on the treadmills (which face the lake) you just think about everything...and today I did that. My run went by really quickly in fact. I was tired last night when I updated my journal here. When I'm tired I tend to say things as I'm really feeling them, rather than sounding like everything's fine when it's really not. I also tend to fear the worst and whatnot...this case I was really conflicted because my fears have been building up for a long time, and it's hard to talk to anyone about them. Being able to talk about them more on here helps because mabye someone else understands, and while I don't feel like I can relate to anyone, maybe someone can realte to me. That was the goal of going online with my journals to begin with. My fear has not always been that I would end up alone in this life because in many cases I do fine in that sense. I'm a somewhat selfish person who does what he pleases when he feels like it; that is how it's been for a long time and having someone in the way of that would be a major shift for me...also the fear that this person would eventualy leave, as most seem to when you least expect it. There's nothing like planning a future with someone only to discover a year later that they didn't want the same thing, they never told you this; suddenly you arrive home one day and all his things are gone and so is he. You're fine for the first few weeks: you tell yourself that this is for the better, you're glad it only was a year rather than five, thankful you didn't have a joint bank account; but then a month or two later it really sets in: he's not coming back. Ever. That was what I had not expected. My first few weeks with him gone were fine. But in the back of my mind, I always thought, aww, he'll call and want to come home, he needed space, etc., but that call never came, and he never showed up in my life again. The pain of that - the feelings of rejection and dishonesty that go along with that, will shape who I am for the rest of my life. I am now much more guarded than I ever was before. I prefer to lay everything out on the table when I get to know someone so there are no hidden surprises or secrets...I feel it's best that you know what you're getting yourself into when you seek someone who you are looking to share your life with. With Jeff I pretended not to see certain things that I knew were wrong - the inability to disclose any emotions, the fact that I had been out since I was 14 and he was just realizing his homosexuality was a big issue; probably the hardest thing was the realization after he left that...he had planned to leave probably many weeks or months prior to leaving, yet he was very convincing that we would work things out and do whatever it took. I always thought that I had people more or less figured out, that I had a good instinct about someone and I was totally wrong with this. I invested all of my emotions and feelings into somoene who I trusted as family (big mistake - but at 21, you do things like this)...again - that has shaped me into who I am now. Things may appear a certain way on the outside, but on the inside you have no clue as to what someone's motivations are. I'm not sure if you ever do. The hardest part is, when you are gay, you have an extremely limited number of future options (as I've described many times on here)...it's not as if you can go out a week or month later and just meet someone new. It takes years. Sometimes it just never happens again. When you are part of a group that makes up such a small percentage of the population, the chances for finding someone you truly connect with again are very low. While I felt okay about being single after Jeff left, a few years later I began to realize how difficult this life was going to be. My good feelings about being gay were slowly disappearing, and I was becoming more and more cynical: if I can't meet anyone in Minneapolis or Chicago, and I talk to guys from New York and Los Angeles who are pretty much saying the same things I am, then moving won't change this situation. I had moved four times in about 8 years hoping that a new environment would bring new people into my life and change things. This never changed anything except the fact that I had to start over again, I was losing more money by "starting over", and no new men were on the horizon. Those same 12 guys I always complain about here were in those big cities too, except instead of 12 stereotypical gay guys you have 120 or 1000, and that only makes you feel worse, because that place you had counted on - that 'promised land' was an illusion painted by people who used the same escape mechanisms you use, but they neglected to tell you that they didn't find much either. They were also seeking a quick fix to a very complicated problem. I am discovering that very little has to do with location. The majority of the problem has to do with being gay in a society that continues to teach gay men that we aren't important, and we never will be; in turn we look at other gay men as unstable people who are not to be trusted, and since we have all this isolationism going on within this tiny group of men, that is where the addictions begin. People start to do anything to comfort a wounded soul, a lonely house, an empty bed. The problem with gay activism is that it's become self-serving...gay marriage will not change the fact that most of us missed out on many years of relationship-building skills; you can not have a successful marriage when both parties have been taught to dislike themselves and secretly sabatoge each other...not to mention that usually, with two men, both will say, yea, I'm leaving. I don't want to work things out. if you have two people in a relationship and neither one of them want to work on it, then what's left? Nothing. That is brought to the next relationship, and nothing has been learned. That is my depression...this mounting feeling that, not only are there no gay men here who interest me, but if there were, what chance does it have? What chance does it have if, once again, I am the one who believes in staying together and honesty and he is plotting something?
public
0



-
55458
2006-04-19 16:59:00
2006-04-19 22:02:13
Back to LiveJournal
I'm thinking that I like using this service better than the .mac one. It's just easier to use this one, there is no waiting for everything to 'upload', and it's just got more of my past entires. I hate to start over again! I had an interesting phone call last night. Over the past...year or so I've been getting calls looking for Jeff. Almost every week, and finally last night I asked the woman on the other end what this was about, and briefly described who I was in relation to Jeff... I told her that the only place I knew to possibly get in touch with him would be his parents; her experience was the same as mine: his parents told her 'wrong number' and hung up. Sounds like they are acting as if they don't even have a son. I then told her that I had been concerned about him because I had tried contacting him during the past year and haven't had any luck, knowing him the way I do, he is alone someplace and not dealing with whatever is going on (I know this isn't my problem - but I do still love him very much and just because of that I want to make sure he's okay). I wanted to know how they've continued to keep our number now since 1996 because to me it's odd that they have tried contacting him for so long with no luck and not giving up. She told me that she was from a place called People First - I've never heard of them. I explained that my phone number was in Duluth (she was calling from Minneapolis). I asked what address she had on file because it made no sense to me that they would continue to contact someone who hasn't been at our address for so long. She provided me with an address he must have given someone in January of 2006, so I wrote it down, made up a postcard, and sent it off to him. I want to talk to him about what's going on, why he hasn't called me, and why he's apparently using our phone number for whatever he's doing. After some research, I found that People First is a part of Capital One, which provides car loans to people with little to no money. No wonder this woman sounded so desperate to get a hold of him - he probably stiffed her on paying back the loan. But again - I have no idea. I haven't talked to him now in years and unless he's changed a lot since then, my suspicions are that he's the same ol' Jeff...so in some ways I really want to talk to him but on the other hand I am not sure. However, a few things now start to make sense. Any contact I tried having with him via his parents address most likely got discarded and he never got it. I guess I feel better in knowing that he didn't just toss my letter that I wrote to him (they did)...and that maybe I will get in touch with him this way. Unfortunately, since I haven't talked to him in so long, things might not be going so well and he might not want to be contacted. So I guess I am unsure if I will even hear from him again. I am getting a little tired of chasing him down to try to talk to him. But I don't understand why he is using our phone number at the house (in Duluth) but using a Minneapolis address (one was on Stevens Ave S near Lake St; the other address from January 2006 is on 2nd St N near the Warehouse District). So I don't know if he's moving from place to place or what. The fact that his housing is in such transition worries me...not to mention that his parents have apparently disowned him. I don't know...I want to make sure he's okay, but the more I think about where I am going with my life, and where it appears he is going... I love him. He's the closest thing I know to what love (relationship-wise) is. I have always cared about him a lot, but he's got a lot of work ahead of him in terms of figuring out who he is and where he wants to be in life. I have spent the last 10 years working on those things, and I have had to deal with the loneliness and frustration that goes along with that to feel slightly better about myself today...to feel more grounded. I think he is still lost, and nothing would ever want to make me go back to those days again.
public
0



-
56148
2006-04-20 13:14:00
2006-04-20 18:16:54
Today's Duluth-News Tribune Top Story
Rash of robberies concerns police CRIME:Duluth police believe young men are mostly responsible for 20 street robberies that involve physical violence but not weapons. BY MARK STODGHILL NEWS TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER A71-year-old Duluth man was walking to his car after making a purchase at a Central Hillside liquor store last month when a young man approached and asked if he had the time. When the man rolled down his car window to answer, the younger man struck him twice in the face, demanded money and tried to steal the car. That quick burst of violence is one of 20 strong-arm street robberies reported to Duluth police in Lincoln Park, Central Hillside and East Hillside this year. No weapon is used in strong-arm robberies, but hands, arms, feet, fists or teeth are employed -- or their use is threatened -- to take a victim's possessions. Duluth police are asking for the public's help in identifying the perpetrators. They also warn people to be aware of their surroundings, avoid unlighted areas at night and to call 911 to report suspicious activity. Most of the Duluth robberies have occurred after dark. Most of the victims were walking alone when confronted by multiple assailants. Eight people part in one incident April 1 when a 23-year-old man was forced to give up his wallet near East Fifth Street in Central Hillside. The robbers are males who appear to be in their late teens and early 20s, police say. "They're trying to get wallets, purses," said Duluth police Lt. Gordon Ramsay, who supervises the downtown district. "My thoughts on this is it's a group of kids doing it for the thrill and to make a little money," Ramsay said. "If you watch the modern media today, and a lot of these movies, they kind of glorify going out and jacking someone up on the street. They don't show the effects that it has on the victims." Police have made one arrest. Kalin Vaughn William Wenell-Jack, 22, who has no permanent address according to court records, is being held in the St. Louis County Jail. He's accused of first-degree attempted aggravated robbery and attempted theft of a motor vehicle in the incident involving the 71-year-old man. Sgt. Scott Campbell, who leads the Duluth police Violent Crimes Unit, and investigators Michael Ceynowa and Laura Marquardt are working to identify the perpetrators in the other robberies. "It's an opportunity crime," Campbell said. "It's not a predetermined victim that's going to be robbed. It's somebody that was in the vicinity at the wrong time and these guys were there." Ceynowa said there has been street talk that some of the suspects could be part of a gang that calls itself "The Wild Boys," but he said police have not confirmed such a link. "It's a younger group of males, and some of them we believe are loosely associated with each other as acquaintances... but we don't believe all of the robberies are related," Ramsay said. Police are searching for an answer to why there has been a higher-than-usual number of strong-arm robberies this year. Campbell provided one theory: "The community is ever-changing with the residents that come in," he said. "A group may have come in to our community that may be accustomed to that type of harsh lifestyle and may be victimizing certain groups on the street in the evening hours in dark portions of town. The exact reasons are unknown until we can identify who they are and find out what their background may be." Police ask that anyone who has information on the robberies call the Violent Crimes Unit at 730-5050.
public
0



-
56320
2006-04-20 20:05:00
2006-04-21 01:28:06
Dumb Ideas
The bright idea I had to write to Jeff the other day has crashed. Emotionally - for me anyways. I know why I wanted to get in touch with him. It's got nothing to do with the phone calls here for him or anything like that. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to hear his voice again, I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone in wanting to connect again somehow. I wanted to feel like this summer might bring something good and exciting into my life again besides the same boring routine that occurs everyday; finally bring someone into my life again that I can look forward to talking to and just be with...I've been missing out on those things for so long now and it just feels like I'm never going to get to experience any of that, at least not with the crappy selection of gay men here. I had hoped that Jeff would somehow reappear into my life again and like magic all this other stuff would go away, these feelings I've had anxiety over (not meeting anyone, the shitty selection of gay people, the sense of how my future looks in light of that) would just not matter anymore because once he came into my life, I had what I wanted. I didn't think about the rest of the gay community or the lack of attractive, young healthy men because I had one. I didn't need to worry about it. But once you lose him, you're right back to where you started again, except now you're 5-10 years older, and the selection is 5-10 years older too. And they're all about the same as you'd remembered them; not very appealing and of course no sweet new surprises just the old crows. I sent that letter two days ago now to Minneapolis and it should have gotten there by now. He should have gotten it. However, that was the address he had as of January 2006, so who knows, he might have disappeared again or something. Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me. Fuck. This just drives me nuts. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm nuts for maintaining interest in someone who is so not accessible but...hey, he's all I've ever known. Jeff is the only boyfriend - or anything close to one - that I've had now in ten years. In many cases, yea, I am desperate. In some subtle ways it's been implied to me that it's either him or nothing because who else is out there who is gay, not on drugs, not my parents age, not 400 pounds, not resembling the elephant man, not a smoker, etc...? Hardly anyone. When I met Jeff he was all the things I had ever wanted - masculine, sounded like a man, walked like a man, dressed like a normal guy - sounds silly but after seeing the parade of Abercrombie queens most of my adult life believe me, a normal acting man who happened to be gay was a dream come true. Finally a gay man who was a man rather than a girl trapped in a gay man's body. Because of that alone, it's important to understand that he's worth finding. He's not perfect but neither am I; that's the other thing I loved about him so much, he wasn't this typical gay perfectionist where he had to be the best, dress the best, get the best grades, outdo everyone else, etc...he was your ordinary everyday Mr. Jeff...not incredibly ambitious, but a good guy who eventually got there. That was good enough for me. Again I am faced with this weird sense of not knowing what the hell is going on. Maybe he got my letter and maybe he didn't. Maybe he wants to talk to me and maybe he just blew me off. I was JUST to the point where I was through thinking about him and then this phone call arrives and a discussion about Jeff begins; I get this address he was at and I just had to try one last time to contact him. I told myself all along that it's unlikely that I will hear from him and even if I do he might not be the guy that I remember him being. I have no idea what he has done over the last 10 years. While I have lived with my family in one of the most affluent neighborhoods in Duluth, he apparently has been on very bad terms with his family and judging by the addresses he's living at his finances aren't so great. Once again, just like when we first met, we are coming from two opposite places, and those differences had a big impact on us then. I just want someone in my life. I'm tired of feeling 15 forever. I'm tired of seeing gay people around here who I've seen for the past dozen years and it's as if nobody new or young ever comes along, or if they do, they're an addict or a fucking drag queen. Never anyone that I am interested in or haven't seen or heard of...that drives me up the wall. My fantasy has been that Jeff would just come into my life again and we'd run off and never see gay people again, it would just be us, living our lives and doing our thing like the first time, except we would real with each other...the hardest part is when you're ready and wanting something so badly but the other person isn't at that point, or is so lost that he may never be.
public
0



-
56799
2006-04-21 17:50:00
2006-04-21 22:51:11
Gay Men & Depression: a link from gay.com
so whatdya think? GAY MEN AND MENTAL HEALTH Summary: Recent studies show homosexuals have a substantially greater risk of suffering from a psychiatric problems than do heterosexuals. We see higher rates of suicide, depression, bulimia, antisocial personality disorder, and substance abuse. This paper highlights some new and significant considerations that reflect on the question of those mental illnesses and on their possible sources. The American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its diagnostic list of mental disorders in 1973, despite substantial protest (see Socarides, 1995). The A.P.A. was strongly motivated by the desire to reduce the effects of social oppression. However, one effect of the A.P.A.'s action was to add psychiatric authority to gay activists' insistence that homosexuals as a group are as healthy as heterosexuals. This has discouraged publication of research that suggests there may, in fact, be psychiatric problems associated with homosexuality. In a review of the literature, Gonsiorek (1982) argued there was no data showing mental differences between gays and straights--or if there was any, it could be attributed to social stigma. Similarly, Ross (1988) in a cross-cultural study, found most gays were in the normal psychological range. However some papers did give hints of psychiatric differences between homosexuals and heterosexuals. One study (Riess, 1980) used the MMPI, that venerable and well-validated psychological scale, and found that homosexuals showed definite "personal and emotional oversensitivity." In 1991 the absolute equality of homosexuality and heterosexuality was strongly defended in a paper called "The Empirical Basis for the Demise of the Mental Illness Model" (Gonsiorek, 1991). But not until 1992 was homosexuality dropped from the psychiatric manual used by other nations--the International Classification of Diseases (King and Bartlett, 1999)--so it appears the rest of the world doubted the APA 1973 decision for nearly two decades. Is homosexuality as healthy as heterosexuality? To answer that question, what is needed are representative samples of homosexual people which study their mental health, unlike the volunteer samples which have, in the past, selected out any disturbed or gender-atypical subjects (such as in the well-known study by Evelyn Hooker). And fortunately, such representative surveys have lately become available. New Studies Suggest Higher Level of Pathology One important and carefully conducted study found suicide attempts among homosexuals were six times greater than the average (Remafedi et al. 1998). Then, more recently, in the Archives of General Psychiatry-- an established and well-respected journal--three papers appeared with extensive accompanying commentary (Fergusson et al. 1999, Herrell et al. 1999, Sandfort et al. 2001, and e.g. Bailey 1999). J. Michael Bailey included a commentary on the above research; Bailey, it should be noted, conducted many of the muchpublicized "gay twin studies" which were used by gay advocates as support for the "born that way" theory. Neil Whitehead, Ph.D. Bailey said, "These studies contain arguably the best published data on the association between homosexuality and psychopathology, and both converge on the same unhappy conclusion: homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorder, conduct disorder, and nicotine dependence...The strength of the new studies is their degree of control." The first study was on male twins who had served in Vietnam (Herrell et al. 1999). It concluded that on average, male homosexuals were 5.1 times more likely to exhibit suicide- related behavior or thoughts than their heterosexual counterparts. Some of this factor of 5.1 was associated with depression and substance abuse, which might or might not be related to the homosexuality. (When these two problems were factored out, the factor of 5 decreased to 2.5; still somewhat significant.) The authors believed there was an independent factor related to suicidality which was probably closely associated with some features of homosexuality itself. The second study (Fergusson et al. 1999) followed a large New Zealand group from birth to their early twenties. The "birth cohort" method of subject selection is especially reliable and free from most of the biases which bedevil surveys. This study showed a significantly higher occurrence of depression, anxiety disorder, conduct disorder, substance abuse and thoughts about suicide, amongst those who were homosexually active. The third paper was a Netherlands study (Sandfort et al. 2001) which again showed a higher level of mental-health problems among homosexuals, but remarkably, subjects with HIV infection was not any more likely than those without HIV infection to suffer from mental health problems. People who are HIV-positive should at least be expected to be anxious or depressed! The paper thus concluded that HIV infection is not a cause of mental health problems--but that stigmatization from society was likely the cause--even in the Netherlands, where alternative lifestyles are more widely accepted than in most other countries. That interpretation of the data is quite unconvincing. The commentaries on those studies brought up three interesting issues. 1. First, there is now clear evidence that mental health problems are indeed associated with homosexuality. This supports those who opposed the APA actions in 1973. However, the present papers do not answer the question; is homosexuality itself pathological? 2. The papers do show that since only a minority of a nonclinical sample of homosexuals has any diagnosable mental problems (at least by present diagnostic criteria), then most homosexuals are not mentally ill. In New Zealand, for example, lesbians are about twice as likely to have sought help for mental problems as heterosexual women, but only about 35% of them over their lifespan did so, and never more than 50% (Anon 1995, Saphira and Glover, 2000, Welch et al. 2000) This corresponds with similar findings from the U.S. Relationship Breakups Motivate Most Suicide Attempts Next, we ask--do the papers show that it is gay lifestyle factors, or society's stigmatization, that are the motivators that lead a person to attempt suicide? Neither conclusion is inevitable. Still, Saghir and Robins (1978) examined reasons for suicide attempts among homosexuals and found that if the reasons for the attempt were connected with homosexuality, about 2/3 were due to breakups of relationships --not outside pressures from society. Similarly, Bell and Weinberg (1981) also found the major reason for suicide attempts was the breakup of relationships. In second place, they said, was the inability to accept oneself. Since homosexuals have greater numbers of partners and breakups, compared with heterosexuals, and since longterm gay male relationships are rarely monagamous, it is hardly surprising if suicide attempts are proportionally greater. The median number of partners for homosexuals is four times higher than for heterosexuals (Whitehead and Whitehead 1999, calculated from Laumann et al 1994). A good general rule of thumb is that suicide attempts are about three times higher for homosexuals. Could there be a connection between those two percentages? Another factor in suicide attempts would be the compulsive or addictive elements in homosexuality (Pincu, 1989 ) which could lead to feelings of depression when the lifestyle is out of control (Seligman 1975). There are some, (estimates vary, but perhaps as many as 50% of young men today), who do not take consistent precautions against HIV (Valleroy et al., 2001) and who have considerable problems with sexual addiction and substance abuse addiction, and this of course would feed into suicide attempts. The Effect of Social Stigma Third, does pressure from society lead to mental health problems? Less, I believe, than one might imagine. The authors of the study done in The Netherlands were surprised to find so much mental illness in homosexual people in a country where tolerance of homosexuality is greater than in almost all other countries. Another good comparison country is New Zealand, which is much more tolerant of homosexuality than is the United States. Legislation giving the movement special legal rights is powerful, consistently enforced throughout the country, and virtually never challenged. Despite this broad level of social tolerance, suicide attempts were common in a New Zealand study and occurred at about the same rate as in the U.S. In his cross-cultural comparison of mental health in the Netherlands, Denmark and the U.S., Ross (1988) could find no significant differences between countries - i.e. the greater social hostility in the United States did not result in a higher level of psychiatric problems. There are three other issues not covered in the Archives journal articles which are worthy of consideration. The first two involve DSM category diagnoses. Promiscuity and Antisocial Personality The promiscuous person--either heterosexual or homosexual --may in fact be more likely to be antisocial. It is worth noting here the comment of Rotello (1997), who is himself openly gay: "...the outlaw aspect of gay sexual culture, its transgressiveness, is seen by many men as one of its greatest attributes." Ellis et al. (1995) examined patients at an clinic which focused on genital and urological problems such as STD's; he found 38% of the homosexual men seeking such services had antisocial personality disorder, as well as 28% of heterosexual men. Both levels were enormously higher than the 2% rate of antisocial personality disorder for the general population (which in turn, compares to the 50% rate for prison inmates) (Matthews 1997). Perhaps the finding of a higher level of conduct disorder in the New Zealand study foreshadowed this finding of antisocial personality . Therapists, of course, are not very likely to see a large number of individuals who are antisocial because they are probably less likely to seek help. Secondly, it was previously noted that 43% of a bulimic sample of men were homosexual or bisexual (Carlat et al. 1997), a rate about 15 times higher than the rate in the population in general--meaning homosexual men are probably disproportionately liable to this mental condition. This may be due to the very strong preoccupation with appearance and physique frequently found among male homosexuals. Ideology of Sexual Liberation A strong case can be made that the male homosexual lifestyle itself, in its most extreme form, is mentally disturbed. Remember that Rotello, a gay advocate, notes that "the outlaw aspect of gay sexual culture, its transgressiveness, is seen by many men as one of its greatest attributes." Same-sex eroticism becomes for many, therefore, the central value of existence, and nothing else--not even life and health itself--is allowed to interfere with pursuit of this lifestyle. Homosexual promiscuity fuels the AIDS crisis in the West, but even that tragedy it is not allowed to interfere with sexual freedom. And, according to Rotello, the idea of taking responsibility to avoid infecting others with the HIV virus is completely foreign to many groups trying to counter AIDS. The idea of protecting oneself is promoted, but protecting others is not mentioned in most official condom promotions (France in the '80s was an interesting exception). Bluntly, then, core gay behavior is both potentially fatal to others, and often suicidal. Surely it should be considered "mentally disturbed" to risk losing one's life for sexual liberation. This is surely among the most extreme risks practiced by any significant fraction of society. I have not found a higher risk of death accepted by any similar-sized population. In conclusion, then, if we ask the question "Is mental illness inherent in the homosexual condition?" the answer would have to be "Further research--uncompromised by politics --should be carried out to honestly evaluate this issue." By N.E. Whitehead, Ph.D. (Author of "My Genes Made Me Do It")
public
0



-
56852
2006-04-23 16:50:00
2006-04-23 22:55:44
9-12-96 to present
Jeff, 1996; age 22 I have never really gone into great detail about what happened after things ended with Jeff. I have a great memory, particularly after keeping a journal for so many years, but I also remember a lot of events as they happened too. The hardest part was that everything ended on the night of September 12, 1996. We had both just signed up to go to Lake Superior College; I was going into the LPN program and he was starting with general classes. It was kind of fun because in some ways we got to have the comfort of each other while going to school, and in some ways, had he not signed up, I wouldn't have gone (and vice versa). It felt like something we were doing together, and we would get each other through the difficult times. I felt great about that. Little did I know, however, that he met someone else who was gay during the orientation and withheld that until the day we started school, when he introduced me to this guy. I didn't think much of it but as most gay men know this is not a good sign. Anyways, prior to that night he had become really callous and evasive, spending less time with me and just not being the kind of person I remembered him. Some bad signs were beginning to pop up but I wouldn't allow myself to see them. Finally on that day (September 12th) I told him that I would like to meet him at home around 7pm to sit and serioulsy talk about what was going on, where we were headed and what we needed to do, since we had decided to work through whatever problems we were facing. Well, real life was a little different. What I had in mind was that we would both see a therapist and work on both of our issues that were making the relationship difficult. His idea was to pack up his stuff at 11pm, not deal with the problems at the moment, and act like none of this was happening. He then showed up at the YWCA (where I also worked at the time) and asked if he could move into a room. Part of me was angry that he just up and left; the other part releived that he was just safe somewhere. But then I had no idea what was next. Probably no place in Duluth held as much importance to that relationship as the YWCA. Everyone was cool; everyone knew we were a couple, and we even lived had the managers apartment for a while. There would be nights when it was -40 outside and Jeff and I would be hanging out in the lobby watching the snow blow against the window and just talk for hours...I remember those things the most. Late at night, we'd be the only people in the lobby. (Two shots of the Duluth YWCA, 202 W 2nd St., Duluth, MN 55802, I worked the 3-11pm front desk shift here for years) Late summer 1996 I noticed a big difference. At this point Jeff got mean. After that breakup he acted like he didn't know me, he wouldn't talk to me, and at school I had to deal with seeing him in the halls or the cafeteria and having him turn away from me whenever I would come near. All the while I had no idea what I had done to deserve being treated like this; there was no talking to him because he would just walk away when I would try to have a conversation. So there was no real big break up, he just didn't speak to me again and I was left to figure the rest out for myself. Hoping that he was going through a jerk phase and he would come out of it, I waited it out for a month to see if he had changed. Six months later - he was still being a jerk, still not talking to me, and I more or less couldn't take it anymore. I decided to quit the program at LSC (Lake Superior College) and head back to Minneapolis - this being my fourth move down there by age 22 - because I just couldn't take seeing Jeff everywhere I went: at school, at work, etc., and seeing him wasn't the problem - it was the way he acted like he didn't know me when he saw me. I think that hurt more than anything. I started hanging out at the Sauna more, which I knew wasn't good for me. (The Duluth Sauna, 18 N 1st Ave E) (Loring Towers, 15. E Grant St., Minneapolis, MN 55403) So in March 1997 I moved back into Loring Towers, which is at 15 E Grant St in downtown Minneapolis. I had lived there before, and it was more senior citizens and a quiet building in 1992-93; by 1997 it had become a place where drug addicts, HIV+ prostitutes and street people were moving into. The quiet building that I had known in 1992 had turned into a zoo within five years - but I didn't see this until about a year later when my neighbor moved out and a drug addict moved in; there were fights, people were getting slammed up against my wall, the police would show up and 15 people were hauled out and arrested for felony cocaine trafficing (these apartments were only 300 square feet!). I had also began to discover that moving to Minneaoplis wasn't solving anything because my problems and feelings of betrayal were very much with me desptie being 165 miles away from Jeff now, as well, despite Minneapolis having a huge gay population, I met nobody that whole time, there were no living-wage jobs available without a college degree, which I did not have. I found myself in an even worse situation than before...angry at Jeff, for fucking up something that I really believed in and remained loyal to - yet when things came to an end he had the power because nothing I could say or do would change his mind...angry that I once again chose to run away to Minneapolis with the false belief that all my problems would be solved there when in fact what happened was: 1) my education was being delayed another 3 years because now my money had to go to mere survival rather than higher education and 2) the selection of gay men there was the exact same as Duluth, just increased by 10 times. The quality was no different at all. So I floundered. I hung out downtown and uptown, I worked at the Y there and kind of settled into the same old routine that I had in Duluth, working at a place with no advancement but a free membership where I could spend my free time, I learned how to teach aerboics and kickboxing, I became a lifeguard, I also learned to become a fitness trainer. So I picked up a lot of skills at the downtown YMCA in Minneapolis which literally became a second home to me. The staff there was awesome, I loved working there, and I made some great friends with the other members and staff. It was around that time when I got job teaching fitness classes at the Minneapolis Athletic Club, which is now the Grand Minneapolis Hotel, where I met my friend Rich. He became the one person I talked to on a consistent basis down there, he became a friend I trusted, respected and had a great time hanging out with. He was going through relationship problems of his own which I could definitely relate to. Because I was in so much emotional pain, I needed a friend I could talk to more than anything, and I loved spending time with him. He has remained one of my best friends since. the downtown YMCA in Minneapolis, where I worked a lot: the YMCA in Duluth, where I worked before moving down to Minneapolis and after coming home: I had sensed that Jeff returned to Minneapolis during the summer of 1997 because I saw him at the gay pride events and I also saw him hanging out downtown. By 1999, the situation at Loring Towers had become unbearable. There was violence, drugs, open dealing, prostitution, Rich has gotten robbed...I couldn't live like that anymore. By August of 1999, Rich and I dedided to split our money and rent a small studio downtown in a regular brownstone building. He had met someone at the time but wasn't sure where it was going; so he wanted the security of an apartment to come back to in case things went south, and I needed help with the rent anyways. So basically it worked out to be a great situation. I was getting alot of hours at the Y and at the Athletic Club, I was also working at the Calhoun Beach Club which paid very well. This worked out fine for a few years. I loved living at 1212 Yale because it was one of the last affordable classic bulidings right in the center of downtown (except for the roaches in the beginning, it was a good experience). But by 2002, I had gotten tired of Minneapolis. After 5 years it was becoming obvious that the one thing (let's be honest) I moved there for: the chance to meet someone and expand my dating horizons, was not happening. I was becoming discouraged and angry about that, and I felt like these jobs I was working at: while they provided me with a lot of experience and nice people, without a degree I was getting nowhere and spinning my wheels. The only was I was ever going to get out of this rut was to return home to Duluth and go to UMD - get a degree, any degree. By 2002, the only real 'paper' I had was a massage therapy certification, which was a 600 hour certification I took in Duluth during 2000 when I went home for a while. However, when the economy crashed, so did all the luxuries that people were seeking. I couldn't find a job anyplace, and the only option was to become an independent contractor - something I had personally watched my classmates attempt and wind up paying money to work, becasue the cost of insurance, supplies, rent, and overhead was more than what they were bringing in! 1212 Yale Place, #159, Minneapolis MN 55403, where Rich and I lived from 1999-2002 My depression, which I have lived with for most of my life, hit its worst during the summer of 2002. Rich took me out for a ride one Saturday morning and told me that I had to do something otherwise he was afraid I was going to kill myself because he had never seen me so depressed. Looking back, he was right. I was miserable, I had no direction, and I had no plan for my future. It was Rich who convinced me that I had a special quality to believe in people and relate to them, I had a caring nature which on any level, I could talk to just about anyone. I needed to find out how to use that, and what I ultimately decided to do was go back home to Duluth, enroll at UMD for the spring 2003 semester, and begin a Masters in Social Work path (which would first require a B.S. in Psychology; which I am preparing to get this spring). The rest fell into place. Since 2003, UMD has been a mixed bag. I felt very uncomfortable being there because everyone was 18-20 from the Twin Cities suburbs, white and straight, while in Minneapolis at the community college everyone was an average age of 45 and had a lot of street experience which I found a lot more fascinating. Nobody at UMD was gay, while in Minneapolis you saw a lot of different sexual orientations at the communiy college. Being gay was a non-issue at MCC (Minneapolis Community College), at UMD it was still a big 'yuck' thing, which pissed me off because I felt like I was right back in high school, and if this is how college students felt, then what does that mean for kids who don't go to school? Because I felt so out of place at UMD and I just did not like being there, I was lucky to be going there at a time when onlnie courses were being developed. I immediately signed up for as many as I could and basically, that is how I finished my degree. Had it not been for online classes I doubt I would have stuck with the program. If there was anyone gay at UMD, I certainly never saw it. Which was disappointing because the majority of UMD students come from the Minneapolis/St. Paul area where they are supposedly more enlightened, and there are also 10,000 students there. Unless students are a lot more closeted now, I must have missed something. I am hoping that the masters program is not this immature or disappointing. Part of my reasoning for going to UMD was to expand my horizons a bit, and to get to know people and maybe, yea, meet someone. None of those things happened and I still am not sure what I think about that. I'm not sure if the world we live in is just more callous and indifferent or if I didn't give the students enough of a chance. So there you have it, that was my life from late 1996 to 2006. It's been frustrating because socially nothing much has happened at all. I did meet a few guys off of gay.com but either I or they weren't interested, and after I'd say 2002 I just gave up completely trying to meet anyone because I was so disgusted with the expereinces I had. It got to the point where I knew EVERYONE I was meeting - when I would meet them at a coffee shop I recognized them from somewhere else which drove me nuts - never did I meet someone who I hadn't seen or heard of before. (Sign for UMD)
public
0



-
57245
2006-04-23 20:34:00
2006-04-24 02:18:16
Changes, 1996 - 2006
My last entry inspired me to thinking what's changed in my life in the last ten years. I haven't thought about it much, but when I started to think about who I've become and what I've learned, I think I have changed a lot. Some for the good, some for the cynical, some for the bad: 2006: I've chosen to stay close to home and play basketball in my spare time when the weather's nice. I don't venture out like I used to. I don't know why. 1996: I almost literally spent all my time here at the YWCA, 202 W 2nd St; whether it was working, living, hanging out with Jeff, you name it. I rarely go downtown as much today, and it's hard not to think about Jeff when driving past the Y. 1996: a block over and a block down is the YMCA, 302 W 1st St. I worked here whenever I wasn't working at the YWCA, and it was also a place where I spent a lot of time working out and taking classes. 1996: The Holiday Center, 207 W Superior St. a block down from the YMCA, this is where most of the 'trouble' happens downtown because people are just hanging around waiting for buses or just looking for trouble. It used to be fun to just sit and watch people. Jeff and I would wait for the bus here. But since I don't hang out downtown anymore, it's just kinda lame. The McDonald's is gone, there used to be this great hamburger place called Mr. Nick's which is also gone, and everything fun about downtown has disappeared. Except, of course, for Pizza Luce, on Lake & Superior. 2006: Pizza Luce, Lake Avenue & Superior St: 1996: What stood at the new Pizza Luce location, Lake Avenue & Superior St. This was torn down in 1998: 1996: King Manor, 222 E 2nd St. Jeff and I had our first apartment here. It was a nice place, but today it's a really bad building. 2006: Duluth East High School, right by our house. 29th Ave E & 4th St. I walk around our own neighborhood now than I ever did. I usually never go downtown anymore. There's a running track at East and a basketball court. 2006: SMDC Personal Fitness Center, 402 E 2nd St. This is where all my workouts, running, weightlifting, etc take place now. I love going here, and I go to the cafe afterwards to study or write in my journal. I guess you could say this is my second home much like the downtown YMCA used to be in Minneapolis. 2006: Dunn Bros Coffee, 24th Ave E & London Road. I haven't been here often, but it's more my style today; more relaxed and overlooking the lake. I don't need a freakshow today or some weird sideshow...I'm more low-key. This is also near the house. 2006: End of the Lakewalk, 26th Ave E. This lakewalk goes on for a few miles along Lake Superior providing a nice path to jog or walk when it's nice out. 2006: and finally, me with Misty, 2006. 1996: Me, not happy, hanging out in the weightroom at the YWCA 2006: The newly completed UMD Library...the best building on campus thus far. 2006: In January Duluth finally got a REAL Whole Foods at 6th Ave E & 4th St. The store itself is fantastic, and the development of new business is a definite plus for the neighborhood. The new apartment, Village Place which opened Feb. 2006; a block up are also a good sign: 2006: Downtown/Canal Park finally got its own movie theater right on New Years Day:
public
0



-
57426
2006-04-24 14:05:00
2006-04-24 19:19:17
And finally, the biggest difference between 1996 and 2006
I have a sense of who I am and what I would like in life, rather than having it depend on someone else's emotions, moods or intentions...in 1996 everything depended on whether Jeff was going to be in a good mood or not; then it turned into fear of what I would do if he left, and then he actually left - that ruined everything for me because I had no foundation for my life - I had nothing solid in place regardless of who was in my life. I put outside influences ahead of my own priorities. It didn't matter what I wanted or what my goals were. 2006: UMD's brand new science building (http://www.d.umn.edu) In 1996 I was not ready for UMD. I wasn't even ready for the community college (Lake Superior College) because I was not grounded and had no real goals. The only thing I had wanted was a boyfriend; I didn't care about anything else. Because that was something that seemed to be denied to me for so long, that came before anything else. Once I finally found Jeff, I felt like nothing else mattered for that time and as long as he was here, things would work fine. However, when he left, that whole idea fell apart because now I had nothing...that thing I wanted so badly I found was outside of my control, and I learned that I made a very large mistake in not focusing on my own future independent of who would or wouldn't be in it. That is nobody's fault; if anything it had to do with having no experience in dating and seeing how relationships work when I should have been doing that (at 16-18) but since there was nobody gay to experiment with, I didn't get a chance to do this until meeting Jeff at 21. The signs were there too. I didn't want to go to school unless he would go too. And he was the same way. We were going to get each other through this. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that you have to carry yourself through those kinds of things. Your future is nothing to be taking lightly, and I'm living the consequences of that today. I'm about ten years behind most people my age because I was too depressed to believe in myself and attend college when I should have been, and now I am getting a degree with people 10 years younger than me (but at least I'm getting a degree). The most valuable lesson is that your life is your life, people you were sure would be in your life suddenly disappear, and you have to have your own plan to survive either way. Because otherwise you will be devastated like I was. I quit the nursing program over this. There was no need for me to do that. I didn't like the program, but looking back, I clearly quit the program because I was destraught over the relationship ending. I didn't have a game plan in place where I would be okay no matter what happened and I didn't believe in myself at all. Another coffee shop recently opened near our house and UMD, this place is mostly UMD students studying and a good place to go for lunch. Bixby's Cafe, 1600 Woodland Ave. Oh and something else interesting: we had the biggest drug bust in Duluth history last week. Read on: CITY OF DULUTH DULUTH POLICE DEPARTMENT NEWS RELEASE DATE: April 21, 2006 CASE #: 06-241269 INCIDENT DATE: April 19, 2006 INCIDENT TIME:. 10:40 a.m. INCIDENT LOCATION: 1st Avenue West / #5 Alley NATURE OF INCIDENT: Narcotics arrest BY (Officer): Sergeant Scott Jenkins-LSDGTF On April 19th, 2006, at approximately 10:40 a.m., Duluth Police arrested DERRICK LAMONT BROWN, dob/022369 of 18 W. 5th Street, Duluth, Minnesota with more than 500 grams (approximately 1.25 pounds) of crack cocaine. BROWN is originally from Detroit, Michigan. BROWN was a known entity to investigators of the Lake Superior Drug And Gang Task Force and a uniformed Duluth Police Officer, assisting the LSDGTF stopped BROWN in the 100 block of West #5 alley in a 2006 rental vehicle. During a search of the motor vehicle, the officer located a large quantity of crack cocaine, believed to be packaged for distribution in the Twin Ports area, along with nearly $2,000.00 cash. BROWN was arrested and lodged at the St Louis County Jail in Duluth on State narcotics trafficking charges. Duluth Police had prior contact with BROWN in December of 2005 where he was found to be in possession of a small amount of crack cocaine and more than $6,000.00 cash. This case is pending. On April 20th, 2006, BROWN was formally charged by the St Louis County Attorneyís Office on narcotics trafficking charges and on April 21st, 2006, BROWN was formally charged with Federal narcotics trafficking charges, including possession of more than 500 grams of crack cocaine with intent to distribute for sale. This arrest marks the largest single crack cocaine seizure by law enforcement in the Twin Ports. Any further inquires can be made by contacting Sergeant Scott Jenkins or Sergeant Daniel Chicos of the Lake Superior Drug & Gang Task Force (Duluth Police Organized Crime Bureau) @ 730-5488 or 730-5487.
public
0



-
57709
2006-04-26 18:13:00
2006-04-26 23:41:42
This has got to be the best day yet...
It's amazing what a difference one week can make in your life. When it rains here, when it's foggy and depressing, it rubs off on me almost instantly. On weeks like this one, I can't get enough of being outside. My face is feeling hot now because I was out so long; I'm almost sure I got my first sunburn of the year. And it's only April! I remember last year we were working on final projects in Research Methods around this time and there was still snow on th ground, and on the final day of class we had a dusting of snow...and it was freezing out. So if the rest of the summer holds up this way - praying silently - I will be happy. I think I had my fill for being outside today. I had the luck of not being too busy so I spent as much time out there as I could playing basketball, however since I haven't really played hard for so long, I have little cuts all over the tips of my fingers which hurt like hell. Ugh! I think it's inherited because my dad gets the exact same thing - dry, cracked hands from working on the car or working outside. I just have to remember to wash my hands - a lot - and disinfect. I've become an antibacterial freak lately, something I never thought I'd become, but I love to be active, and I don't want to take any chances on getting sick. There's just so many things I want to do while th weather is nice out: run, go for walks, take pictures, play ball, take the puppies out for walk, etc., and so little time. I have to make the most of the summer even though we haven't gotten into May yet. I tend to get like this. Just glanced in the mirror. Yep, I'm burned. Great. Bright blonde hair and very red face. If that's not Northern Minnesota after the first day of really warm weather I don't know what is. It's similar to people who don't know how to drive after the first big snowstorm of the year - no matter how many years you live here, you always do something dumb like that. Oh - the bright blonde hair part - well, I had this idea to do something, I don't know...fun?...and so I got Sun-In, yep, the same stuff my sisters used to use in 8th grade, and spirtz my hair and head out into the sunny afternoon one day. Not bad stuff, but I kept applying it everytime I went out. I wanted a shade lighter; what I got was a LOT lighter than that. The good news is that since my head is practically shaved as it is, within two weeks everything will be back to normal. That's the nice part of having such short hair. Not a lot else is going on lately and I guess I'm okay with that. I contacted some friends from Minneapolis who I lost contact with; hopefully I will hear how they are doing and maybe we can start chatting again. I never heard from Jeff which I knew was going to happen; the minute I dropped that letter into the mailbox i told myself that the odds of hearing back from him were mighty slim. So I can't feel bad about that because I know how he is, I know how he deals with things (he just doesn't deal), and I can't change that or feel bad about it. When he's ready to talk, he knows where I am. A lot of people think I'm nuts for getting in touch with people the way I do, or looking for them to regain contact. I'm different in that I believe that you come into contact with certain people at certain times in your life for a reason, and you have to remain in touch with them. There was a reason why I met the friends I did when I first moved to Minneapolis, for instance. They each taught me something different about myself, and they were fun to hang out with in their own way. I don't believe in just throwing people aside and moving on to new friends. I believe that friends - especially friends who've seen you at your worst - are friends for life, and you have to work very hard to stay in contact with them. Sometimes I think I'm one of very few people who are like that. That's not to say that I don't want to make new freinds, but I also want to keep my old friends as well. I like to see how people change, and I also like people to see how I've changed, and how I've remained the same person through the changes. Too many of us are embarrassed about our past and want to forget about those who were in our lives during unhappy times, but I think that's what makes your friendships even more interesting because that person knows you and generally accepts you regardless. I tried telling Jeff that in the letter I sent him - that I hope he understands that it is very rare to come into contact with someone who (especially someone who is gay!) wants to remain a part of your life no matter what, who accepts you for all your faults, and sees the good in you that many other people fail to see - or mostly they don't want to take the time to get to know you. I think with gay guys it's instant gratification and snap judgements (we've all done that) and a lot of misunderstanding. I want friends, but the friends i have who are gay, I don't have romantic interest in and that's fine. There needs to be an understanding that gay people can be good friends without a romantic interest and...it needs to be understood that it's not a personal thing. It's just that a lot of us need the friendship, and aren't sexually attracted to each other. Happens all the time. It's not rejection. As for Jeff, I had hoped that he would have tried contacting me by now, but I think that's just not going to happen. I do think that he knows where to reach me, and when he's ready to talk, he'll do so. I'd rather hear from him when he's in a place where he feels comfortable and able to talk instead of being pushed into it. I've known for a while, especially with these calls we keep getting from Capital One looking for him, that things aren't going right for him. The fact that his parents have no contact with him is also a bad sign...so it is hard for me because I'm a worrier, and I worry about how he is handling things. I want him to know that he can contact me no matter what, and that there's really nothing he can say to me that I haven't either heard or heard of before. If only he would get over himself and call me, because I know he's not talking to anyone and bottling all this inside.
public
0



-
58106
2006-04-27 18:35:00
2006-04-28 00:00:34
New LiveJournal Plans...
I haven't spoken much about my history with fitness training, and from what I've seen online while doing searches, almost everything has a catch to it or comes with some sort of ad. I guess what I want to do is talk a little about my history with fitness and health and use my journal as a place to talk about my fitness routine, what's worked for me, what hasn't worked (and why), and how working out has changed my life so much. I was a fat kid. Up until the summer between 8th and 9th grades, you will see very few photos of me because I hated how I looked, I knew I was fat, and I knew why (I was a lonely, emotional eater). Food quickly takes the place of a lack of friends when you are a teenager, and when you don't feel very welcomed into team sports, well, you just kinda give up on that stuff. Between 8th and 9th grade though I was moving on to a new school and decided that, if I was going to make a change in my life it had to be now. So I started walking for 30 minutes a night, with my cassette tape player. Eventually 30 minutes became an hour, and an hour became four miles. By the time I started 9th grade I had a whole new look, my weight had dropped and I felt much better about myself. This continued on to today, where I have adopted a whole new way of eating, exercising, and thinking about what wellness means. This isn't to say that I haven't at times relapsed; when I was on anti-depressants a few years back I found it easy to gain weight again, and when I am depressed today I can sometimes go overboard with excessive exercise. I like to think it's my own therapy...particularly when I am running on the treadmill all that negative shit that gets into my mind during the course of a day just vanishes as the miles and time go by; and towards the end of my run I feel much better about whatever was bugging me. As long as I have the right music, I feel fine afterwards. Next I'm off to the weightroom where I am either on an upper body day or a lower body day; I love working my lower body because strong legs just feel sexy to me, and I love the feeling of getting stronger. Obviously I am the only person there who is gay so I don't work out as much as I do for appearances, because let's face it, who is there to impress? I go because 1) it puts me on the same level as everyone else. For once it's not that awkward feeling that I have nothing in common with these people or that I have nothing to contribute to a conversation about relationships or kids because I have neither; the focus is on being strong and taking care of yourself. That's something I am definitely interested in and have in common with others who are there, and that's enough for me. I feel like I am a part of something here, and that I belong. I don't think I ever knew how important it was for me to feel a part of something until I started thinking about it. This greatly improves my depression and overall mental health because it provides me with a feeling of accomplishment, it also provides me with physiological changes that just make me feel much more alive. Whether or not nobody notcies me doesn't matter anymore; I matter and I am happy to be there. I had to shift focus on that because I have to remember that I am in charge of my health. Much like running, playing basketball outside when it's nice also provides me with space to think about what's going on in my life and how I feel about things. I also love playing sports and this gives me a chance to play sports alone in the driveway without having to join some stupid team, which I've never wanted to do. This also provides me with a sort of therapy, a place where I can lose my mind and just get things out of my system. I hate sitting around thinking about things that are bothering me sometimes. I just want to get out and do. I've always been a lone exerciser. I've never run with anyone nor have I lifted weights with anyone. I don't like my routine slowed down, and I also don't like getting used to having someone around and counting on them 'being a part of this' only to have them pull the great disappearing act a few months later. I know that my fitness committment is for life; I am not sure about other people who I see. I want results, I don've give up, and I pretty much get to the fitness center no matter what. Not many people are like me in that regard. I also signed up for two marathons, in June I am running Grandma's, and in October I just signed up for the Twin Cities Marathon which is in it's 25th year and the registration fee was $85. Much of it has been diet. I have worked out for years, literally, without seeing any results and what finally made a difference was cutting out fast food and candy, also lots of sugars and other things like that and becoming more sensible with what I was eating. I think as time goes on I am shifting focus from 'looking a certain way' (which will always be there, I admit) to being well. I have found that no matter how I look I don't see a whole lot of difference in terms of what happens - I mean, I worked out a lot and I never met anyone; nobody ever notices. When I gained weight off those anti-depressants I was upset, but nobody notices and it didn't seem to matter either way. So it's got to be important to me I guess, because otherwise you just give up and it ends up not being about you anymore.
public
0



-
58176
2006-04-28 15:54:00
2006-04-28 20:54:12
Duluth Cathedral High School, 1906-2006
Duluth Cathedral High School, 2nd Ave W & 4th St. This was the girls high school; the boys high school was across the avenue which has been torn down. Cathedral closed years ago and is now the Marshall School, which is up on Rice Lake Road (http://www.marshallschool.org). All these pictures are of my mom's school between 7th - 12th grade, the Duluth Cathedral High School. I was looking at her yearbooks the other day and it's amazing how different the rules are today at schools; Cathedral girls were immediately recognizable by two things: those checkered black and gold skirts that were part of the Cathedral girls uniform, and the pressed white blouse with the gold Cathedral logo on the right chest. Then there was also the cardigan sweater with the logo on it which was to be worn during the winter months. There was even a gym uniform, and the nuns enforced it strictly, If the girls didn't wear their uniform they had to go home and change. As for the boys, I think they had to wear a sweater with the Cathedral logo and grey dress pants, I'm not sure about a tie. By the time Cathedral moved into their new building, and by about 1987, the dress code was dropped completely, partly because the students began a walkout in protest of the uniform, and Cathedral tuition had gone up so high that the school couldn't afford to lose any more doctor's kids as students. That's what I hated most about going to school there (I went for two years) - these kids who had this 'don't you know who my parents are?' attitude with the teachers. When my mom went to Cathedral, it was a very old school in the worst part of the hillside - it reminds me much of those old Catholic schools you see in New York City during Christmas programs. As the years went by and the public high schools deteoriated, Cathedral grew in popularity and skyrocketed in tuition. It didn't really cost much of anything to go there back when my mom went; by the time I went, tuition was almost $5000 a year, today I believe it's almost $8500 a year - and they've added 5-12th grades. So even though the education is very good there, and I learned a LOT more than I did at Central, it's just too out of reach for most families. The old Cathedral had a lot of flavor to it though, I took two of those pictures (another was taken by my dad's friend) and when you go inside the school, you see the real history of the faith, and the mission of the school. Their focus was on helping people who needed help, providing shelter, practicing a nonjudgemental way of life which contrasts completely from the religious nutcases of today. While I'm sure the past wasn't perfect, especially for those of us who were either gay or American Indian considering how badly both groups were treated by the Catholic church, I think that their intentions were not as mean-spirited as today. I think that the early days of Cathedral (1906) we didn't see the current marriage of politics and religion; whereas today we see it almost as one in the same. Mean-spirited political policies are being put into place by religious groups who are expecting payback for getting GWB re-elected. It's got nothing to do with moral values or helping others in need; it's become completely focued on self-importance and greed. I've had a fun time so far photographing buildlings in Duluth. Especially downtown, because that is where almost all of our city's history lies. Duluth itself stretches for 33 miles, from the Lake County border along Highway 61 to past Morgan Park, along the way to the Twin Cities. "East" Duluth is actually north, going along Highway 61 which will eventually lead you to Thunder Bay, Ontario; "West" Duluth is actually south, which goes along I-35 and will lead you to Minneapolis. From east to west, the avenues stretch from 96th Avenue East to 136th Avenue West. I've never even been to those parts of the city. Over the hill is where all the new development is taking place which makes no sense to me. Hermantown, which in the 80's was a pick-up truck drvin', git-r-done type honkey tonk place, is now where all these huge homes are being built just outside the city limits along Highway 53 past the Miller Hill Mall. That's where all the big-box retail stores are (Best Buy, your typical malls, Target, Cub Foods, Wal Marts, Home Depot, Olive Garden, Barnes and Noble, the list goes on)...sometimes you have to go there but I don't like going up there. It just has no flavor - for me anways - and its not very pedestrian friendly. What I used to love about Minneapolis was walking uptown and downtown, half the fun was never knowing who you would see just on the walk to where you were going. It's not the same thing when you're driving. *PS* I just registered for the Twin Cities Marathon, October 1, 2006. This is going to be a huge event as it's the 25th anniversary (and the registration fee was $85 friggen bucks! When I first ran that thing in 1995 it was like $40 or $45. In five years I bet you anything it's going to be $100 to run it).
public
0



-
58516
2006-04-28 16:46:00
2006-04-28 21:49:12
Gay Games VII this summer. I stand corrected about the $85 TC Marathon fee being ridiculous...
Gay Games VII features a Marathon course established by the LakeShore Marathon along Chicago’s gorgeous lakefront. Chicago has a reputation for providing one of the fastest marathons in the world. Welcoming elite and novice athletes alike, the Gay Games VII marathon will include Hand Bike divisions and the internationally recognized five-year age group classifications. A half marathon will be held simultaneously on the same course with an earlier turn around. $195 Base Registration fee plus $75 sport fee. http://www.gaygameschicago.org/sports/sports.php?mgroup=Marathon Gimme a fuckin break! So for gay people, since we're all rich and educated, we can afford to spring almost 300 bucks for a marathon, not to mention how much it costs to go there, and pay for a hotel room? God that pisses me off.
public
0



-
58634
2006-04-29 21:10:00
2006-04-30 02:48:10
The adult merry go round
Carlson Books. This is where my curiousity began about gay sexuality - and probably the only place in Duluth at the time where there were actual gay books, erotica, etc., there were stacks and stacks of gay porn magazines here and when I was in 6th grade I would quickly try to sneak past whoever was working at the cash regsiter to go look at them. Sometimes I made it over to the adult section, but usually I didn't. This is the old Wabasha Books, where the Tech Village and Pizza Luce is now (11 E Superior St). This is another place I would get in to when I was 14 or 15; I had a whole system worked our where I would go in through the alley entrance because there was nobody working on the 2nd floor. Then they installed video cameras and I got kicked out. The new location for the Wabasha, 114 E 1st St., just a hop skip and a jump away from the sauna. The sauna, which is the centerpiece of downtown for most gay men who are looking for fun/trouble/whatever. Something today triggered memories for me of being 14-15, right around the time I came out. After I worked out today I started thinking about all my straight friends and why they are in relationships and myself, along with most of the gay people I know, are not. Or if we are, they're over within six months. I think I know partly why, anyways. Coming out for me was not the problem. I knew I had support at home, and I even had support from the administration at school. The problem was that I had nothing at all in terms of support from other kids or anyone young. So my life, socially, was spent alone pretty much from the start. By the time most kids were learning how to date, I was learning how to navigate downtown Duluth's gay arcade and bookstore scene; along with the bathhouse on 1st Ave E. I knew things about sex and porn that most kids my age didn't even have words for. However, I didn't really get to engage in much sex...as everyone at those places were three times my age or more; the closest I got was porn magazines, which contained very attractive straight male models. While I got to see images of naked men, I still had no images of other gay people. I always felt, and sometimes continue to feel, that I'm the only one. So what differentiates us is that straight people are included in these groups and dating circles from a very early age, it just becomes expected that the end result will be a relationship. With gay people, for those of us who were aware of it from very early on, usually we live two lives, much is done in secret, and almost all of it is done alone. It is hard to find lasting friends because when I was 14 - and still today - the gay life is very anonymous. You still don't ask each other's name. It's expected you won't see him again. And it's really not expected that he's going to ask you to go out to coffee sometime. The reality, the expectations are completely different. When you've had no role modeling to show you - this is how you date, these are the qualities you need to look for in a potential partner, this is how you deal with conflict, etc., then you grow to learn that you probably are not going to find that. You don't see the other gay people around you in relationships, so you don't think you're going have one either. And even if you could, look at the selection! I wouldn't want to be involved with the gay guys that are around here anyways, even if I had the choice. When I was 14, I'm not sure what I was searching for, but I think I was searching for something that compared to the excitement that straight kids got to experience. But since I was doing all of this alone, with nobody aware of where I was, I was in a much more dangerous situation. I was around grown men, who I knew nothing about; I later found out that about 90% of them were married to women and had children MY age - so these men were deeply closeted - I'm sure if these men's wives had any idea what he was really doing with his time on the weekends they'd be shocked - the other guys were drug addicts, or they were living on the streets as a result of their drug use. I saw the side of gay life that was not at all fabulous or sophisticated; I saw one that was riddled with drugs, shame and despair; in fact, some of those married men who I saw when I was in 10th grade are still hanging out downtown and I'm sure their wives still have no idea what they're doing with other men. They would go to that sauna and screw around with other guys and they'd still be wearing their wedding rings. I remember when I first went there and I saw that, I just couldn't believe it. Not all of this was bad, however. What I was in search of was a sense of identity beyond my own gayness during a time when I needed to SEE other gay people rather than just come out. So naturally I went to the places (which were probably the least healthy to go - but what else was there then? What else is there now? Nothing!) that I knew gay men would be at. I met some very nice older men who told me all kinds of stories of the history of gay Duluth, how things went on here years ago and people had no idea, much like the sauna is today - so many people drive down 1st Avenue East and have no idea what's been going on in that basement for the past 50 years. But I know. I know the entire story. I've talked to some of the men who were there from the beginning. In it's own way it's a place of cultural significance, this gay space in the midst of straight people who seem to be oblivious to anyone who might be attracted to someone of the same sex. It's like...we own that one space downtown. For one quarter of a block, straight people are not in the majority. It's our place to be who we are (never mind that the majority of the men down there look like hell - but that's another story). So I think that there is a problem that is hard to describe. I had a natural curiousity and explored it VERY early in my life. Because of that, by the time I was 20, I knew what the thrills were, I had been to those places, it was out of my system. It didn't appeal to me, but I knew it was there and I met some interesting people. However, what I experienced at 15 is what most gay men - particularly around here when they don't even come out until 40 or 45, and also the married men, they're doing what I did at 16 - today. They're doing the risky stuff. They're going out and screwing around with men they don't know. I got out of that game unhurt - praise the Lord - but many men, espeically today - end up with HIV because they were stupid, they got into drugs, or they weren't in control of what they were doing. I truly believe God was watching over me during those times because I am healthy today, I learned from those experiences and I know what I learned. Many of those men never find out what real human connection is - I desire that. When I got bored with the bookstore-sauna-booktore scene I beleived that I was worthy of being loved - this gay body was worthy of love by another gay body who was healthy and capable of being a friend. Unfortunately, while I still wish for that, I'm seeing less and less of the reality. What I am seeing instead are a lot of gay men who remain deeply closeted, helped through the internet, now they really aren't going to come out and be themselves, they're going to keep it all at home and on the computer. The few gay men I do see around either here or Minneapolis have years ahead of them before they are ready. And that was the problem with Jeff. When I met him, I was 21. I had gone through a lot by that point and he was just realizing he was gay. So in many ways he still had a lot of self-discovery to do. I think that many gay men fail to realize that when we meet someone. Not everyone has to go through those things, but I think the majority do. And I also think that, because we learned early on how to be deceitful and dishonest, and sneaky, we don't trust each other. We conclude the other guy is lying before assuming he's telling the truth. We assume he's not going to give his phone number to us so we don't ask. And these are the reasons why our relationships either don't happen or don't last. We have no way of understanding what or how a foundation is built.
public
0



-
59040
2006-04-30 20:02:00
2006-05-01 01:19:17
A day with no immigrants
It's unfortunate that the pioneering days of the globe are truly over with. One can not pick up and move to say, Canada or Europe from the United States anymore without the following things: a doctorate level degree, a occupation so highly skilled and in demand that no oher citizen of that country can fill the position, you have to have all your debt paid off before you move; otherwise the only other ways to move to another country are if you are so wealthy that you can afford to start your own business that can afford to employ at least 10 full time permanent citizens of that country, or you bought property there and are moving there to retire. In other words, good luck. It's not gonna happen. Those countries only want immigrants who have very high level college degrees, lots of money, no debt, and so much skill that even their own citizens can't compete with them. So in some ways, I'm a little pissed. We're letting all these people move to this country with no education, no skills that are tranferrable to a college-degree driven economy, usally they are straight and have many children, and most likely will never live above poverty. Meanwhile, those of us who would like to begin a new life somewhere else, as well, are not allowed to do so because our rules for leaving are different than their rules for coming here. For many years I wanted to move to Canada until I saw that the list of qualifications - to even get an interview with the customs and immigration folks - is so ridiculously unreal that I just didn't bother. I don't have a doctorate. I don't have $1000 to send in with an application that will take three years to process. I have student loans. I'm stuck here! On the other hand, I'm sitting back and watching this whole buddy-buddy group of conservative latinos, republicans, and other people of color who were so chummy with one another based on their hatred towards gay people; suddenly they aren't so friendly with each other anymore. This is the hair-pulling, 7th grade girl catfight I've been waiting for: all these bigots rolling around on the White House lawn because, now that the gay marriage stuff isn't 'sizzle' material anymore, it shows two things: 1) the republicans were only out to kiss brown asses for conservative, anti-gay Catholic votes and nothing else; and 2) now the anti-gay latinos know how gay people feel. Now they know what it feels like to have half the country saying on front pages of newspapers "We don't want them here" or "Half of Americans want our borders sealed". It's no different than the percentage of Americans who disapproved of gay marriage because let's get real here: this had nothing to do with gay marriage. These were people who never liked gay people from the start. These surveys and polls just confirmd what we knew all along, except the news media continued to replay it for months drilling it in our heads that we aren't wanted here, and we don't deserve to be loved. Similarly, immigrants will feel that sting over the next year and I gladly will hand those feelings over to them because I'm done with feeling like I don't belong in my own country. I'm tired of gay people being scapegoated for this countrys problems when we are not the ones having 9 children who we can't afford to feed, we aren't the ones who are allowing the children (who we can not have) to run wild and form street gangs who beat up other people's mothers and grandmothers for their purses, etc...why doesn't the moral values police ever confront that? So I am watching this and smiling. It's like watching the two-faced bitches in high school who caught the other one cheating with her boyfriend. This band of republicans who thought their multi-colored group was so inclusive and banding together is unraveling before our very eyes, and their phoniness is exposed to all of us.
public
0