OCTOBER 2005 (LJ)

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30276
2005-10-01 18:25:00
2005-10-01 23:25:54
Going to Minneapolis
This trip never used to be a big deal. In fact, 5 years ago, I did this almost on a weekly basis. Every week I would ask myself how many more weeks I could keep this up. It got old - but in a way it was fun, an adventure sort of. Sometimes I just hated coming back down to Minneapolis...sometimes I couldn't wait. When I lived at Loring Towers and had all that drug dealing going on next door, I was afriad to go back. That had to be the worst feeling...coming back to a place that didn't feel safe. Then there were the weekends in the summer where I was so excited to get back to Minneapolis...I'd go for these long walks to and from Uptown or down Lyndale and back...I didn't worry about anything, I just got up and went for walks and lost myself in the city. I think I would like to do that again sometime. My fear in going back to Minneapolis for anything is that pesky feeling of "should I move back here?". But I've done that more than I care to admit, and although past memories of the city and what I used to do is seducing, I've done this enough now to know it wouldn't be much fun this time. There's sort of a romanticism that you have with a city or person that isn't reality, but when it becomes reality the romance has pretty much fizzled. So I'm running the Twin Cities tomorrow. I can't wait. I have all this nervous energy right now, I haven't been down to Minneapolis for over 2 years, the run itself will be fun but so will the sights, seeing what's new and what has changed. And I'm only staying overnight and going home tomorrow. Maybe I'll come back down again soon...I don't know. I have to stop being so isolated. It is no fun, and it leaves you with nothing to look forward to. Or you feel like you're crazy. So this has been an adventure I haven't been on for a long time. I can't wait to see Rich. I haven't seen him now for over 2 years. I feel like my friendships kind of pick up wherever they left off, which is cool, because I like to keep my life like that - no fuss, no drama. I like to stay out of the limelight but of course I still love to be noticed. But I'm over the whole 'gay bar' thing - I know a lot of guys who would head straight for the bars after arriving in a city...but I've done all that and believe me, it's usually a big waste of time. Gay.com has become my sense of 'bar'. Last night came and went, no magic miracles, no movie moments where at the last moment he knocked on my door. I'm okay. I am really tuned into dates and anniversaries, they have powerful memories for me. Sometimes I think I'm the only person like that. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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30487
2005-10-03 11:23:00
2005-10-03 16:23:39
The Marathon & Why I Love Girls
That marathon was SO much fun. I don't think I've ran a marathon with so many fun people in the crowds, cheering us on, just caring enough to be there! Whenever I doubt the goodness of people I think of the people who volunteer their weekend which is probably short enough to begin with - to do something nice for someone else. I need to volunteer for something some time. I need to feel like I'm helping people too. So aside from it being really humid (I was soaking wet at mile 10) I did good. I saw a few girls who were running get really sick. I wanted to go help them. One was throwing up this blue powerade. Every time I see people dropping out or getting sick its usually women, and even though I'm gay, I love girls and women so much, that I feel like I have to rescue them or go help them. I'm not saying that women are weak, but so far in my life, when I've needed emotional support, almost always I've had girls there who cared. So in a way I want to help them out for being so good to me when I've needed it. I trust girls more. Why can't I be physically attracted to them? I love everything else about girls! I was happy to see Rich and Jason, and their new home. Its a beautiful new place, and I met their two dogs (I met Marlo before). I had a great time and I want to go back soon. Until I went down there I forgot how much I missed being down there. I think I want to go down again soon for a weekend or something. My mom is right, I can't just isolate myself in the house all the time. I saw some damn cute guys down there. My treat at the finish line was a hot Cuban boy with beautiful brown eyes who pretty much looked right past me while I admired his every feature. Yep, the impossible...sounds like the type of guy I need to pursue. Lol. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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30853
2005-10-04 18:51:00
2005-10-04 23:51:28
It's Raining Again
This is the kind of weather I remember hating as a child: windy, cold, rainy October days. It's not the same as when it rains like that in April or May. When it rains like that in October, it means that in two months, this will be snow, and it will have been dark out for two hours. The only good thing is that time goes by so fast now, that hopefully next June will be here in no time. Then the basketball stand can come back out and the weather will be warm again. Well, the marathon is over, but I've been kinda living off the last bits of excitement that I had from the run over the last couple of days. My body feels okay, my back hurts a little and I've taken some Tylenol-3 for it (maybe that's why my vision is blurred and I'm not getting much of anything done). I do need to get back into my routine again, get back into my books and get my assignments completed for classes. I have to get my focus back on again. I hate when I lose my concentration. It's just been such a weird couple of weeks lately. For one, I never knew that the 10 year anniversary of meeting Jeff would have such an emotional impact on me as it did. I mean, in the back of my mind I knew about it, I remember almost every date of every important event in my life. But in the years past, those dates have come and gone, and I thought nothing of it. But for some strange reason, the year makes a difference. 1995 to 2005. 1996 to 2006. In a decade you come full circle with things. And you hope that you've dealt with them and moved on in life. But there's a certain kind of anxiety that hits you when you realize that in some ways, your life isn't the same now as it was 10 years ago, you're the same person but different as a result of your experiences, and sometimes you won't be the same again. I think of the person I was 10 years ago and see some similarities to who I am today, but some big differences. I am not as quick to give myself up to anyone or trust people as much as I did. However, I find myself becoming kinder in some ways to everyday people. Treating others the way I would like them to treat me. As I came back from the marathon I think i had the most emotions of the past two weeks. The last time I ran the marathon there I came home with not only a medal and a finishers t-shirt, but I also came home in love. I came home excited and exhilarated. I came home with a lot of hope, with some doubt, but with so many new feelings and experiences that I was about to have with another person. I miss those feelings today. I miss the new-ness of those experiences and that warm feeling of having someone call you or leave you a message when you're not home. I had none of those feelings on Sunday, and yes, it felt empty. It feels even emptier two days later as I sit here listening to the rain pouring onto the roof. Even these cold, rainy October days were a little easier to tolerate with those great feelings I had ten years ago. I deal with them now as an adult who has experienced the joy and pain of these emotions and I just hope that somehow I am a better person for it. I would love to have those feelings again but I am more aware of what's realistic and what I want, and what's really available and it's pretty darn unlikely I am going to meet someone who is gay, and has all the qualities that I find attractive in a man. I just don't see it happening.
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Rainy

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30996
2005-10-06 22:21:00
2005-10-07 03:21:40
Minor Rambings and Indecision
Hallelujah! The rain finally quit after a good three days. I didn't mind the rain actually, it was kind of nice to think about things. I'm tempted to make a big change. I just found out that St. Scholastica is offering a new program starting in May where, if you have a 4-year degree, you can go through a 15-month intensive program and get your R.N. I'm really tempted to go for it -being able to get a second degree, and have it be an R.N. is a huge advantage. I seriously think that I should go for that first and think about the Masters in Social Work after that. I'm still not sure. I don't even know if I can get into this program because it requires organic chemistry, which I have not had yet. So, if I don't get in, I'll set my sights on the M.S.W., if not, then I think I'm going back to the nursing plan. I'm excited, and I think that this will open some new doors for me. If it is financially feasible, my goal, in 5 years, is to have my B.A. in Psychology, a Bachelors of Science in Nursing, and a Masters in Social Work completed. That would be my ultimate achievement. If I could pull that off in 5 years I would be happy. So speaking of school, I ran across an article in our lovely city newspaper (www.duluthsuperior.com) last week about conservative teaching on college campuses and how conservative students aren't being represented or some crap like that. Give me a fucking break. The whole point of going to college is to open your mind and gain insight from new ideas. The hallmarks of conservatism have been ignorance, prejudice and keeping people away from education and new ideas. It's forcing religious rhetoric on people and controlling how they live their lives. There is nothing liberating or educational about conservative politics on a college campus. The reason why most university educators are liberal is because they've had education and exposure to different ideas and a variety of people. The less educated someone is, the more likely they are to close their minds. To me the two just don't fit in the same sentence - conservatism and university education. I tend to take these things personally, I know, but generally the behind the smokescreen of 'conservative' politics is a deep hatred for gays, Jews, and anyone who is seen as having an unfair advantage or special rights. Gays and Jews are seen as elite, wealthy and liberal; undeserving of their talents or getting sympathy for being despicable people (in their minds). The fact is, many Jewish people have worked very hard to build and maintain successful family businesses. Family means a lot to most of them, and generally the kids take over the business and keep it running. Gay people are seen as successful because there are no kids in the way, and no hassles with marriage. It drives straight men crazy because gay men have the freedom, money, and the luxury of no kids. Secretly I think that straight men wish they had life that had no constraints. It's sour grapes for them, and it's not my fault they chose to have the amount of children that cut into their paychecks and weekends. What else before I go to bed. Oh. You know on gay.com or AOL when these gay guys have a screen name that begins or ends in 'boi'? It makes no sense to me because I don't know of any boy who acted or looked the way these guys do...most of the boys I knew were rough and tumble, played sports and played with trucks. If anything, these guys should be 'grrils or girls' rather than 'bois' because they seem to be much more like a girl than a boy. I don't take much of that seriously anymore, but I used to. Some of it is so ridiculous, because these guys imply that they're bisexual or something that makes them overly macho or straight acting when it's all an act or image builder. That actually ruins it and makes them seem more obvious because of their insecurity. I am attracted to traditionally masculine macho latin boys. I saw one just yesterday at UMD- cutest boy I think I've ever seen on campus. And I tried to think about what it was about him that kept my attention. It was the dark skin. The cute haircut. The hat slightly turned to the side. The plain sweater and jeans he was wearing. The confidence in his expression. The broad shoulders. The strength he possessed in the way he walked. These things just attracted me to him insanely, and yet he couldn't have been more straight and unavailable to me. It's crazy because there is something that straight guys have that is so manly and attractive that I just don't see in gay guys. I can't put it into words or pinpoint it, but it's definitely noticeable and it bothers me. I hate when I can't put things into words. New goal: let's hope I get into Scholastica for the nursing program in May 06!!
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31354
2005-10-07 18:15:00
2005-10-07 23:15:59
Lust Stinks
I have to write a report on Churchill and World War I this weekend. As you can see I am just glowing with delight about the idea of all the research involved. I have to get going with that because one thing I've found is that fall semester flies by and before you know it, Christmas is here. I do not want an F as a Christmas present this year. I'm looking out the window right now. It's so colorful with the leaves changing colors, one maple tree displays bright red and orange leaves with a pine tree behind it. Unfortunately the pine tree looks pretty stressed from having such a lack of water this summer. The other trees are a mixture of green and lighter colored leaves, some falling, others barely turning. That is what makes fall so pretty here. Especially when it's either a clear, sunny day, or when the sky becomes dark before a rain. The intensity of colors stands out. I wish I knew how to paint or draw. It's been another fun week on the internet chat rooms. I slowly have realized how the internet has almost entirely replaced any physical social interaction I typically have outside of school. In a way I like it. I avoid the bullshit and lies and inconvenience that comes when other people just get in your way, or if you find people to become moderately irritating over time. It's nice because you can search for the kinds of people you are interested in talking to. For example, the average gay person here I do not have any interest in. I know most of the guys and while they are nice to talk to, I'm kind of looking for something that has a little more potential beyond talking. On the internet I can talk to the kinds of guys I've always wanted to meet, whether it's their personality or looks or sense of humor. But even online you don't always find that, and the same disappointments you get in real life you also get online. Add to that the fact that most of these great guys are more than 1000 miles away, and sometimes when you meet them in real life (did it once) they aren't the great guys you thought they were. I met one guy a while ago now who was really nice during our chats on AOL. He lived in Texas, and we talked for, I don't know, maybe a year or so before he had a lot of frequent flier miles and wanted to visit. Being the kind of person I am, I said sure why not. Well, the first thing that happened when he got here was that his physical appearance did not match his photo - at all. Had he not come up to me first, I wouldn't have known him. He was at least 120 pounds heavier than in his photo, and at 5'3", that's pretty damn big. I just feel that when someone misleads you like that in the beginning, there's a whole host of other things they haven't told you, so immediately my interest went downhill. It was an okay time but not very fun. I just don't see anything wrong with being open about who you are and what you want. The more honest you are with someone, the more likely you are to find someone who is interested in you for being you. Don't lie about your age or weight. Don't lie about superficial things. Don't become something you're not. I don't care if a guy works at Supervalu or works at a key grinding factory. If he's everything else I've wanted, and I know how rare that is, I really don't care about the extras. What stinks is that, at least around here, the guys who approach me online end up being the exact opposite of the kind of guy I am looking for. So in some respects I feel like my attempts online are wasted because I end up with the same people I'd see out in the city here. Or there's just so few gay people here that it is the same guys anywhere you go.
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31567
2005-10-08 20:18:00
2005-10-09 01:18:56
Amazing Discoveries
Just a couple of thoughts and then I have to get back to the books. I was reading this story about the prospects of e-dating and it led me to a site called edatingreviews.com. I guess I had no idea how frustrating it is for a lot of people to find a match. However, it is much different if you are straight. I just can't help but think that if you are straight, you already have about 96% of the population to choose from, unless you're doing something really wrong, it can't be that hard to meet someone compatible. I see people here who are straight and married, and they honestly don't look as if they had to even try to find someone to get involved with. It just happened, who knows how. But the people on the review sites complained about, well, just about anything from the price of the subscription to the quality of the person they met. As someone who is gay and has about a 2-4% population base just to choose from, I honestly can't say I feel really sorry for these folks. There is a huge difference between the gay and straight dating worlds. The most obvious are the simple ratios; no matter where you go the gay community will pale in comparison to the straight one. This means that a straight person can go to a mall, restaurant, school, gym, and just about anyplace else and who knows what could happen. They have been conditioned to approach and make a move. As gay men, especially, our conditioning has been fear-based. Don't hit on a guy in public, or you might get beaten up or worse. If you see a guy you like and he catches your eye, assume he is going to hurt you before anything else. No wonder our relationship prospects are so limited! We have been conditioned to run from any situation or isolate ourselves from the beginning. It is a scary place out there. There are some terribly mean and violent men who, yes, will probably physically harm another man if he made a pass at him. That is the society we have, and most likely, always will live in. So to our disadvantage, we don't have the luxury of 'waiting for it to happen' because most likely you are noticed but not approached, the other guy is utilizing the same survival skills that you are, so nobody says anything and nothing happens. One guy is always waiting for the other to make the first move. To be fair, this is the scenario that plays out in almost any gay establishment, be it a bar or coffee shop or gym; but this time the fear is different. In the first situation you are in the general public and aren't aware the guy is even gay, in this one you know he's gay but you're intimidated by the other guys there, or feel that you are interested in someone who will never be interested in you. Or maybe it's the fact that it's all men, and not only are you objectifying them, but you're being objectified as well. The intensity of that is so bizarre I can't even put it into words. That is one of the main reasons I have nothing to do with any physical gay establishments anymore. There is a tremendous feeling of self-worth and esteem in these places. You are dealing with grown men with little to no adult socialization skills; therefore you are dealing with adults who have never been taught to respect, value and treat others the way they want to be treated. Nobody should have to go to a place where they are made to feel that way. This happens in the straight world as well, but when you realize how small of a group the gay community is, to be that magnified, and not have a space of your own to go to where you feel somewhat welcomed, really is bad. The internet gives you the illusion that you're among like-minded people, and whether that's the case or not, I think that's just fine. You need to do what works for you. One of the reviewers of match.com was saying that the internet dating sites are no different than schools, parks or shopping malls. It is not the physical structure of the place that is in question but the people and their personalities that fill it. The same is said for the quality of internet dating. There is nothing that the site can do to bring more quality people on, or get more people from your area to join, or make people respond or leave you alone. Life just doesn't work that way, and if it did, well, I guess we would all be happy. Matching up people is an art form that has to go without judgement because everyone is different...one person's interpretation of normal is another's sense of hell. Some people have strange habits and traditions that others would think of as ridiculous. There definitely feels like a win/lose situation with these things, but there really isn't. People have their quirks and preferences and 99% of the time is has nothing to do with you but what they had hoped for or expected, and you just weren't it. I got used to that right away when I started meeting guys. If you take that stuff seriously or personally you will go crazy. Almost always those preferences were built years before he even met you. Everyone has their preferences and expectations, no matter how unrealistic they are. And I guess when you think about it...if you didn't live up to the person's expectations...if you knew what his expectations were, would you want to be with someone like that anyways? I wouldn't. I just want someone who wants me for me, whatever that is. I typically like guys who are just your everyday, sneaker-wearing, plain ol' jacket and baseball cap wearing guys. I don't want someone who wears $400 sweaters or has to shop at Banana Republic, or just has to vacation at some yuppie resort. I just want someone who is. I've found that so many gay men are outrageous in that sense because they're never felt like they were anything, so as they became adults, in order to feel like 'somebody' they had to go beyond the limits and become extreme - whether it was in extravagance or social status or whatever - to get noticed. It ends up being all about them. I've met those guys and let's just say I didn't know them very long. The other big difference we have is confusion. Women and men are paired up based on things that can be easily explained and identified; for gay men, it's much more complicated. By sight, you can think of two guys who would go great together only to find out they are not at all compatible sexually, or one has very different (or way too similar) tastes and interests. With men and women it's not too hard to match two people up based on knowing a few things and go from there. By nature men and women are different enough that one gender finds the other exotic; when you have two people of the same gender, the same-ness can become maddening: he likes the exact same things you do, and you end up becoming competitive. He has the success you'd love to have, so it turns into resentment. Or the biggie: one guy is out and the other guy isn't, therefore the not-out guy calls all the shots (where they go out to eat, where they can't go or else they'll be "seen"). But I know of so many straight people who assume that all you have to do is put two gay men together and that's all it takes (as if we don't have interests and attractions of our own!). What I stress is you have to be honest and upfront about what you want, what you are looking for and the type of guy you want to meet. Because your family or straight girlfriends aren't going to be able to explain that. Gay men live a very different life internally than straight people do, maybe that's a response to the society we live in, I'm not sure. But it's much easier for a mother to explain to her friends about the kind of girl her son is looking for rather than what kind of gay boy her gay son likes. So a lot of this rests on our own shoulders to get out there and make these things happen ourselves. I think it makes us stronger people in the long run.
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