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The weeks go by so fast. This one was better than last week I think, but next week I am worried again. My parents both signed up for this heart scan, and even though they are fine it makes me nervous when they go in for these kinds of things. My mom went in two weeks ago; my dad goes in on Monday. It's a new service they offer at SMDC where they can scan through layers of the heart and correct any problems as they examine it. It is fear of the unknown...it makes me nervous as my parents get older and scares me at the same time. People go into that hospital and clinic every day and leave with terrible news they never knew about; I would hate to have to deal with that on top of everything else. I don't have anyone in my life to comfort me outside my family. I don't know what I'd do. It's something I don't even like to think about. The only good news is that the days will get longer starting tonight, so it won't start getting dark now until about 6pm. Before that, around Christmas, it would get dark around 4:30. That's tough when it is dark when you leave the house in the morning and then it's dark when you get home. It makes you not feel like going anywhere, and sometimes that's kind of comfortable when it's cold and you just want to be home. But I think I'm ready for it to be warmer outside and definitely ready for it to be summer. The weather last summer was perfect but there was nobody to do anything with...I found plenty to do on my own, but let's face it...after a while that's no longer exciting. There has to be someone else around here who I haven't met yet who would be fun to hang out with. I've gone to so many places, I mean...if I was going to cross paths with someone I feel like it would have happened now. I know I go into that a lot. But I just never thought it was going to be this hard. It's hard to hang on to hope and keep going and keep trying, especially when it seems like every day is the same as the day before. For me days have turned into years and now a decade. And I admit it, it's very lonely. I don't think anyone knows what this kind of loneliness is like especially after years go by. And espeically when the intensity is this heavy so early in my life. For a long time I thought I was just overly-emotional but I think now that I feel the same way a lot of other guys feel, but nobody wants to stray from this illusion that we are all happy and everything's great.-
Life never prepares you for anything in advance. It just happens, and you have to act on it and just learn how to live with whatever is going on. It doesn't care if things are going well or not. There are no checks or balances. On Monday my dad had his angiogram that my mom had done two weeks ago, and he had to stay overnight at St. Mary's because the procedure was more serious than they had thought, so they ended up doing two balloon stints to clear the blockage. The GOOD news is that St. Mary's has this layered heart scan - one of only a few in the country I think - which can detect these things - and prevent a heart attack in 5-10 years by noticing things such as blockage and whatnot...so had this technology not been around who knows what would have happened. This is why people have heart attacks when they are driving. This is why people have heart attacks and everyone says "he/she is the last person I would have expected to have one"...if people know about this heart scan, they can get checked. Because regardless of choices you make like smoking and drinking and eating right, if you have a family history of heart problems, which we do, it is important to get it looked at sooner rather than later. This test literally saved my dad's life (and my mom's - she didn't need the procedure, they can control the high blood pressure with medication - which her former doctor had not even diagnosed! So I am realizing that it is really up to you to make your health care decisions - you have to do the research, you have to look out for the studies or the new technology and just get it done. It's something I am going to have to do someday also. I just keep thinking that had my mom not made my dad go - would he have gone? So there we sat in the "Surgery Family Waiting Room" at SMDC (St Marys Duluth Clinic - photo above) and I thought about a lot of things. My parents are getting older, and so am I. Everyone in that waiting room had families or a spouse. I am constantly reminded that someday I am going to be alone in all of this - and that terrifies me to the point where - prior to today I was afraid to even talk about it. I'm not going to have anyone to push me to go for a physical or get that checked out by a doctor. I won't have anyone back at home helping me recover. I just have that gut feeling that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If the last ten years have taught me anything, it's that I can not wait around any longer - I have to start assuming some things are going to be kind of how they are now, and I can either continue to fight that and believe the people in my life who (well-meaning) tell me that someone good will come along. But none of them have spent 10 years alone and they also haven't experienced the amount of loneliness and depression I have. They have no idea what this is like. While I am extremely thankful that my dad and mom are okay, I worry about who will be there for me someday when they are not okay. And who will be there for me when I get older. I look to gay men who are my parents age and they are alone. Many have been alone all their lives, and while I never saw myself in that category in the past - mostly because I tricked myself into thinking 'things have changed' - they haven't changed enough. While society has accepted gay people slowly, that does not mean that gay men have accepted each other, nor does it mean that we are any better at being able to maintain a relationship. I envy what straight couples have - and the point isn't that they stay together longer or anything, but the amount of choice they have. Being gay, I see the same damn dozen guys over and over, and over again. They have been around for ever, and that's about as good as its gonna get. That's not enough for me. I need more than 12 potential people, whose only qualities similar to mine are that we both like men - to pick from. I'll just have to continue to work on being okay with being alone. It appears that most other gay men have done that. I don't know how, but they do it. It's the one thing I have feared all along since I was 14 that I would never meet anyone special and now I'm living the reality of that. At 31. The point isn't whether or not I will find someone. I want someone to share my life with and share my dreams and myself with. Everyone says that I'm someone who has a lot of good qualities and take care of myself, and look good, but I feel like I'm the ONLY one. What about my needs? Sure, there might be men attracted to me but I'm not interested in them. Where's the guys I want? When Jeff left in September of 1996, it hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be put through that again, because the recovery from that was much longer than the actual relationship, which wasn't even a year. The aftermath of that betrayal was probably the worst feeling I've had in my life. And I refuse to go through that again. It will kill me. It's a very tough life being gay, and I'm not saying this looking for pity. Because pity can't change reality when you know what reality is. I see people my age at that hospital - couples my age - starting their lives, having a baby, doing those things that start a family and a life. They are there beginning their futures - however dysfunctional those futures may be - they have that CHOICE. I continue to be so depressed that - and I have the 10 years now to prove it - those choices have been taken away from me. I have no future to plan or hope for with anyone. I have me, and the only person who will likely be in my life is me. And yea, most people end up alone later in life but they aren't thinking that at 31. That is what's so hard about being gay...for me anyways...the things that other people have to hope for - a marriage, kids, fuck - just MEETING someone - are things that I have been denied for ten years now. It's not by choice. The selection of available gay men is absolutely horseshit. And there is nothing I can do about it. So I left the hospital happy that my dad has a new lease on life - I am going to make sure that he takes care of himself, we eat differently here at home, and we get the dogs out for walks. Instead of feeling more depressed about what I felt on Monday, I am trying to see it as more time with the people I love - my family.-
Weather-wise, it was a fantatic day here. The days are getting longer, and while it's not exactly warm out yet, just the presence of the sun helps sometimes. I took this photo of the SMDC Medical Campus, which is where we were this week, and where the fitnes center I work out at is located. It's a great view from the top of Skyline Drive looking down, and an even nicer view from the fitness deck to the lake. On clear days like today, when you're running on the treadmills (which face the lake) you just think about everything...and today I did that. My run went by really quickly in fact. I was tired last night when I updated my journal here. When I'm tired I tend to say things as I'm really feeling them, rather than sounding like everything's fine when it's really not. I also tend to fear the worst and whatnot...this case I was really conflicted because my fears have been building up for a long time, and it's hard to talk to anyone about them. Being able to talk about them more on here helps because mabye someone else understands, and while I don't feel like I can relate to anyone, maybe someone can realte to me. That was the goal of going online with my journals to begin with. My fear has not always been that I would end up alone in this life because in many cases I do fine in that sense. I'm a somewhat selfish person who does what he pleases when he feels like it; that is how it's been for a long time and having someone in the way of that would be a major shift for me...also the fear that this person would eventualy leave, as most seem to when you least expect it. There's nothing like planning a future with someone only to discover a year later that they didn't want the same thing, they never told you this; suddenly you arrive home one day and all his things are gone and so is he. You're fine for the first few weeks: you tell yourself that this is for the better, you're glad it only was a year rather than five, thankful you didn't have a joint bank account; but then a month or two later it really sets in: he's not coming back. Ever. That was what I had not expected. My first few weeks with him gone were fine. But in the back of my mind, I always thought, aww, he'll call and want to come home, he needed space, etc., but that call never came, and he never showed up in my life again. The pain of that - the feelings of rejection and dishonesty that go along with that, will shape who I am for the rest of my life. I am now much more guarded than I ever was before. I prefer to lay everything out on the table when I get to know someone so there are no hidden surprises or secrets...I feel it's best that you know what you're getting yourself into when you seek someone who you are looking to share your life with. With Jeff I pretended not to see certain things that I knew were wrong - the inability to disclose any emotions, the fact that I had been out since I was 14 and he was just realizing his homosexuality was a big issue; probably the hardest thing was the realization after he left that...he had planned to leave probably many weeks or months prior to leaving, yet he was very convincing that we would work things out and do whatever it took. I always thought that I had people more or less figured out, that I had a good instinct about someone and I was totally wrong with this. I invested all of my emotions and feelings into somoene who I trusted as family (big mistake - but at 21, you do things like this)...again - that has shaped me into who I am now. Things may appear a certain way on the outside, but on the inside you have no clue as to what someone's motivations are. I'm not sure if you ever do. The hardest part is, when you are gay, you have an extremely limited number of future options (as I've described many times on here)...it's not as if you can go out a week or month later and just meet someone new. It takes years. Sometimes it just never happens again. When you are part of a group that makes up such a small percentage of the population, the chances for finding someone you truly connect with again are very low. While I felt okay about being single after Jeff left, a few years later I began to realize how difficult this life was going to be. My good feelings about being gay were slowly disappearing, and I was becoming more and more cynical: if I can't meet anyone in Minneapolis or Chicago, and I talk to guys from New York and Los Angeles who are pretty much saying the same things I am, then moving won't change this situation. I had moved four times in about 8 years hoping that a new environment would bring new people into my life and change things. This never changed anything except the fact that I had to start over again, I was losing more money by "starting over", and no new men were on the horizon. Those same 12 guys I always complain about here were in those big cities too, except instead of 12 stereotypical gay guys you have 120 or 1000, and that only makes you feel worse, because that place you had counted on - that 'promised land' was an illusion painted by people who used the same escape mechanisms you use, but they neglected to tell you that they didn't find much either. They were also seeking a quick fix to a very complicated problem. I am discovering that very little has to do with location. The majority of the problem has to do with being gay in a society that continues to teach gay men that we aren't important, and we never will be; in turn we look at other gay men as unstable people who are not to be trusted, and since we have all this isolationism going on within this tiny group of men, that is where the addictions begin. People start to do anything to comfort a wounded soul, a lonely house, an empty bed. The problem with gay activism is that it's become self-serving...gay marriage will not change the fact that most of us missed out on many years of relationship-building skills; you can not have a successful marriage when both parties have been taught to dislike themselves and secretly sabatoge each other...not to mention that usually, with two men, both will say, yea, I'm leaving. I don't want to work things out. if you have two people in a relationship and neither one of them want to work on it, then what's left? Nothing. That is brought to the next relationship, and nothing has been learned. That is my depression...this mounting feeling that, not only are there no gay men here who interest me, but if there were, what chance does it have? What chance does it have if, once again, I am the one who believes in staying together and honesty and he is plotting something?-
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Rash of robberies concerns police CRIME:Duluth police believe young men are mostly responsible for 20 street robberies that involve physical violence but not weapons. BY MARK STODGHILL NEWS TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER A71-year-old Duluth man was walking to his car after making a purchase at a Central Hillside liquor store last month when a young man approached and asked if he had the time. When the man rolled down his car window to answer, the younger man struck him twice in the face, demanded money and tried to steal the car. That quick burst of violence is one of 20 strong-arm street robberies reported to Duluth police in Lincoln Park, Central Hillside and East Hillside this year. No weapon is used in strong-arm robberies, but hands, arms, feet, fists or teeth are employed -- or their use is threatened -- to take a victim's possessions. Duluth police are asking for the public's help in identifying the perpetrators. They also warn people to be aware of their surroundings, avoid unlighted areas at night and to call 911 to report suspicious activity. Most of the Duluth robberies have occurred after dark. Most of the victims were walking alone when confronted by multiple assailants. Eight people part in one incident April 1 when a 23-year-old man was forced to give up his wallet near East Fifth Street in Central Hillside. The robbers are males who appear to be in their late teens and early 20s, police say. "They're trying to get wallets, purses," said Duluth police Lt. Gordon Ramsay, who supervises the downtown district. "My thoughts on this is it's a group of kids doing it for the thrill and to make a little money," Ramsay said. "If you watch the modern media today, and a lot of these movies, they kind of glorify going out and jacking someone up on the street. They don't show the effects that it has on the victims." Police have made one arrest. Kalin Vaughn William Wenell-Jack, 22, who has no permanent address according to court records, is being held in the St. Louis County Jail. He's accused of first-degree attempted aggravated robbery and attempted theft of a motor vehicle in the incident involving the 71-year-old man. Sgt. Scott Campbell, who leads the Duluth police Violent Crimes Unit, and investigators Michael Ceynowa and Laura Marquardt are working to identify the perpetrators in the other robberies. "It's an opportunity crime," Campbell said. "It's not a predetermined victim that's going to be robbed. It's somebody that was in the vicinity at the wrong time and these guys were there." Ceynowa said there has been street talk that some of the suspects could be part of a gang that calls itself "The Wild Boys," but he said police have not confirmed such a link. "It's a younger group of males, and some of them we believe are loosely associated with each other as acquaintances... but we don't believe all of the robberies are related," Ramsay said. Police are searching for an answer to why there has been a higher-than-usual number of strong-arm robberies this year. Campbell provided one theory: "The community is ever-changing with the residents that come in," he said. "A group may have come in to our community that may be accustomed to that type of harsh lifestyle and may be victimizing certain groups on the street in the evening hours in dark portions of town. The exact reasons are unknown until we can identify who they are and find out what their background may be." Police ask that anyone who has information on the robberies call the Violent Crimes Unit at 730-5050.-
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I have never really gone into great detail about what happened after things ended with Jeff. I have a great memory, particularly after keeping a journal for so many years, but I also remember a lot of events as they happened too. The hardest part was that everything ended on the night of September 12, 1996. We had both just signed up to go to Lake Superior College; I was going into the LPN program and he was starting with general classes. It was kind of fun because in some ways we got to have the comfort of each other while going to school, and in some ways, had he not signed up, I wouldn't have gone (and vice versa). It felt like something we were doing together, and we would get each other through the difficult times. I felt great about that. Little did I know, however, that he met someone else who was gay during the orientation and withheld that until the day we started school, when he introduced me to this guy. I didn't think much of it but as most gay men know this is not a good sign. Anyways, prior to that night he had become really callous and evasive, spending less time with me and just not being the kind of person I remembered him. Some bad signs were beginning to pop up but I wouldn't allow myself to see them. Finally on that day (September 12th) I told him that I would like to meet him at home around 7pm to sit and serioulsy talk about what was going on, where we were headed and what we needed to do, since we had decided to work through whatever problems we were facing. Well, real life was a little different. What I had in mind was that we would both see a therapist and work on both of our issues that were making the relationship difficult. His idea was to pack up his stuff at 11pm, not deal with the problems at the moment, and act like none of this was happening. He then showed up at the YWCA (where I also worked at the time) and asked if he could move into a room. Part of me was angry that he just up and left; the other part releived that he was just safe somewhere. But then I had no idea what was next. Probably no place in Duluth held as much importance to that relationship as the YWCA. Everyone was cool; everyone knew we were a couple, and we even lived had the managers apartment for a while. There would be nights when it was -40 outside and Jeff and I would be hanging out in the lobby watching the snow blow against the window and just talk for hours...I remember those things the most. Late at night, we'd be the only people in the lobby. (Two shots of the Duluth YWCA, 202 W 2nd St., Duluth, MN 55802, I worked the 3-11pm front desk shift here for years) 
Late summer 1996 I noticed a big difference. At this point Jeff got mean. After that breakup he acted like he didn't know me, he wouldn't talk to me, and at school I had to deal with seeing him in the halls or the cafeteria and having him turn away from me whenever I would come near. All the while I had no idea what I had done to deserve being treated like this; there was no talking to him because he would just walk away when I would try to have a conversation. So there was no real big break up, he just didn't speak to me again and I was left to figure the rest out for myself. Hoping that he was going through a jerk phase and he would come out of it, I waited it out for a month to see if he had changed. Six months later - he was still being a jerk, still not talking to me, and I more or less couldn't take it anymore. I decided to quit the program at LSC (Lake Superior College) and head back to Minneapolis - this being my fourth move down there by age 22 - because I just couldn't take seeing Jeff everywhere I went: at school, at work, etc., and seeing him wasn't the problem - it was the way he acted like he didn't know me when he saw me. I think that hurt more than anything. I started hanging out at the Sauna more, which I knew wasn't good for me. (The Duluth Sauna, 18 N 1st Ave E) 
(Loring Towers, 15. E Grant St., Minneapolis, MN 55403) 
So in March 1997 I moved back into Loring Towers, which is at 15 E Grant St in downtown Minneapolis. I had lived there before, and it was more senior citizens and a quiet building in 1992-93; by 1997 it had become a place where drug addicts, HIV+ prostitutes and street people were moving into. The quiet building that I had known in 1992 had turned into a zoo within five years - but I didn't see this until about a year later when my neighbor moved out and a drug addict moved in; there were fights, people were getting slammed up against my wall, the police would show up and 15 people were hauled out and arrested for felony cocaine trafficing (these apartments were only 300 square feet!). I had also began to discover that moving to Minneaoplis wasn't solving anything because my problems and feelings of betrayal were very much with me desptie being 165 miles away from Jeff now, as well, despite Minneapolis having a huge gay population, I met nobody that whole time, there were no living-wage jobs available without a college degree, which I did not have. I found myself in an even worse situation than before...angry at Jeff, for fucking up something that I really believed in and remained loyal to - yet when things came to an end he had the power because nothing I could say or do would change his mind...angry that I once again chose to run away to Minneapolis with the false belief that all my problems would be solved there when in fact what happened was: 1) my education was being delayed another 3 years because now my money had to go to mere survival rather than higher education and 2) the selection of gay men there was the exact same as Duluth, just increased by 10 times. The quality was no different at all. So I floundered. I hung out downtown and uptown, I worked at the Y there and kind of settled into the same old routine that I had in Duluth, working at a place with no advancement but a free membership where I could spend my free time, I learned how to teach aerboics and kickboxing, I became a lifeguard, I also learned to become a fitness trainer. So I picked up a lot of skills at the downtown YMCA in Minneapolis which literally became a second home to me. The staff there was awesome, I loved working there, and I made some great friends with the other members and staff. It was around that time when I got job teaching fitness classes at the Minneapolis Athletic Club, which is now the Grand Minneapolis Hotel, where I met my friend Rich. He became the one person I talked to on a consistent basis down there, he became a friend I trusted, respected and had a great time hanging out with. He was going through relationship problems of his own which I could definitely relate to. Because I was in so much emotional pain, I needed a friend I could talk to more than anything, and I loved spending time with him. He has remained one of my best friends since. the downtown YMCA in Minneapolis, where I worked a lot: 
the YMCA in Duluth, where I worked before moving down to Minneapolis and after coming home: 
I had sensed that Jeff returned to Minneapolis during the summer of 1997 because I saw him at the gay pride events and I also saw him hanging out downtown. By 1999, the situation at Loring Towers had become unbearable. There was violence, drugs, open dealing, prostitution, Rich has gotten robbed...I couldn't live like that anymore. By August of 1999, Rich and I dedided to split our money and rent a small studio downtown in a regular brownstone building. He had met someone at the time but wasn't sure where it was going; so he wanted the security of an apartment to come back to in case things went south, and I needed help with the rent anyways. So basically it worked out to be a great situation. I was getting alot of hours at the Y and at the Athletic Club, I was also working at the Calhoun Beach Club which paid very well. This worked out fine for a few years. I loved living at 1212 Yale because it was one of the last affordable classic bulidings right in the center of downtown (except for the roaches in the beginning, it was a good experience). But by 2002, I had gotten tired of Minneapolis. After 5 years it was becoming obvious that the one thing (let's be honest) I moved there for: the chance to meet someone and expand my dating horizons, was not happening. I was becoming discouraged and angry about that, and I felt like these jobs I was working at: while they provided me with a lot of experience and nice people, without a degree I was getting nowhere and spinning my wheels. The only was I was ever going to get out of this rut was to return home to Duluth and go to UMD - get a degree, any degree. By 2002, the only real 'paper' I had was a massage therapy certification, which was a 600 hour certification I took in Duluth during 2000 when I went home for a while. However, when the economy crashed, so did all the luxuries that people were seeking. I couldn't find a job anyplace, and the only option was to become an independent contractor - something I had personally watched my classmates attempt and wind up paying money to work, becasue the cost of insurance, supplies, rent, and overhead was more than what they were bringing in! 1212 Yale Place, #159, Minneapolis MN 55403, where Rich and I lived from 1999-2002 
My depression, which I have lived with for most of my life, hit its worst during the summer of 2002. Rich took me out for a ride one Saturday morning and told me that I had to do something otherwise he was afraid I was going to kill myself because he had never seen me so depressed. Looking back, he was right. I was miserable, I had no direction, and I had no plan for my future. It was Rich who convinced me that I had a special quality to believe in people and relate to them, I had a caring nature which on any level, I could talk to just about anyone. I needed to find out how to use that, and what I ultimately decided to do was go back home to Duluth, enroll at UMD for the spring 2003 semester, and begin a Masters in Social Work path (which would first require a B.S. in Psychology; which I am preparing to get this spring). The rest fell into place. Since 2003, UMD has been a mixed bag. I felt very uncomfortable being there because everyone was 18-20 from the Twin Cities suburbs, white and straight, while in Minneapolis at the community college everyone was an average age of 45 and had a lot of street experience which I found a lot more fascinating. Nobody at UMD was gay, while in Minneapolis you saw a lot of different sexual orientations at the communiy college. Being gay was a non-issue at MCC (Minneapolis Community College), at UMD it was still a big 'yuck' thing, which pissed me off because I felt like I was right back in high school, and if this is how college students felt, then what does that mean for kids who don't go to school? Because I felt so out of place at UMD and I just did not like being there, I was lucky to be going there at a time when onlnie courses were being developed. I immediately signed up for as many as I could and basically, that is how I finished my degree. Had it not been for online classes I doubt I would have stuck with the program. If there was anyone gay at UMD, I certainly never saw it. Which was disappointing because the majority of UMD students come from the Minneapolis/St. Paul area where they are supposedly more enlightened, and there are also 10,000 students there. Unless students are a lot more closeted now, I must have missed something. I am hoping that the masters program is not this immature or disappointing. Part of my reasoning for going to UMD was to expand my horizons a bit, and to get to know people and maybe, yea, meet someone. None of those things happened and I still am not sure what I think about that. I'm not sure if the world we live in is just more callous and indifferent or if I didn't give the students enough of a chance. So there you have it, that was my life from late 1996 to 2006. It's been frustrating because socially nothing much has happened at all. I did meet a few guys off of gay.com but either I or they weren't interested, and after I'd say 2002 I just gave up completely trying to meet anyone because I was so disgusted with the expereinces I had. It got to the point where I knew EVERYONE I was meeting - when I would meet them at a coffee shop I recognized them from somewhere else which drove me nuts - never did I meet someone who I hadn't seen or heard of before. (Sign for UMD) 
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2006: I've chosen to stay close to home and play basketball in my spare time when the weather's nice. I don't venture out like I used to. I don't know why. 
1996: I almost literally spent all my time here at the YWCA, 202 W 2nd St; whether it was working, living, hanging out with Jeff, you name it. I rarely go downtown as much today, and it's hard not to think about Jeff when driving past the Y. 
1996: a block over and a block down is the YMCA, 302 W 1st St. I worked here whenever I wasn't working at the YWCA, and it was also a place where I spent a lot of time working out and taking classes. 
1996: The Holiday Center, 207 W Superior St. a block down from the YMCA, this is where most of the 'trouble' happens downtown because people are just hanging around waiting for buses or just looking for trouble. It used to be fun to just sit and watch people. Jeff and I would wait for the bus here. But since I don't hang out downtown anymore, it's just kinda lame. The McDonald's is gone, there used to be this great hamburger place called Mr. Nick's which is also gone, and everything fun about downtown has disappeared. Except, of course, for Pizza Luce, on Lake & Superior. 
2006: Pizza Luce, Lake Avenue & Superior St: 
1996: What stood at the new Pizza Luce location, Lake Avenue & Superior St. This was torn down in 1998: 
1996: King Manor, 222 E 2nd St. Jeff and I had our first apartment here. It was a nice place, but today it's a really bad building. 
2006: Duluth East High School, right by our house. 29th Ave E & 4th St. I walk around our own neighborhood now than I ever did. I usually never go downtown anymore. There's a running track at East and a basketball court. 
2006: SMDC Personal Fitness Center, 402 E 2nd St. This is where all my workouts, running, weightlifting, etc take place now. I love going here, and I go to the cafe afterwards to study or write in my journal. I guess you could say this is my second home much like the downtown YMCA used to be in Minneapolis. 
2006: Dunn Bros Coffee, 24th Ave E & London Road. I haven't been here often, but it's more my style today; more relaxed and overlooking the lake. I don't need a freakshow today or some weird sideshow...I'm more low-key. This is also near the house. 
2006: End of the Lakewalk, 26th Ave E. This lakewalk goes on for a few miles along Lake Superior providing a nice path to jog or walk when it's nice out. 
2006: and finally, me with Misty, 2006. 
1996: Me, not happy, hanging out in the weightroom at the YWCA 
2006: The newly completed UMD Library...the best building on campus thus far. 
2006: In January Duluth finally got a REAL Whole Foods at 6th Ave E & 4th St. The store itself is fantastic, and the development of new business is a definite plus for the neighborhood. The new apartment, Village Place which opened Feb. 2006; a block up are also a good sign: 
2006: Downtown/Canal Park finally got its own movie theater right on New Years Day: 
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In 1996 I was not ready for UMD. I wasn't even ready for the community college (Lake Superior College) because I was not grounded and had no real goals. The only thing I had wanted was a boyfriend; I didn't care about anything else. Because that was something that seemed to be denied to me for so long, that came before anything else. Once I finally found Jeff, I felt like nothing else mattered for that time and as long as he was here, things would work fine. However, when he left, that whole idea fell apart because now I had nothing...that thing I wanted so badly I found was outside of my control, and I learned that I made a very large mistake in not focusing on my own future independent of who would or wouldn't be in it. That is nobody's fault; if anything it had to do with having no experience in dating and seeing how relationships work when I should have been doing that (at 16-18) but since there was nobody gay to experiment with, I didn't get a chance to do this until meeting Jeff at 21. The signs were there too. I didn't want to go to school unless he would go too. And he was the same way. We were going to get each other through this. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that you have to carry yourself through those kinds of things. Your future is nothing to be taking lightly, and I'm living the consequences of that today. I'm about ten years behind most people my age because I was too depressed to believe in myself and attend college when I should have been, and now I am getting a degree with people 10 years younger than me (but at least I'm getting a degree). The most valuable lesson is that your life is your life, people you were sure would be in your life suddenly disappear, and you have to have your own plan to survive either way. Because otherwise you will be devastated like I was. I quit the nursing program over this. There was no need for me to do that. I didn't like the program, but looking back, I clearly quit the program because I was destraught over the relationship ending. I didn't have a game plan in place where I would be okay no matter what happened and I didn't believe in myself at all. Another coffee shop recently opened near our house and UMD, this place is mostly UMD students studying and a good place to go for lunch. Bixby's Cafe, 1600 Woodland Ave. 
Oh and something else interesting: we had the biggest drug bust in Duluth history last week. Read on: 
CITY OF DULUTH DULUTH POLICE DEPARTMENT NEWS RELEASE DATE: April 21, 2006 CASE #: 06-241269 INCIDENT DATE: April 19, 2006 INCIDENT TIME:. 10:40 a.m. INCIDENT LOCATION: 1st Avenue West / #5 Alley NATURE OF INCIDENT: Narcotics arrest BY (Officer): Sergeant Scott Jenkins-LSDGTF On April 19th, 2006, at approximately 10:40 a.m., Duluth Police arrested DERRICK LAMONT BROWN, dob/022369 of 18 W. 5th Street, Duluth, Minnesota with more than 500 grams (approximately 1.25 pounds) of crack cocaine. BROWN is originally from Detroit, Michigan. BROWN was a known entity to investigators of the Lake Superior Drug And Gang Task Force and a uniformed Duluth Police Officer, assisting the LSDGTF stopped BROWN in the 100 block of West #5 alley in a 2006 rental vehicle. During a search of the motor vehicle, the officer located a large quantity of crack cocaine, believed to be packaged for distribution in the Twin Ports area, along with nearly $2,000.00 cash. BROWN was arrested and lodged at the St Louis County Jail in Duluth on State narcotics trafficking charges. Duluth Police had prior contact with BROWN in December of 2005 where he was found to be in possession of a small amount of crack cocaine and more than $6,000.00 cash. This case is pending. On April 20th, 2006, BROWN was formally charged by the St Louis County Attorneyís Office on narcotics trafficking charges and on April 21st, 2006, BROWN was formally charged with Federal narcotics trafficking charges, including possession of more than 500 grams of crack cocaine with intent to distribute for sale. This arrest marks the largest single crack cocaine seizure by law enforcement in the Twin Ports. Any further inquires can be made by contacting Sergeant Scott Jenkins or Sergeant Daniel Chicos of the Lake Superior Drug & Gang Task Force (Duluth Police Organized Crime Bureau) @ 730-5488 or 730-5487.-
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All these pictures are of my mom's school between 7th - 12th grade, the Duluth Cathedral High School. I was looking at her yearbooks the other day and it's amazing how different the rules are today at schools; Cathedral girls were immediately recognizable by two things: those checkered black and gold skirts that were part of the Cathedral girls uniform, and the pressed white blouse with the gold Cathedral logo on the right chest. Then there was also the cardigan sweater with the logo on it which was to be worn during the winter months. There was even a gym uniform, and the nuns enforced it strictly, If the girls didn't wear their uniform they had to go home and change. As for the boys, I think they had to wear a sweater with the Cathedral logo and grey dress pants, I'm not sure about a tie. By the time Cathedral moved into their new building, and by about 1987, the dress code was dropped completely, partly because the students began a walkout in protest of the uniform, and Cathedral tuition had gone up so high that the school couldn't afford to lose any more doctor's kids as students. That's what I hated most about going to school there (I went for two years) - these kids who had this 'don't you know who my parents are?' attitude with the teachers. When my mom went to Cathedral, it was a very old school in the worst part of the hillside - it reminds me much of those old Catholic schools you see in New York City during Christmas programs. As the years went by and the public high schools deteoriated, Cathedral grew in popularity and skyrocketed in tuition. It didn't really cost much of anything to go there back when my mom went; by the time I went, tuition was almost $5000 a year, today I believe it's almost $8500 a year - and they've added 5-12th grades. So even though the education is very good there, and I learned a LOT more than I did at Central, it's just too out of reach for most families. The old Cathedral had a lot of flavor to it though, I took two of those pictures (another was taken by my dad's friend) and when you go inside the school, you see the real history of the faith, and the mission of the school. Their focus was on helping people who needed help, providing shelter, practicing a nonjudgemental way of life which contrasts completely from the religious nutcases of today. While I'm sure the past wasn't perfect, especially for those of us who were either gay or American Indian considering how badly both groups were treated by the Catholic church, I think that their intentions were not as mean-spirited as today. I think that the early days of Cathedral (1906) we didn't see the current marriage of politics and religion; whereas today we see it almost as one in the same. Mean-spirited political policies are being put into place by religious groups who are expecting payback for getting GWB re-elected. It's got nothing to do with moral values or helping others in need; it's become completely focued on self-importance and greed. I've had a fun time so far photographing buildlings in Duluth. Especially downtown, because that is where almost all of our city's history lies. Duluth itself stretches for 33 miles, from the Lake County border along Highway 61 to past Morgan Park, along the way to the Twin Cities. "East" Duluth is actually north, going along Highway 61 which will eventually lead you to Thunder Bay, Ontario; "West" Duluth is actually south, which goes along I-35 and will lead you to Minneapolis. From east to west, the avenues stretch from 96th Avenue East to 136th Avenue West. I've never even been to those parts of the city. Over the hill is where all the new development is taking place which makes no sense to me. Hermantown, which in the 80's was a pick-up truck drvin', git-r-done type honkey tonk place, is now where all these huge homes are being built just outside the city limits along Highway 53 past the Miller Hill Mall. That's where all the big-box retail stores are (Best Buy, your typical malls, Target, Cub Foods, Wal Marts, Home Depot, Olive Garden, Barnes and Noble, the list goes on)...sometimes you have to go there but I don't like going up there. It just has no flavor - for me anways - and its not very pedestrian friendly. What I used to love about Minneapolis was walking uptown and downtown, half the fun was never knowing who you would see just on the walk to where you were going. It's not the same thing when you're driving. *PS* I just registered for the Twin Cities Marathon, October 1, 2006. This is going to be a huge event as it's the 25th anniversary (and the registration fee was $85 friggen bucks! When I first ran that thing in 1995 it was like $40 or $45. In five years I bet you anything it's going to be $100 to run it).-
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This is the old Wabasha Books, where the Tech Village and Pizza Luce is now (11 E Superior St). This is another place I would get in to when I was 14 or 15; I had a whole system worked our where I would go in through the alley entrance because there was nobody working on the 2nd floor. Then they installed video cameras and I got kicked out. 
The new location for the Wabasha, 114 E 1st St., just a hop skip and a jump away from the sauna. 
The sauna, which is the centerpiece of downtown for most gay men who are looking for fun/trouble/whatever. 
Something today triggered memories for me of being 14-15, right around the time I came out. After I worked out today I started thinking about all my straight friends and why they are in relationships and myself, along with most of the gay people I know, are not. Or if we are, they're over within six months. I think I know partly why, anyways. Coming out for me was not the problem. I knew I had support at home, and I even had support from the administration at school. The problem was that I had nothing at all in terms of support from other kids or anyone young. So my life, socially, was spent alone pretty much from the start. By the time most kids were learning how to date, I was learning how to navigate downtown Duluth's gay arcade and bookstore scene; along with the bathhouse on 1st Ave E. I knew things about sex and porn that most kids my age didn't even have words for. However, I didn't really get to engage in much sex...as everyone at those places were three times my age or more; the closest I got was porn magazines, which contained very attractive straight male models. While I got to see images of naked men, I still had no images of other gay people. I always felt, and sometimes continue to feel, that I'm the only one. So what differentiates us is that straight people are included in these groups and dating circles from a very early age, it just becomes expected that the end result will be a relationship. With gay people, for those of us who were aware of it from very early on, usually we live two lives, much is done in secret, and almost all of it is done alone. It is hard to find lasting friends because when I was 14 - and still today - the gay life is very anonymous. You still don't ask each other's name. It's expected you won't see him again. And it's really not expected that he's going to ask you to go out to coffee sometime. The reality, the expectations are completely different. When you've had no role modeling to show you - this is how you date, these are the qualities you need to look for in a potential partner, this is how you deal with conflict, etc., then you grow to learn that you probably are not going to find that. You don't see the other gay people around you in relationships, so you don't think you're going have one either. And even if you could, look at the selection! I wouldn't want to be involved with the gay guys that are around here anyways, even if I had the choice. When I was 14, I'm not sure what I was searching for, but I think I was searching for something that compared to the excitement that straight kids got to experience. But since I was doing all of this alone, with nobody aware of where I was, I was in a much more dangerous situation. I was around grown men, who I knew nothing about; I later found out that about 90% of them were married to women and had children MY age - so these men were deeply closeted - I'm sure if these men's wives had any idea what he was really doing with his time on the weekends they'd be shocked - the other guys were drug addicts, or they were living on the streets as a result of their drug use. I saw the side of gay life that was not at all fabulous or sophisticated; I saw one that was riddled with drugs, shame and despair; in fact, some of those married men who I saw when I was in 10th grade are still hanging out downtown and I'm sure their wives still have no idea what they're doing with other men. They would go to that sauna and screw around with other guys and they'd still be wearing their wedding rings. I remember when I first went there and I saw that, I just couldn't believe it. Not all of this was bad, however. What I was in search of was a sense of identity beyond my own gayness during a time when I needed to SEE other gay people rather than just come out. So naturally I went to the places (which were probably the least healthy to go - but what else was there then? What else is there now? Nothing!) that I knew gay men would be at. I met some very nice older men who told me all kinds of stories of the history of gay Duluth, how things went on here years ago and people had no idea, much like the sauna is today - so many people drive down 1st Avenue East and have no idea what's been going on in that basement for the past 50 years. But I know. I know the entire story. I've talked to some of the men who were there from the beginning. In it's own way it's a place of cultural significance, this gay space in the midst of straight people who seem to be oblivious to anyone who might be attracted to someone of the same sex. It's like...we own that one space downtown. For one quarter of a block, straight people are not in the majority. It's our place to be who we are (never mind that the majority of the men down there look like hell - but that's another story). So I think that there is a problem that is hard to describe. I had a natural curiousity and explored it VERY early in my life. Because of that, by the time I was 20, I knew what the thrills were, I had been to those places, it was out of my system. It didn't appeal to me, but I knew it was there and I met some interesting people. However, what I experienced at 15 is what most gay men - particularly around here when they don't even come out until 40 or 45, and also the married men, they're doing what I did at 16 - today. They're doing the risky stuff. They're going out and screwing around with men they don't know. I got out of that game unhurt - praise the Lord - but many men, espeically today - end up with HIV because they were stupid, they got into drugs, or they weren't in control of what they were doing. I truly believe God was watching over me during those times because I am healthy today, I learned from those experiences and I know what I learned. Many of those men never find out what real human connection is - I desire that. When I got bored with the bookstore-sauna-booktore scene I beleived that I was worthy of being loved - this gay body was worthy of love by another gay body who was healthy and capable of being a friend. Unfortunately, while I still wish for that, I'm seeing less and less of the reality. What I am seeing instead are a lot of gay men who remain deeply closeted, helped through the internet, now they really aren't going to come out and be themselves, they're going to keep it all at home and on the computer. The few gay men I do see around either here or Minneapolis have years ahead of them before they are ready. And that was the problem with Jeff. When I met him, I was 21. I had gone through a lot by that point and he was just realizing he was gay. So in many ways he still had a lot of self-discovery to do. I think that many gay men fail to realize that when we meet someone. Not everyone has to go through those things, but I think the majority do. And I also think that, because we learned early on how to be deceitful and dishonest, and sneaky, we don't trust each other. We conclude the other guy is lying before assuming he's telling the truth. We assume he's not going to give his phone number to us so we don't ask. And these are the reasons why our relationships either don't happen or don't last. We have no way of understanding what or how a foundation is built.-
