JANUARY 2006 (LIVEJOURNAL)

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37886
2006-01-01 16:35:00
2006-01-01 22:49:55
New Year's Rollercoaster
Well, my New Year's was pretty boring. I spent it in my room watching the Golden Girls and editing my remixes for my new Ipod Video. Far cry from the midnight walk in the park during the snowstorm I took with Jeff 10 years ago. But, life goes on, I know I'm gonna be a pain in the ass going on about him this year but let me get it out of my system and hopefully I'll grow sick of talking about him. I just don't know what it is I feel right now. Disappointment? Was I hoping for some sort of miracle? I don't know. I try to numb myself out so I don't think about the lack of possibilities and prospects I have in my life right now. And how that makes me feel about my future. I get depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I try to look good or dress well or do things like that. Nobody notices me anyways! I promise I won't be on a pity party all year. But it just sucks. I would love to have just some feeling of romance in my life again besides offers from men in their 50's or meth addicts. Actually I knew that I would get 'choked up' last night because that's just the emotional person I am, so I took two sedatives last night and actually fell asleep around 9 and didn't wake up until about 8 this morning. So I got a good sleep - to say the least. Then after waking up I got myself all dressed up in my workout gear, went up to Anytime Fitness - where I was the only one there - and worked out for three hours. I left feeling pretty good. I recorded some good music on the computer last night and I was pumped. I left feeling pretty damn good about life. Which I need right now. New Year's of the 6's have always been interesting times for me. In 1996, I had the time of my life with Jeff on New Years Eve. Even the minor fender bender we got into with his VW Rabbit on New Years Day was fun. It was just having him around and having someone to lay in bed with and watch TV, go out to dinner with, laugh about the same things with. Those things are gone now. It sucks. In 1986 I was 11 and I spent New Year's Day at St. Luke's Hospital where I almost died in the ER because of a ruptrued appendix. The poison from that spread through most of my body and I ended up going through major surgery and a long recovery. I was in the hospital for almost two weeks, and I had a hell of a time trying to sleep with all those IV's in my arms and I had to get up and walk after a few days which seemed like absolute misery. At times I wonder why I survived that operation. In 2006 I don't think I am going to experience much excitement - hopefully not the kind I had in 1986 but always longing for what I had in 1996. I think the best I can do is pray that I get into graduate school in September. My only saving grace at this point is going to have to be education. Not that I don't love learning, but I think that my life is going to be defined in academic accomplishments and research rather than personal relationships.
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Getting Better

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38074
2006-01-02 17:41:00
2006-01-02 23:55:13

UK: Political Correctness Crumbles When Discussing Gays and Islam Posted by Giraldus Cambrensis at January 2, 2006

In politically correct Britain, it is a given that all the minorities being patronised by those who espouse PCism should get along. I lived in Hackney, east London from 1976 to 1998, and I personally witnessed Asian men who thought of blacks as "scum", heard black kids laughing and celebrating when our local Asian post office owner was murdered, and heard blacks and other minorities refer to gays and lesbians in virtually medieval terms. Now this sad truth, that not all minorities behave the way one would want, when they are indulgently patronised by bleeding-heart middle-class lefties with consciences, has been exposed, and various individuals are now getting angst-ridden. The group to cause such consternation among the champagne socialists is the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association (Galha), who, believe it or not, DO NOT LIKE ISLAM. Perhaps the Sharia customs of throwing homosexuals off cliffs, stoning them to death, hanging them or bulldozing walls on top of them, all practiced by the Islamist regime in Iran, have led gay people to realise that fundamentalist Muslims can be nothing other than the "enemy", no matter how many times the f*ckwits on the left blandly lump them together with other "deserving minorities", including Muslims. The magazine of Galha, which I had never heard of, has produced an article which said that Islam is growing "like a canker" in the UK through "unrestrained and irresponsible breeding." If this categorisation includes "unrestrained and irresponsible" marrying of arranged partners from some Islamoparadise such as Pakistan or Bangladesh, then I have to say I agree. The Guardian states that the magazine also published an article supporting the views of Dutch (gay) politician Pim Fortuyn, and described immigrants as "ill educated and culturally estranged Third Worlders". The Race Hate Crime Forum chairman, a man called Peter Herbert, has now announced he will be writing to the Crown Prosecution Service about the remarks, and would be seeking a prosecution. Some of Galha's luminaries have expressed concern about the comments on immigrants and immigration, as they could be seen as "racist" but have stuck by their guns over the issue of Islam. George Broadhead, secretary of Galha, has written: "What is wrong with being fearful of Islam? (There is a lot to fear) ... What does a moderate Muslim do, other than excuse the real nutters by adhering to this barmy doctrine?" Well? What's so wrong with that? Islam is worse than barmy - it is dangerous, and totally incompatible with Western democratic values. Maybe it is time these cafe latte socialist wankers realised that, just because they themselves compartmentalise all minorities into one easily-identified "group", does not mean all minorities are the same, or think the same way. I found this out through 20 years of living and working with "minorities". How come it takes the PC brigade so long to discover this plain fact? But politically-motivated minorites always know how to play the "victim" card. I suggest Galha devotes some of its column inches to condemning Peter Herbert as a "homophobe". He may not be a genuine homophobe, but he will find in practice that, once accused, it can be bloody hard to prove otherwise in our PC climate.

-----> This is something I've seen myself over the past few years, and it's an issue that will only become more complicated. An example of this is when a gay couple went to visit tradtionally open-minded Amsterdam, which has been a fun vacation spot for gay men in the past. What has been happening over the past few years is an arrival of Muslim immigrants from Morocco, many of whom arrive with violent anti-gay attitudes and beliefs. It is very common to see two men holding hands in Amsterdam. Last winter, a gay couple was visiting from the U.S. and holding hands after leaving a restaurant. Three Moroccan men witnessed this, confronted them, and beat the one man so severely he broke his jaw. This type of crime - based solely on sexual orientation - is unheard of in Amsterdam. These crimes have been increasing steadily there. Similarly, in Minneapolis, immigrants from East Africa bring similar religous beliefs with them which require the public schools to allow the students of this faith time to go pray (multiple times during the school day). Again, many of the believers of this faith are even more extreme with anti-gay behavior than our own native citizens, so we are importing anti-gay bigotry and violence. At what point are we further jeoparizing the safety of one minority for the benefit and inclusion of another? While there hasn't been much anti-gay crime to speak of committed by immigrants in the United States (most immigrants are aware that felony crimes are an automatic deportation to a countries that won't treat them too well either), the politically correct academia crowd has some real trouble ahead, because we will see similar violence here: gay men, who've been treated like shit in our own society, and immigrants from impoversihed nations which hold on to bigoted, violent attitudes toward gay and lesbian people.

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38148
2006-01-02 18:20:00
2006-01-03 00:21:43
Duluth News Archives: January 1996
This is the story in the Duluth News Tribune about the cold and storm we had the night (and week after) Jeff moved up to Duluth (took him 5 hours for him just to get up here on the bus): Duluth News-Tribune (MN)Duluth News-Tribune (MN) February 1, 1996 Section: FRONT Edition: FINAL Page: 01A COLD AND COLDER HIGHS WILL GET EVEN LOWER HEADING INTO THE WEEKEND News-Tribune So, you think it's cold? The high temperature up around LaRonge, Saskatchewan, and Flin Flon, Manitoba, was about 40 below zero Wednesday afternoon. That was the high. And that's coming our way. ``Believe it or not, as cold as it's been, a cold front was coming through (Wednesday) that's going to make it even colder on Friday morning and into Saturday,'' said Gary Austin, National Weather Service meteorologist in Duluth. Austin said low temperatures this morning should nudge all-time records for the day (29 below zero for Duluth). Wind chills this morning could make it feel like 50 below zero or colder. And that cold front is going to keep today's high from getting much warmer than 10 below. Then, on Friday morning, it's going to get really cold across all of Minnesota. We're talking the all-time lowest temperature ever recorded in the state. Maybe. So far, the lowest official temperature ever recorded in Minnesota is 59 below, recorded both at Leech Lake Dam on Feb. 9, 1899, and at Pokegama Dam on Feb. 16, 1903. Strangely, while wind chills Friday morning could hit the 65 below mark, the 5- to 10-mph breeze may prevent the actual temperature from breaking the record. ``Any wind at the surface mixes the air up and keeps it from radiating as much,'' explained Austin. It's been below zero in Duluth since Monday, and it will stay so probably through Sunday. But cheer up. The days are getting longer, and the sun is getting higher in the sky, meaning the pool of bitter cold air in the arctic will start to warm up. But there are no melting temperatures anywhere in the near-term forecast. Protect yourself Best way to avoid frozen assets When the weather gets this cold, various body parts can and will freeze. Ears, fingers, toes, noses, cheeks -- and those, er, delicate external male parts -- are susceptible. Protection from wind and cold is the best way to avoid frostbite on any body part, said Dr. Steve Park, a family practitioner at the Duluth Clinic-Ely and an avid outdoor sportsman. He recommends wind pants, using a plastic bag or polypropylene underwear with a nylon flap to protect, well, you know. ``It's quite painful,'' Park said of penile frostbite. Men who spend months in deep cold use special socks to keep warm, said Arctic explorer and musher Paul Schurke of Ely. Eyes are another body part that can be affected. About 10 years ago, a musher in the Grand Portage Chippewa John Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon apparently froze his eyes. But that's extremely rare, said Alan Hedstrom, marathon president in Grand Marais. The musher wasn't wearing goggles and was driving into the wind, so he probably wasn't blinking enough to keep his eyes warm and lubricated, said Dr. Peter Austin, a Duluth ophthalmologist. Most people shouldn't worry about freezing their eyes, he said. There are some common-sense things you can do to keep all your body parts warm and frost-free. Dress in layers. Wear a hat, gloves, socks, long underwear. Don't smoke, since smoking restricts blood flow. Stay dry. Have a partner check your parts. Frostbitten skin is white, hard and numb. Get inside and rewarm the skin in tepid water or by putting warm hands on the affected skin. Don't rub. If the skin blisters, or you suspect a large area is frozen, seek medical attention immediately. Vehicles suffer Make sure cars ready for road On the Iron Range, where temperatures are among the most brutal in the Northland, cars and trucks are giving up the fight by the dozens. Repair shops are running at capacity as frustrated motorists dump their woes on mechanics. ``Anything that can go wrong with a car is twice as likely to happen when it's this cold,'' said Dan Johnson of Virginia, just before rotating cars out of Johnson's Auto Service garage. Failure to start was the overwhelming problem with cars Wednesday as mechanics around the Northland shook their heads at folks who don't have engine block heaters on their cars. ``If you live in this part of the country and don't have a block heater on your car, you better go get your head examined, too,'' said one mechanic. As far as maintenance, make sure your anti-freeze is fresh and filled, the battery is good and the car is sufficiently warmed up before driving. Short trips with a cold car can cause more severe wear on engines. Business Some picks up while others slow Businesses are getting both boom and bust out of the deep freeze. The cold is keeping many outdoor enthusiasts indoors, waiting for some sort of warm-up to cure their cabin fever. A call to the Snowflake Nordic Cross-Country Center on Rice Lake Road turned up only a recording. The center, the message said, was closed Wednesday due to the ``severe weather.'' Because of the cold, there is less foot traffic past the front door of the Blue Note Espresso at 207 W. Superior St. in downtown Duluth. ``I think it really does not make a difference,'' said Steve Gravley, an assistant manager at the espresso shop. Their customers are loyal, he said, and most of them work nearby anyway. It's still possible to get your car washed. But many self-serve car washes close when it's this cold, and even the indoor facilities that dry your car after the wash say they see a decline in business. ``It's a little slower than normal. I just don't think there are many people out,'' said Jaime Harmon, an employee at the Miller Mall Car Wash, where cars are dried before they're sent back out into the elements. This is, meteorologically speaking, usually one of the coldest weeks of the year. So it's probably no accident that McDonald's is in the middle of a cold-weather promotion to sell Quarter Pounders and bacon, egg and cheese biscuits. The deal is: Buy one Quarter Pounder or biscuit and get the second for the price of the temperature at noon the day before. When the mercury's below zero, the second item is free. There have been a lot of two-for-one deals at McDonald's lately. As it turns out, the same thing happened during the promotion last year, said Mike Nagan, supervisor for Duluth McDonald's restaurants. The chain announced the start of the promotion, and temperatures plunged. ``I guess we couldn't have picked a better week,'' he said. STORM PUNCHES THROUGH NORTHLAND MOST RESIDENTS STAY HOME AS SNOWDRIFTS PILE HIGH Paul Adams, Noah Bierman and John Myers/News-Tribune staff writers The worst part is that most of us have to go back to work today. Or maybe it's the bitter, arctic cold that's settling in for the weekend. Or maybe it's our aching backs after a day of shoveling and blowing snow, battling drifts and pushing cars. An energy-packed storm held true to forecasters' predictions and blasted the Northland Wednesday night and Thursday with more than a foot of snow, gale-force winds and bitter cold. Although several storms have brought more snow in recent years, this was among the most powerful and widespread winter storms to hit the region since the Halloween blizzard in 1991. Nearly all Northland schools and most businesses were closed Thursday -- including the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth for an unprecedented third time this winter. Mail service was canceled in Duluth, Superior and many other areas. Duluth Transit Authority buses didn't turn a wheel all day, the first time that has happened since the 1991 blizzard. Duluth International Airport was open Thursday, and several cargo planes landed without incident, but passenger planes were largely grounded. Philip Torgerson, director of operations for DTA, said a mere foot of snow normally wouldn't force buses off the road. But high winds and drifting made many routes impassable. ``If it had been just a straight up-and-down snow, we'd be operating,'' he said Thursday morning. Surprisingly, few serious accidents were reported. ``I think people had enough advance warning, and they simply stayed home. It was good that everything was closed for business for the day, or it could have been worse,'' said Tim Twomey, communications officer for the Minnesota State Patrol in Duluth. Twomey said the worst driving conditions were on the North Shore, where troopers reported white-out conditions. Most major roads are expected to be open today, but some blowing and drifting and slippery spots could make travel tough. Few cars were out in the Twin Ports, and ice made traveling uphill in Duluth treacherous. Towing services were inundated with calls. City crews worked around the clock to keep streets open. Public Works director Richard Larson said snowplow drivers ``punched open'' most residential streets Thursday, and crews even made it through some alleys. Night crews were expected to push snow back to curbs and put finishing touches on major thoroughfares to prepare for this morning's rush hour. ``Other than the bitter cold, I don't see why the city can't return to normal Friday,'' Larson said. Scotty Toland, owner of Scotty's Towing in Duluth, had 12 trucks on the road Thursday, double the usual number. ``This was a little natural disaster. That's what it's like,'' he said. ``If people think it's an over-hyped storm, they ought to go stand in it for a little while.'' On the plus side, most essential services weren't disrupted by the storm. Few Northlanders lost electrical power. Surgeries at St. Luke's and St. Mary's hospitals in Duluth went ahead as scheduled for the most part. And there was no shortage of food. Major grocery stores stayed open, including Taran's Food Market, which was busy delivering groceries to snowbound seniors. ``Business is picking up since we opened,'' said store manager Pete Kokotovich. ``But not one car has come in. People are walking.'' Several other store managers reported a run on snack foods as Duluthians stocked up on movies and chips for the long day indoors. About 13.3 inches of snow fell at the Duluth airport and as much as 18 inches in Ely. Almost all of the Northland was buffeted with at least 10 to 12 inches. But it was high winds that made this storm so treacherous, with gusts to 40 miles per hour whipping the fluffy snow into chest-high drifts in some areas. ``It looks like we got 4 feet out there,'' said Ann Pauna, a News-Tribune weather watcher in Embarrass. ``We got three four-wheel-drives stuck in the driveway. We're just buried.'' DEALING WITH THE STORM, NORTHLAND STYLE News-Tribune As Thursday's snowstorm brought life to a near crawl in the Northland, many people took the storm in stride, finding interesting ways to accomplish their daily chores. Here's a look at some of what went on: John Hartley and his uncle Paul teamed up to run the Domino's Pizza at 309 E. Central Entrance in Duluth, which usually requires three to six workers during the lunch hour. Paul baked the pies, and John delivered them in his 1983 Renault Encore. ``What really annoys me in weather like this is when people ask me if we've got any specials,'' Hartley said. ``I'll say, `Yea, I'm driving. That's the special.' '' Leanne Bird got to her job at Woodland Falk's Pharmacy in Duluth in Northland style Thursday morning -- by snowmobile. ``He let me off right at the door,'' she said of her boyfriend, Pat Sirois. ``If I'd let him, he'd drive me right in.'' After 20 minutes of digging out of their driveway at about 4:30 a.m., Ray Bessette and Kevin Ludovic began a five-hour journey that included wading through waist-high snowdrifts, walking block after block down unplowed streets and getting their car stuck in the snow in Kenwood. All to deliver the Duluth News-Tribune. ``My legs were killing me, because the snow was so high,'' said Bessette, 25, a University of Minnesota-Duluth student. ``So many times, I felt like I wanted to quit.'' But he didn't. He delivered more than 200 newspapers. ``And I thought it was the postman's saying, `Through rain, through sleet, through snow,' '' he said, laughing. Like many snowed-in Duluthians, Chris Sundal, 16, was in the mood for a movie. So he grabbed his snowboard and slid down steep East Winona Street to Woodland Video, cresting the snow like a surfer. Frank Lipka of Eveleth weathered the storm overnight in a fish house on Burntside Lake near Ely. ``I intended on spending the night in the fish house anyway,'' said the 60-year-old, who went out fishing around 9:30 a.m. Wednesday. ``I had a sleeping bag, a propane heater and enough food for a long time, but it sure blew hard all night. A couple of times I thought the fish house was going to blow over, but it didn't. ``It was quite an adventure. I wasn't scared. I could have probably stayed there longer, but I had to get home because I work midnights tonight.'' And he did make it home Thursday in time for his shift at the Eveleth Mines. Instead of driving in to work in Ely, Patti Steger Holmberg and her husband, Kent Holmberg, mushed their five sled dogs about six miles through the snow from their home on the Cloquet Line. ``Everybody loved it,'' Patti said. ``When we got out on the highway, people were slowing down to watch. One guy stopped to take pictures and said, `That's the only way to travel on a day like this.' '' On one avenue in Duluth's Morgan Park, two neighbors began snowblowing their driveways shortly after 8 a.m. A third man waded to the end of his driveway, looked at the snow-clogged street, shook his head and went back inside. Across town, Jim Marnich, covered with snow and ice, his eyebrows and mustache frosted over, walked into a Woodland grocery store to pick up a few things. A nice guy, he'd spent the last 3 1/2 hours snow-blowing out four driveways. Was he tired? ``Not yet,'' he smiled as melting snow dripped from his hat. Down Duluth's 90th Avenue West, Ed Pike and Rob Nurminen helped Rob's older brother, Chad, move his car off the street so it wouldn't be in the way of snowplows. At least they tried to move his car. After a half hour of shoveling and shoving, they had moved the red Sunbird just 20 feet. ``Usually, I like the snow. But not this much,'' said Chad, a Fond du Lac Community College student. ``After school, I'm going to move away, to Florida or somewhere.'' As usual, Oliver Trachsel was the first on his block of Duluth's East Wabasha Street to get his driveway cleared. With seemingly false hope, he put his trash barrel and recycling bin along the street -- before the street was even plowed. Did the garbage hauler come? Yep, though few other homeowners could get their trash to the street for pickup. Tim Meininger, president of Republic Bank in Duluth's downtown Alworth Building, closed his bank for the second time in 25 years. ``We'd look pretty bad if we had employees hurt on the way to work,'' Meininger said. But that didn't keep him away. The boss still showed up for work at 6:15 a.m. -- one of only about four people in the building. John Gabrielson, owner of Pokegama Lawn and Sport in Grand Rapids, took unique advantage of the storm. He called radio station WTBX in Hibbing to say that his business would deliver snowblowers to all buyers. WTBX broadcast the sales pitch, and by noon, Gabrielson had sold and delivered six John Deere snowblowers. ``Everybody's snowed in, and most places aren't open. We just decided to do it to let people know that we have snowblowers in stock,'' said Gabrielson, whose offer is good through today. Glyndora Brown brushed snow from her sock as she balanced on one leg at The Loop Food Store in Lakeside just after lunch. She hiked a block from her apartment on Cambridge Street to buy flour to make raisin cookies for her grown children. That done, she tugged on her gloves and pulled down her hat, ready for the cold. ``I'm a Minnesota person, you know,'' she said. ``This doesn't bother me.'' News-Tribune staff writers Beth Krodel, Candace Renalls, Noah Bierman, Michele LaBounty, Steve Kuchera and Lee Bloomquist contributed to this story.
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38469
2006-01-04 15:33:00
2006-01-04 21:33:41
My walk around downtown today





















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38732
2006-01-06 15:22:00
2006-01-06 21:52:43
Fizzling Fantasy
I saw a photo of a guy who just stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm not sure if this happens for women as much as it does for men, but for many men, an image evokes many fantasies, dreams, wishes, whatever; for women, many times isn't as much a visual one as it is something else. Pictures are strong images for men; otherwise the porn industry wouldn't be the empire that it is. The problem I've faced is surely one that many others have as well: this guy I saw is most likely not gay, and even more likely not someone I am going to meet around here. So while I felt great to see this picture of a hot guy who looked strong, masculine, sweet, sexy (need I go on)...and it did feel good feeling sexual for once in a long, long time - even though no real person was involved (of course), that 'jagged little pill' is this: no matter what I wear, how much weight I've lost or gained, how much I work out, what kind of car/clothes/job I have, this guy is never gonna notice, not only because he's not here, but he's simply not gay. Not-gay guys aren't scoping out other guys to talk to, date, and eventually buy his-and-his towels with. So while it feels good to fantasize about him, for the first time I felt down after because I know the fantasy wasn't mutual. And I'm not talking about this specific guy I saw, but all the guys who look like that in real life. Guys that you walk by every day who you feel those same things for, and you're not even on their radar. But he's certainly on yours. So once again, the one-sided attractions begin, with you being the one to allow yourself to go through it. I have no problem with fantasies and pornography and even noticing hot guys in life. But when that's ALL there is, life pretty much sucks. Regardless of being aware that your choices are extremely limited, there is no way for your heart, soul and hormones to understand that the failure for these guys to return the look or smile has no bearing on you, usually it has to do with the fact that you're gay and he isn't. But it still is hard to get that through your head - instead you wonder what you're doing wrong, what you're wearing wrong, maybe if you did this or that he'd notice...but this is a losing battle no matter what you do. The guy might as well be on the other side of the planet. Another thing that I've experienced personally is a blur of fantasy combined with the disappointment of reality. For more than half of gay men, our only sexual outlet is pornography. Real gay men who are healthy, attractive and somewhat compatible only exist when we look at photos on the web or in magazines and make up stories about who they could be...because there is such a lack of selection (of a lack of variety in the selection you'd want) in real life. So when you turn off the computer or leave the house and discover that there are no gay men anywhere who even come within 10 years or 100 pounds of this guy you so desire, it's a severe letdown: is it too much to fantasize? We know all about safe sex in real life; what about safe fantasy - so that fantasy does not turn into expectations placed on real people who you will most likely never find? I've talked to enough people over the years and one thing I know is that hardly any of these hot models used in gay porn are gay. Almost all are very young straight men who either are supporting a drug habit or doing anything to pay child support (usually court-ordered). It's not much different for female porn stars except they are in straight scenes mostly, and the allure of available drugs is enough to get them in the door. I imagine for straight men being roped into doing gay porn is not easy, but if one is a cokehead, he will do just about anything to get money. I guess what scares me now is how many are willing to enter the world of bareback porn to get money...which has to be attractive to the most hardcore of addicts...because I can not imagine any rational person providing consent to become infected in front of cameras. Our imaginations are funny things...we do what we need to do in order to stay sane during situations where we otherwise would go crazy. Sexual contact and human touch are basic human needs which some of us go for years without. Sometimes that is by choice, other times it's because there are no attractive offers near you. So your mind does what it needs to - some people regress and become really immature. Others become online porn addicts. Others just throw themselves into their work and do whatever they can to forget about it. The hardest part is...sexuality and touch - experiences with another person - are really not things you can do for yourself. There's magic when you are with someone you just love to be with and you never know how great his touch will feel...and it doesn't need to be sexual. It's the comfort of someone who cares...or someone who knows how to make you feel warm. You can't do these things for and by yourself, and you also can't force yourself to be interested in just anyone only because they're the only option around. It's fake.
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calm

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39068
2006-01-08 16:57:00
2006-01-08 23:18:35
Another Box To Check
Here's another little annoyance to gay personals/chat sites/what have you. You're approached by someone who seems nice, says all the right things, everything seems to match up, you talk a few times online and you start talking about what you're looking for and what your expectations are. And that's a good thing because before the internet, you'd meet in person, forget these things for weeks, and then end up heartbroken because things just didn't match up like you had hoped. One thing that has been left out - particularly with MEN dating other men, is that nobody is willing to relocate to where the other guy lives. I will be honest in that I have definitely put in my time regarding making the move to where the other guy is. I did it twice, and I'm not interested in doing it again. I'm pretty much here to stay, and my hope is that someone who is interested enough in me will be willing to make the same sacrafice for me that I have made for other guys in the past. However, my hunch is that just about every gay man has this attitude, and so nobody's willing to eventually make that move or even consider it. This awakening hit me yesterday when I finally 'got it' about Jeff: even if he would have called/written/e-mailed me back, in my highest fantasy I would have wanted him here where I remembered all of our fun and exciting times. He's 165 miles away from here, most liklely in the Twin Cities. And not likely to return here anytime soon. In my mind I know that the only way I would have been happy with that situation would be if he were to come back here. I have no interest in moving back to Minneapolis; I've moved there (and back) 4 times now. I'm pretty much done with Minneapolis and at this point in my life, need to feel like I live in a place that I can call home. I do not want to spend my life moving to unknown places every few years and never having a sense of what home is. For once in a long time I feel comfortable living where I do, and I am not really willing to go back to that feeling of transition and uncertainty again. It also makes me uncomfortable when I talk to someone who could 'never live anywhere else other than Denver/San Francisco/Seattle/Minneapolis/New York etc' because I guess I sense a guy who either wants enough 'back up options' in case his relationship doesn't work out, or has a personality or attitude which would frankly get him beaten up in a city other than the ones mentioned. I want someone who could handle life here, or in a different city. But not someone who just has to be in the gayest of the gay cities, who won't settle for less than the $2 million condo, and has to be in the middle of all the action. I think this situation works well for single gay men, but having lived in Minneapolis, I have seen just about every gay couple I knew of split up 2 years after moving there. Either the temptation to wander was too high, or one guy felt as if he had better options than his current partner, or they made the mistake of getting involved with guys who secretly wanted to split them up. Most people say that a good relationship will withstand all these things, but I disagree when it comes to gay relationships: most, if not all of us, missed out on the skills required to make a relationship between two men work. Being around a community of gay men who also don't have those skills makes the recipe for cheating, dishonesty and heartbreak. I think that gay couples do well in cities such as Duluth where the temptations are few, and the greener pastures are farther away; forcing each partner to work at the relationship rather than giving up too quickly. That is my hope, anyway.
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39610
2006-01-16 16:33:00
2006-01-16 22:51:55
MLK Day
MLK Jr Day is always an interesting one around here. Unfortunately, it's also the first day of spring semester at UMD, so everyone ends up being so busy and lost that the observance gets pretty much lost by the end of the day. However, there is an annual march here which goes from the city hall through downtown. Like the gay pride parade, it doesn't accomplish much, but for one day a year it does show the rest of the city that there are people here different from everyone else who want to gather. And that's about all it is. The same things are said every year, and many of the same folks show up each year. I had heard some of what the speakers said at this year's rally, and while at one time those were important and critical obstacles to overcome, society today is facing some very different obstacles. Looking at high school age students,it appears that race (or racism against blacks) is not the problem. In fact, it appears that white kids do almost anything and everything to emulate hip hop and rap because blackness is 'tough' and means that you're not to be messed with. The louder you can crank your 50 Cent music in your car, the more of a white-kid-from-East-who-really-thinks-hes-black looks like a complete idiot. And these are the first boys, usually, who join forces with boys of all races to hunt down a queer and beat the living hell out of him. Isn't racial equality great?! Once again, I think that the whole message about MLK's belief system has been lost. Not by blacks, but by everyone. The black family has almost completely fallen apart yet their churches see it more important to complain about gay marriage...yet most of the young women in their communities have 3 or more kids before their 21st birthdays and have never been married. People in glass houses... Our marketing system has sold and stamped out hip hop like Ronald McDonald stickers. Talking about beating up and raping old ladies for their purses, getting 14-year-old girls pregnant and shooting little kids' dads in front of them has become as American as a coke and a smile; mainstream America accepts these lyrics in rap albums because they are scared shitless of confronting anyone black; yet again have the balls to fall back on the gays-are-commies routine and blame gay and lesbian folks for whatever moral decline has happened in America. It just blows my mind how these people miss out completely on logic. Like gay pride, MLK day has to be taken more seriously and organized by leaders who leave religion and 'poor us' rhetoric out of it, because otherwise it is going to be the same message for the next 20 years and nothing will ever change. The things that affect different communities in the U.S. are changing, but on a social scale, they affect everyone in some relevant way. Without a college education, people of any race are basically screwed. With no way to pay for college, again, forget about owning a house someday. Our society is changing very quickly and those without the foresight to complete college or advance on with their education past that will be in deep trouble. The Dream speech is still important, but there needs to be people who know how to take action - right now - and they need to be qualified. Self-righteousness, religious fanatacism, and permissive attitudes who allow people to reoffend, never take any responsibility or accept violent crime as an okay way of life have gotta go. Cartoon from "Cagle Cartoons"
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39808
2006-01-17 20:54:00
2006-01-18 02:55:06
It's a cold evening and there's nothing to say except...

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39951
2006-01-19 17:26:00
2006-01-19 23:26:20
Walking Downtown Thru The Storm...























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40210
2006-01-21 14:38:00
2006-01-21 21:07:31
1-21-06
I've waited a long time to write this piece and it's been hard to describe what I feel, but I definitely feel it. I think part of it is why I left Minneapolis, and part of it is why I don't seek out gay friends anymore. I don't get along with gay people. I don't really like gay people, and I am not all that attracted to most gay men either. I don't know exactly why this is, but I've felt this way since I moved to Minneapolis (where I was introduced to a wide variety of gay men for the first time), and I've never been able to explain why I feel this way. I think a lot of it is that so many - if not the majority of - gay men take on a very overdone female personality which I find amusing in women, but completely turns me off with gay men. Dramatic women are funny. Their lives are interesting to listen to and watch. But since I'm not a woman, and I'm a man who isn't attracted to women, I don't take any of this in personally. It's more comic relief than anything. When gay men act this way, I know the game, I know what they're doing and I know why they're doing it. I think this is the same thing with straight women - they ususally know when other women are being manipulative and dishonest, and often two women with strong personaliites become worst enemies. Gay men are pretty much the same way. I guess my disappointment came when I realized just how many gay men have this sort of personality and how nasty it is - and I'm not saying it's an effeminate personality - but it's very much a combination of status, looks, class, etiquette, expensive tastes, and how that allows them to present an image which allows them to wield at other gay men to make them feel less than or invisible. That was something I wasn't expecting during those first years I was out, I assumed that the experiences most of us had in terms of being excluded in a not-so-nice world would be enough for us not to want to do further damage to each other. But then I did a lot of thinking on my own...because of how males are conditioned in this society, men - gay or not, have a need to feel better than another man. When a man is gay, there is very little he can do to personally affect the life of a straight man. Since the straight man has no interest in gay men, why would he care? So the only target left is to go after other gay men in order to find someone to feel better than. And we've got a lot of that going on in the gay community. Go to any pride event and it's more sneers and dirty looks than flag waving. It's showing who has the most expensive sunglasses or who just got a fellowship to Yale or whatever; it has nothing to do with the original intent of pride which was to unite in protest - as a group of people who had been treated badly - and prove strength through that unity. Instead, what has happened is a group who has turned against each other in order for individual ego-boosting. I don't like those kinds of folks. I don't like guys who are out to knock everyone else down, and I really dislike gay men who intentionally want other gay men to feel bad about themselves - so he can feel good. Again, I see a LOT of that too. I have always believed that women force men to grow up and take responsibility. Women, pretty much, have been reared to make the home what it is, and to be the caretaker who gets their guy to the doctor when something doesn't look right, and he reluctantly goes. With two men, or one man alone, this rarely happens. No matter how sensitive or compassionate a gay man is, he can not take the place of a woman in gay relationship...the dynamics are much different, and so I think that in order for that kind of relationship to work, some ground rules have to be set out from the start in terms of expectations and needs. Not that gay marriage is a bad thing, but the problem with the media is that...we are overloaded with stories of gay couples who have been together for years, but we forget that for every couple like that, there's probably 500 gay men who have been alone for ten years or longer, or who have never met anyone at all. Or have not even come out yet. How are these guys going to develop a relationship someday with no skills or experience on how to work at a relationship? My biggest mistake, looking back, was that I got way too involved - too fast - with someone who was still figuring all these things out. No matter what age they are, when a man comes out as gay, it's like a kid with chocolate all over his hands and face running around a candy store. When someone's been closeted - there is no way in hell he is going to stick with the first guy he meets forever. It's very rare that the relationship even lasts for six months. Because he's been repressed for so many years, it's sort of a rebellion/exploration to make up for all those years he couldn't be who he really was. Unfortunately, this is where the closeted lying manifests into the out-of-the-closet lying, but this time it's in relationships. This is why betrayal in gay relationships is so hurtful and so severe...because so many gay men have become experts in elaborate lying (where he's been all day, taking certain kinds of jobs that allows him to travel and cover up his tracks)...all these habits are from years of learning how to 'play the part' and pretend to be someone he's not. Unfortunately, that's where the other partner who has been lied to becomes very emotionally damaged and loses trust and faith in male-male relationships all together. Why am I saying this? Well, I had a comment on my post about the MLK march and I wanted to clarify what I meant: like the MLK march, the gay pride march doesn't amount to a pile of crap when you look at what's progressed over time. We have a community of men who have become so isolated from one another because nobody trusts each other. Instead of bringing us together and caring about each other, AIDS has done just the opposite: as long as someone "looks" healthy, then he must be; people who look like they have AIDS are to be avoided at all costs because that makes you look bad, etc...who would have thought that the intensity of what happened during the early days of AIDS would lead gay men to be the way they are now? I would have hoped that the severity of what happened would make us value our relationships even more - value our friendships even more - but yet the opposite has happened. In terms of the MLK march, prayers and singing are great, but do little to create jobs in blighted communities where jobs are needed the most. There needs to be consequences for people who choose to live a criminal lifestyle - I have no tolerance for anyone - no matter what race - who go around vicitimizing other people and then turn around and con everyone into believing that they are the true victims. I am all in favor for locking up people who commit violent crimes - furthermore, I think that communities need to be notified when a violent offender is released into a community, the same way we are notified when a sex offender is released.
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40468
2006-01-27 14:04:00
2006-01-27 20:15:19
50 degrees and rising...
It's over 50 degrees in Duluth - it's still January - and this is still Minnesota! It's unbelievable, but true. We are breaking records all week here, and as I walked home from UMD I could feel the sun warming the back of my neck. It's so awesome. The sun puts me in a much different mood, and even if this is only temporary, it's great! Indeed, it's a very striking contrast to the winter of 1996 when it not only dropped to -60 windchill for over a week, but we got foot by foot of snow on top of that. It was the winter that just didn't end. But I didn't notice it much. This year, it's the opposite. And I would love it if we continued the warming trend; maybe I could get the basketball net up and running by April this year. Or late March? I LOVE being outside when it's warm. I love going for walks and I used to jog outside a lot until I screwed up my achilles tendon. I'm training for another marathon still, but I'm taking my running indoors to the treadmill. Much easier on my heel. I registered for Grandma's Marathon - 30th anniversary this year, so it's going to be a big race - so I'm all set for June 16th. I also applied to the MSW program at UMD (Masters in Social Work) but I'm not counting on getting in. I don't want to jinx it - but at the same time I would love to begin the program in September. It would give me something to look forward to (and I could defer my loans for another two years!!). Other than that, I'm trying to stay busy and get organized with school. I am also looking into two things for this spring and summer: 1) get certified again in massage therapy (every four years you have to recertify - test - another 300 bucks down the drain); 2) Take the ACE personal trainer exam again. I took it three years ago and I missed the passing mark by only two points. I was so bummed - I know this time I can do really well on it. That exam is in May and I think I should go for it. This would also be good for four years, and I figure the combination of the two would give me something great to fall back on in case I don't get into the MSW program this fall. We had - I don't know - three weeks there in December with no sun, and even though it wasn't cold, it was so depressing! I just wasn't running on full, I felt sluggish and just blah. It makes such a difference when the sun is out, even if I don't get outside for much of it. I need to get out and take some more pictures soon, especially if the weather stays warm like this.
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