NOVEMBER 2005 (LJ)

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2005-11-04 17:29:00
2005-11-04 23:29:41
Life, continued
For now, I've decided to return to my notebook style journal. I will continue to update this one once in a while, but these last few months (and next few months ahead) are a very intense time in my life. I'm undecided in what that means: I am filled with so much joy because I have such great memories of a time ten years ago where I had never been happier, and I didn't care about anything else besides the beginning of a romance. How I long for those things again today. While I do not have anyone now to experience those things with, and I doubt I ever will, I do have such great memories of that experience. I remember much of our going out to eat or going out for dessert, or doing things like that. I remember those first few weeks after we had met when I had to return back to Duluth and he was still in Apple Valley (MN) and the letters and cards we sent to each other. Just the other day I found the pager that we used to use to send notes to each other, and we would have a code that certain numbers meant certain things. I hadn't seen that pager for 9 years...I was going through some things out in the garage and there it was, buried underneath my anatomy book from back in my LPN program days. So I guess I did find something that really reminds me of him after all. I know that a lot of this sounds pathetic. That is why I haven't written in here for so long. Anniversaries mean so much to me. Last year this was not the main thing on my mind. But 10 years after an event is a big deal to me. Those memories are so powerful that I've been dreaming about Jeff and dreaming about those things we did together. And I have been writing in my other journal about them. Those memories are ones that I'm not ready to share yet. They are still very personal and emotional for me...they aren't sexual, they're emotional....for me, learning how to fully trust someone and feel good about taking a chance with someone. That took me a long time to feel comfortable doing that with anyone, and of course today I just don't think I am able to do that. All of last month I had been trying to think what all this means and where I go from here. I look at my life as a pretty good one considering what other people go through and have to deal with. I am very lucky. But I do not feel validated or admired, and let's face it...we all want that. The internet is not bringing me the kind of success I had hoped for romantically or even for friendships, UMD was a major disappointment, The Sauna draws guys who are not healthy people for me to be around, and the bar is the same way. So that leaves me with chance - maybe I'll run into someone, maybe I won't. And with about 95 out of every 100 men being straight, the 5 who end up being gay never seem to be the 5 I had hoped for or am attracted to. And as nice as it seems to think that there is more than physical attraction to a relationship, here's what I know from experience and observation: when it comes to male sexuality - if one guy isn't getting hard during the first two years of the relationship, and there's nothing medically or psychologically wrong with him, then the relationship is doomed. There has to be some sort of physical attraction there - some kind of chemistry from the beginning - and that can't be forced or negotiated. With women they are lucky because their sexuality tends to be more fluid - sexual arousal for women isn't based on one physical stimulus or what have you, rather it's more based on a connection or a feeling of real intimacy. It's still a physical act, but for women, they aren't required to be physically aroused in order to sexually performed (i.e. 'get hard'). With men, it's on or off. Either the sex is working out from the beginning, and it stays good, or there's no smoke from the start which is not a very fun experience for either party. The short story is...while personality and common interests are important, there has to be that physical attraction. We fool ourselves into thinking that this is something that can be ignored, but it will backfire. The results are always bad and lots of feelings get hurt. Therefore it is so important to be clear on what you're attracted to, what you are looking for, and what things you are willing to overlook. And again, the problem comes back to numbers: when you've got such a small base of men to choose from, chances are you won't find the type of guy you desire. I have found that moving to a larger city doesn't solve this problem as you tend to find more of what you see in the smaller cities. Rather than more variety, it's a lot more of the same stuff that's already here. If this sounds depressing, it is. I've been fighting days where I feel so hopeless I don't know what to do. Then the next day I feel a little better and slowly as each day goes by learn how to accept that some things in life aren't fair, this is one of those things, and do the best I can to get on with life. It has to go on. Nothing's wrong with allowing myself to enjoy these memories of being with Jeff, I mean thank God I at least had that, but at some point I know that I have to start focusing on things that are tangible and I can achieve on my own. The problem with romance, and more specifically, gay romance, is I have no control over the selection, the numbers, or the outcome. I have to stop focusing on things that I have little to no control over.
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