SEPTEMBER 2005 (LJ)

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15969
2005-09-01 15:50:00
2005-09-01 20:50:02
Overwhelmed
I'm watching the news and it's almost beyond comprehension. I can not imagine being stuck in a stadium for five days with no change of clothes, no real food, no showers, no electricity, 92 degrees and no air, I mean, it's just like nothing I've ever seen before. I had thought that I would have all kinds of things to say about what's going on in New Orleans, but I find myself with really nothing to say. It's just incredibly sad. Being in that Superdome, in a nutshell, would be a nightmare. I am seeing people go into modes that we normally would not do. People are going into survival mode. I know I would be like this if I had to go there with my family. I would feel like it was my responsibility to make sure everyone was safe, and I would never let my parents out of my sight. It looks so dangerous...it's almost like Iraq in terms of how desperate and angry people are. It appears that people aren't going on the buses as quickly as anticipated, but can you imagine what the ride would be like from New Orleans to Houston? 350 miles in a yellow school bus with 50 other people who haven't had a shower, no change of clothes, possibly they are sick, their kids get carsick and are throwing up, everyone's hungry and families are possibly split up. I just wish there was something I could do...at the least I would like to bring my massage chair to Houston and give as many back and shoulder massages as I could. Those people need touch right now more than anything...they do not feel human, they do not feel like they are being treated with dignity. I mean this looks like a worst-case scenario. You look at all the people standing around in New Orleans...crowds and crowds who don't have anything at all. And not all these people are young either...there are so many people there waiting with elderly parents, or really young children... Add all of this to the fact that most of us are completely drained financially and have no money to give. Blood drives, water bottles, cereal, anything that can be given, I can give. These people need food right now. They need bottles of water right now. I know that I tend to get wrapped up in things that I have no control over. But I really care about people and hate to see anyone in this kind of pain. And what's worse, it is next to impossible to get there, even under good conditions.
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sad

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16306
2005-09-03 11:48:00
2005-09-03 16:48:16
A New Day
The Labor Day weekend is here and as in years past, it's one of the weekends I've always hated the most (besides Valentine's Day) because school usually begins the day after Labor Day. And as in the past, it's usually raining and foggy out. This weekend is looking pretty nice though, but I don't get really excited about the weekends because, well, there's nothing really fun to do. The Pride events are this weekend here but as I've said before I just don't see the point in going. The people who are from here are people I already know of, anyone else would of course be from out of town and that never ever works out. I know that's always been the problem with gay University students who are up here for their first weekend - and they go to pride and see all these people and later realize that hardly any of those people are from here. I'm still very upset about the aftermath of the hurricane and how people are being treated down there. Some of the stories have been almost making me sick...at some point I had to turn the news off . I just couldn't watch much more. There was a story of a little boy who was about to get on one of the buses to Houston with his dog and they told him he couldn't bring the dog with. Apparently the boy was so upset from crying that he threw up. I was so upset by that story...I wish I could find out who he is so I could tell his mom...when the time's right, and they have the means to take care of a dog, I will find him a puppy. One thing these kids need is something - anything good to look forward to. I think the main problem affecting the people working there is overwhelming burnout. You can not provide for thousands of people whose needs are immediate. No matter how great your intentions are you must have someone else you can arrange a two hours on/two hours off rotation. One thing that I've been noticing is how nervous the president is all of a sudden. The media seems to know something the rest of us don't yet - I have a hunch that somewhere Bush fucked this up, he knew he should have acted on this much earlier and did not, and now not only does he have half the country pissed off at him, it appears that the black activist groups are ready to go fucking nuts...and they should. This is so obviously about race and social status! What the hell was he thinking by not doing everything he could to get these 95-year-old women out of there? We had every resource possible to send to the other side of the earth for the tsunami but 5 days to get to New Orleans? What about those huge military planes that are big enough to carry semi trucks? I mean something to get these folks out of there! Its a disgrace...absolute disgrace and I think we are about to witness a very interesting 6-8 months ahead of us. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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16516
2005-09-03 16:57:00
2005-09-03 21:57:49
Disgusted
So it's a busy weekend here in Duluth. Two big events are going on. First, all the college students (90% seem to be from Minneapolis/St Paul) are arriving, throwing shit all over the yards and leaving their empty beer cans in the streets...gee...thanks a lot! I just love how these people from the Twin Cities come up here and dump all their garbage for the rest of us to clean up. The kids are no different from their parents, who basically come up here with their ATV's and snowmobiles in the winter, or camp up here, tear up the forests and leave the remains of their groceries (bought in the Twin Cities, judging by the store names on the bags) for the locals to clean up. And, it's Pride weekend here, but you wouldn't really know it by looking around the city. It's not like the pride events in Minneapolis by any means; down there you have Pride banners all downtown and its very obvious that there is a big event going on. Of course, there are 10 times the amount of people there, so that might have something to do with it also. Anyways, I went downtown and decided to sit down and get something to drink. Behind me were a couple of gay guys who had been talking and I couldn't help but overhear their conversation: Younger Yuppie Type Gay Guy: "So I met this guy last night here and he was married. He was hot. He looked perfect. Best sex I think I ever had." Middle Aged Relaxed Gay Guy: "That's cool...were you safe?" Younger: "I wish I could say I was. But I was on top of him, so there's no chance I could catch anything. And he was married. No married guys from Duluth would have anything." Middle: "You're kidding me, right?" Younger: "There is almost no way that the guy on top will catch anything. It's a proven fact. You can have anal on top, get or receive oral, anything but receive anal and you are fine without a condom" At this point I tuned out the conversation because it hit me, right then and there, why I haven't done anything with anyone in so long. That kind of attitude. Now, honestly, I am no saint when it comes to my past. I have done some very stupid things, and thank God I am safe today. I have been tested - recently - after being celibate for over three years. There is something about what goes through your mind as you are waiting for those results to come back - it makes you realize what your life is worth...and why would you invest all this time and energy into working out and then turn around and put your life in danger by having unsafe sex with someone you don't even know, and will never see again? As an educated person in the wealthiest nation in the world, why the hell would you do that? I think what has happened with me, to an extent, is I have grown up. I know what the risks are, and I have read the stories of all the guys who were sure "he" didn't have anything when actually he did. Since these two guys never saw each other again, once one gets sick, there is no way to contact the other, and who knows how many guys he has infected by then. That is the kind of stuff that scares the hell out of me because it is obvious to me that whatever education has been presented to gay men either gets laughed off or something happens with gay men that says 'live for today, who cares about tomorrow, etc'. Tomorrow might be a year from now and it might be some night when you've got some flu that isn't going away. Then you end up in the doctor's office - alone - that hot guy from a year ago is barely a memory today - and you find out you've got HIV. Whether or not HIV is a manageable illness is not the point. The ability to prevent it, and the responsibility we have to get tested so we don't pass it onto someone else, is. You know, when I heard that guy say "well, nothing's going to happen to me, I was on top!" I just wanted to turn around and say - you fucking scumbag - what if YOU had something and you gave it to him? So it's only YOU who matters? So what if he gets infected; it's all about you? That kind of attitude that we gay men have absolutely drives me crazy and I think sometimes that is why our relationships never work. Because you've got two very headstrong, usually successful and independent men who basically have a 'take it or leave it' attitude, and couldn't give a shit about one another. How ironic that this is something I overhear at PRIDE - which is supposed to be an event which celebrates our ability to survive as individuals in a society which is not very friendly to us. In all actuality, WE are the ones who do the most damage to each other.
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20927
2005-09-04 20:08:00
2005-09-05 01:16:07
For the love of carpets
Today I did some fall cleaning at home, and updated my room with new carpeting. I tell you, next to fresh paint, nothing changes a room like new carpet. Before I had the old crappy tile floor that, no matter what I did or how much I cleaned it, it never seemed clean. It had scuff marks from a cheap office chair I used a couple years ago that never came up. The only difference now is, I can't spill anything! At least on a tile floor - you just wipe it up. If you spill milk or drop pizza or anything else on carpet, it's a long process to get it up. Or a stressful one at that. Either way, I'm lovin' my room. Now, all I have to do is 1) declutter, and 2) accessorize. I need a few power objects on the walls, something classic and clean looking. No more ripped up posters with staples in them. I want to get new covers for the heating vents - something clean looking and nice. The metal ones that were always here are looking dirty and bent. There has to be something nicer looking. I want to get a new mirror also, something that opens the room up more. As for lighting, eh, well, I'm not sure. I'm still working on that. I've thrown around this other idea for a long time now: should I or shouldn't I dig out all my old journals and compile them onto livejournal? It's so much work, and it's going to take months, but I'm going to do it. So starting from 1992, I am slowly updating my posts on here. Within 6 months I hope to have every journal entry I've ever written "live". Mostly I am doing that for myself, because, if I lose my original copies, I always have the back up on here, and it's kind of nice to have everything in one place. As I read through my journals I see how much I've changed, but how many things still stay with me. It's interesting. At the time I began to keep a journal, I was pretty insecure and immature. I am glad I have somewhat changed in that time. I have learned from my mistakes, but as my journals show you, I had to make some of them mamy times to learn that lesson.
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22953
2005-09-05 12:07:00
2005-09-05 17:07:57
Labor Day & Thanksgiving
Today I just feel so lucky...after the events that have occurred in the past week, I am so happy to be alive - for my family to be alive. For my parents, myself, and Murphy & Misty to be healthy and have a home. So many people had that a week ago who no longer do, and uncertain of when they will again. I spent the past week thinking about my own life in comparison...I am so lucky to be loved as much as I am by my family. I have so many things and people and pets that give me a sense of being that any of those folks down south would probably give anything to trade places with me. The center of this tragedy is on race and class - undeniably. But anyone can be the victim of a disaster and lose their sense of self in it. Unless they appreciate the people in their lives and let them know. Until you've lost someone you often don't know how much they meant to you. And no matter how much disagreement or tension you had with them, after they're gone there's nothing you wouldn't do to get them back. I've been trying a kinder approach towards people lately. Even though I feel isolated psychologically, I discovered that I do love people and I think I would defend anyone who was helpless if I had the power to do so. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just stood by and watched while someone drown or was killed and I could have done something. But that's scary because sometimes not only does the original victim drown but so does the rescuer. Common sense is the main thing to keep in perspective: if the environment isn't safe then you will not be able to help...you will only be another victim that ends up needing to be saved. It's so interesting going over my journals. I was so focused on how I looked and what others thought of that. I still care, of course, but I think I've realzed there are other things that make you who you are. And its not all about you. Looking back it is clear to me, now, that I wouldn't have been ready for college at 18. Emotionally I was at least 5 years behind...my mind was just all over the place. I was more interested in running around Minneapolis talking to street people and watching bag ladies than I was in sitting in school. In some ways I regret that because I probably would've been in a much different place today had I gone, but I do think that everything happens for a reason, and the field I am going into requires some actual life experience and exposure to different kinds of people...which I definitely have had. I had no problems just going out and meeting people back then, today I never meet anyone. I've learned to be careful and not everyone is as kind as I am. Particularly in the gay world there are a lot of damaged souls who have no conscience, and I think some of them like to hurt other people just for fun. That kind of self-hate latches onto others and does the same to them. It's like an emotional AIDS. I've seen a lot of that. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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25730
2005-09-07 17:13:00
2005-09-07 22:13:53
My Letter to the Duluth News-Tribune
My letter to the Duluth-News Tribune in response to all the letters written by these local assholes concerning Pride: I debated over getting involved in this discussion. The topic of morality and gay people is something that has remained an obsession around here for over 20 years - yet the letters continue, the opinions stay the same, and nothing changes. My response provides an observation. The things people choose to become outraged about amazes me. Over and over again I continue to see the same suggestions in these letters: gay people are immoral, unworthy, and unloveable. There is much religous and moral rhetoric behind these letters, but yet I rarely see other obvious problems in our community challenged. Duluth has seen a dramatic increase in gang activity and drug dealing over the past 10 years. Street robberies and assaults have increased. Drug sales on or near school grounds have increased. Yet nobody confronts this. Nobody confronts the amount of unmarried people here who have multiple children with multiple partners. These are just a few examples of immoral behavior in our city. People who write anti-gay letters are hypocrites. You don't get to have it both ways. If you are able to confront gays and lesbians, then you should darn well be willing to walk up to gang members and drug dealers to confront their immoral actions. How come you don't do that? Because you're afraid of being hurt. Cowards. As well, if you truly desire a society that is moral, then you will be an example for children in danger of participating in crime. You will be a person of character who believes in the goodness of all people. Many people talk that talk, but hardly anyone can walk the walk. I truly believe there are evil intentions behind many of these anti-gay letters. Any intelligent adult is aware that a variety of people read this newspaper. It should be obvious, then, that these writers are aware of the amount of young people in Duluth who are quietly struggling with their sexuality. Alone. They are taking in every negative word in your letters with shame. Thanks to many of you, their self-esteem and self-worth is damaged for years to come. I have seen the results of what that does to a person over time. Your words are cruel, and you are participtaing in a discussion you know nothing about. I am not letting the gay community off the hook either. Much of the negativity in the community at large trickles down into the gay community, which encourages hostility towards one another. Some are out, but far too many sit in their homes and hide. I would estimate the majority of gay people here are completely isolated from one another. It is unacceptable for a community that has over 100,000 people have so few openly gay folk. In order to receive respect, dignity and kindness from society, it has to be shown within the gay community as well. No matter how hard Duluthians stamp their feet about Pride every year, I leave you with this: gay people always have been, and always will be, a part of Duluth. They have quietly been your neighbors, friends, family members, teachers, doctors, and motivators for years. You just never knew it.
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26436
2005-09-09 14:46:00
2005-09-09 19:46:09
Organized
And so another school year begins. I have no idea where the summer went. It does make me feel better to know that I had the chance to get outside and have fun on the most gorgeous days of the summer. Not everyone was that lucky. But the time does fly, and before we know it New Year's will be upon us. With that in mind, it's really hard to get with the program as far as getting organized with my classes at school. Everything i am taking is online this semester, so really it's up to me to be my own instructor, motivator and guide. When I'm good at this I'm really good, but when I fuck this up I usually fuck it up fatally. An example is when I took all these classes online and got in way over my head, and left all the work for the last two weeks of class. Needless to say, I have a couple of F's that I still need to work on. But I'm getting it done. I've been asked many times by many people why it has taken me so long to complete school. And I will be honest about it all: I don't see the point in rushing through school only to spend the rest of my life sitting at a desk waiting for those two weeks of freedom - per year. One of the main purposes of completing school so early is so a person can get out into the 'world', get married and have kids while still a certain age, and have the skills to provide for a family. Since I do not have a partner or any kids, I guess I don't see the point in rushing through school. I'm not pitying myself by saying that being alone gives you no point in life, I think that it might be the opposite. Being alone allows you to focus on yourself and what you really want. Back when I lived in Minneapolis I kept saying I would go to school, and I did. But I had no direction and no clue as to what degree I really wanted to get. I felt like, after completing high school, the pressure was on to 'pick something, just pick anything'. That is kind of ridiculous thing to say - that degree is going to basically provide for yourself for years to come. If you end up hating your profession, then all that time and money was for what? One of the privileges of being gay and single is that you can do what you want, when you want to. There is nobody to impress. You don't need to do things that you really don't want to do. Even though I am firm believer in education today and plan to get a doctorate degree within the next 10 years, I dislike how a degree has become the standard to getting even the most meager of jobs. There are people who do not have the means to pay for school, and there are people who, like me, had different ideas about what education means. I met some of the most interesting people I've ever met when I was in Minneapolis, and I learned quite a bit from them. I think that theory is important, but real life is also. Theory doesn't apply to some situations that we face. I think what I am getting out my education today is unique: since I have had some street education and the chance to see what really happens in some situations, I know that some things in life are not black or white. There are lots of grey areas. You can not apply textbook theories to people - we are all different, and the way that we say the same things all means something different also. It is not easy, but slowly I am learning how to see each person I encounter as an individual who doesn't deserve to be judged or stereotyped. That is really difficult sometimes. I still have a long ways to go on that one. It's like that letter I wrote to the News-Tribune but never submitted: at that moment, that is what I felt. When I look back at it, I don't really believe that most people here are that hateful of gay men. But I do believe that people who use the 'moral agenda' rhetoric to persecute us should refocus their energies on the groups that are really damaging our community. I am sick and tired of being labeled the problem when none of these folks actually state what it is about gay people that's so despicable. Anyways, getting back to the school stuff. I've been taking online classes now for a few years, so I have learned a little on how to do this successfully. You have to keep up with it every day - or have a dry erase board in your room with a set schedule that you follow. No exceptions - it is the same as attending the actual class. Otherwise you end up doing it whenever, which never works. This weekend I am going to sit down and plan that kind of schedule for the rest of the semester so that things make more sense. This first week is always a little stressful, even if the classes aren't at school.
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anxious

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26869
2005-09-11 18:25:00
2005-09-11 23:25:41
September 11th'ed out
So as I was running on the treadmill this morning I watched MSNBC and of course the headlines mostly concerned the September 11th memories. I'm going to skip all the oohs and aahs about where I was that day and what I was thinking. I do not think it is necessary to re-traumatize people with those images. The one thing I was happy about is that neither MSNBC or CNN replayed the scenes of the airplanes crashing into the Twin Towers. Again, it's only been four years. It is not really necessary to bring us back to that moment. People are still struggling with those images and memories. We are at a time in society now where news becomes old after a week. There are 'retro remixes' of songs - from 2000! News might become old news fast, but trauma has not sped up in that fashion. Wounds like these ones heal slowly, as we will see soon enough with Hurricane Katrina. So I am wondering, while it is important not to forget about all those whose lives have been permanently changed by 9-11, families who have lost loved ones, etc., is it really necessary to relive this day every year? I can understand 10 years later, 20 years later, etc., but at 4, 7, 8, 12 years will we still be going through all of this? And another interesting thought: once the Bush presidency is over with, will the importance of 9-11 disappear also? September 11, 2001 was a day that most of us will never forget, and more importantly, the direct results of September 11th in the years following. The way it shaped the divide of this country. The way it encouraged ignorance and a sense of anything but solidarity. It shows how your assumptions of how people should come together after a catastrophe just don't happen. I will always remember seeing 'United We Stand' stickers immediately after the attacks, only to be replaced with 'marriage equals man + woman' stickers and 'im pro-gun and i vote' stickers two years later. So much for united we stand! This presidency has been marred with rhetoric and lies: from "United We Stand" (meaning either you are with Bush or are against him); "Support The Troops" (meaning you either support the war or are anti-American). and of course the anti-gay marriage stickers. Why would any straight person give enough of a shit to go out of their way sticking that on their bumper? It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
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artistic

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26897
2005-09-15 17:06:00
2005-09-15 22:06:22
I'm growing wheat grass!
Usually my mornings zap all of my negative energy, which leaves the rest of the day more open and positive. Today, it was the opposite. I had such a great morning, everything went so well, I think I spent my positive energy instead! I've been just exhausted this afternoon and I can't figure out why. It has been such a nice day here after forecasts said it was going to be raining. That is a good thing. The school year is going the same way they usually go, the first few days or couple weeks I kind of putz along and drag my heels and suddenly after the first few weeks I have a set routine and everything is where I want it to be. It's just figuring out how to organize everything. I've been growing wheat grass in our garden this past summer and today I 'harvested' some of it, put it through the juicer and drank it (I've been doing this most of the week). It's really not bad stuff. For someone who hates vegetables, I can handle drinking wheat grass. If that is something close to an alternative, then I think I've solved that problem. I'll just have to keep growing it this winter inside by a sunny window. You know, I have this inner battle going on inside where I try to keep these negative feelings at bay and it sure isn't easy. I just feel like I'm in such a rut right now in terms of who I am and what I want. I feel like this is something I should have gone through and solved years ago...and maybe I have been but never recognized it until now. It his me when I'm in some public place like a coffee shop or something and I overhear someone talking about their kids or family or something and I end up feeling so empty. This is a very familiar feeling, but over the past ten years its gone from longing for what these people have (which means it is still a possibility for me) to having lost all hope in ever meeting someone. I don't want what is in Duluth. I already know what my options are here - someone submissive or much older or much fatter, or someone I have nothing in common with besides being gay. I am never going to settle for that. That would never make me happy. I also know at this point that moving isn't feasible either. Not only do I have no money now, but where the hell am I going to go? All I know are Duluth and Minneapolis, and both places haven't generated much of anything for me. Where else am I going to go? I am in no mood to be starting over in some new city that I've never been to. I just don't have the desire, and moving won't guarantee anything anyways. So it's this feeling of...fuck...what if the rest of my life remains this unfulfilled? I have no clue on how to find any comfort or peace in that. I think that almost everyone wants to have someone special in their lives...that they can relate to, where there is some mutual attraction, etc. and I just don't see that happening for me. There are no more presents to unwrap in Duluth. I already know what there is to choose from here and I just don't want it. Why doesn't anyone new ever come here? One of my main complaints has been that, over and over again, it's always the same guys. Same guys as 15 years ago, just older now. Nothing changes. This is something I wasn't aware of when I first came out. I figured that new guys would come around, that there would be new opportunities. There was some potential to find someone here. But I am finding there isn't. And from talking to as many people as I have in other cities, I just don't believe it is going to be much different anywhere else. So my rut is what to do next. I just don't see this as a problem that has an answer, I only see my changing my response to these feelings as a possible change. I say I have accepted this for what it is but I really haven't. I still am angry that my options are basically nothing. I still am angry that the gay people here are always the same guys. There is no answer to this because I can't make the guys that I am interested in become gay, and I can't force myself to be interested in the gay guys that I just have no interest in. It doesn't work. It's one of the most isolating feelings I know of. In any case most people have someone they can date, someone who is interested in them and who they are interested in. But when you are gay it is so much different. Everything concerns things that are out of your control. You have the younger guys who you might be attracted to, but have no experience in relationships (and these guys are 23 - most str8 guys at 23 have had many relationships by that time. Gay guys are at least 10 years behind their str8 peers in terms of emotional stability). So while it might seem attractive to be with someone younger, the reality is that they are going to take off within 3-6 months. I won't go through that again. Then you've got the guys my age who have their shit together and have gotten whatever they needed accomplished. That hasn't happened for me yet, nor will it for quite a while. I've got a ways to go, and knowing how judgmental most gay guys are, I don't expect anyone to understand or accept my situation in life. All I have ever seen since I've been out of the closet are examples of weak, submissive gay men. I am so tired of seeing the typical queen. I so badly want an example of a strong man - someone I can have a future with. The problem is that you've got all these gay men looking for that, and at the same time none of us want each other, while the guys we want only want each other. So nobody gets anything amongst this very small group of guys to begin with. That's what I just hate. And I don't see any way out of it. That's the worst. I've tried anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, etc. but after a while they just don't work. What I stress is that I do not go through all this just because I want a boyfriend. It is not even about that. It has more to do with a sense of self: when you go against everything that is traditional and 'normal' it wears you down after a while. It really does. I have been out now since I was 15, I have for the most part been alone, I have met very few gay friends who have been honest people and good friends, I have no idea what real intimacy is, I have no idea what being with a strong young man would be like. I have missed out on so many things that most people take for granted. Because of this I don't know who I am or what that means about my sexual worth. It is very hard to feel good about your sexuality when you never get any acknowledgment from anyone you'd be interested in. I just don't know how much longer I can stand this...I mean, on a day to day basis I am fine. I get through the days, and the weeks pass, and the seasons change. But emotionally I do not feel any difference. I want to be held by someone I'm attracted to. I want to feel safe in a strong young guys arms. I want to feel like I am with someone who's not going to be gone by Thanksgiving. I don't know what any of those things feel like. I would have been hopeful that someday I would find that, but as the years of waiting become 10, I have lost most of my hope that I will ever feel those things I desire to feel. I just don't know how to make sense of that.
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okay

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27243
2005-09-17 13:45:00
2005-09-17 18:45:08
The Spirits of the Lake
I was talking to a really nice woman the other day at the fitness center, someone who I have been getting to know over this past summer. We seem to connect on some level and we were talking about why we stay in Duluth. She said something about the city that I never realized before - the energy system of Lake Superior. There is something about the lake that captures you. When you go down to the canal, you see how strong the currents are and how that current can take you under almost immediately. People have committed suicide by jumping into the pier. To my knowledge nobody has ever survived after jumping in. It's that strong. In another sense, the lake also draws out your emotions. There is some kind of magnetism here that I did not feel in Minneapolis - I long for a sense of being here, I feel like I have to deal with my issues. In some way that's a good thing, because I have learned that running away from whatever is bothering me doesn't work. On the other hand, it is bad because I tend to dwell on things - for years, and many things I dwell on have no immediate solution. They are things that I have to learn how to live with and get on with life. Often I just don't know how. I saw a comment someone made the other day about constraints. The nice thing about being gay is that none of the traditional expectations apply to you. You get to live your life on your terms - those around you who are aware of your being gay know that you are different already, so pretty much anything else you do isn't going to be a shocker. I feel a little better knowing that. This nagging feeling of...I should be doing something important by now...I wanted to be a doctor when I was in 6th grade, whatever happened to that...I have such motivation and excitement about the future, and then the next day it's completely gone. And a week later it's back again. I feel that I am in the best place I can be right now. I am around my parents, and that is good for my stability. For too long I have had no clue on what I'm going to do next or where I want to go. Now, I know what I have to do and I have the basics solved so that I can do things like finish school or work on my masters. What I need to keep in mind are small victories. My goals tend to be long range, huge goals that take a lot of time. They are not instant, and they are not easy to attain. I'm in the middle of reaching some goals now (with school) but in the middle comes a plateau where you want to be out there - admired, feel that you are contributing something positive, feeling like this is what's supposed to be happening during this time of my life. I don't feel like that right now. I feel like I have to explain my ups and downs with this depression and why that has kept me from school and why that has basically fucked up my adult life the way it has. The only difference now is that I'm aware of it, my parents are aware of it, my doctor is aware of it, I'm controlling it, and I am able to live. I was not able to live before that...I still get very depressed but it does not drag on for weeks at a time or cause me to drop out of school, as it did a long time ago. Medication has been a big help (once I have found the right ones), but more important have been the choices I've made in recent years. I think I was so anxious to meet anyone in the past that I would do just that - and either get hurt badly or be disappointed afterwards. Now I hardly ever meet anyone - but what's worse? Meeting people over and over who make you more discouraged, or bypassing all of that and longing for the kind of person you want to connect with? I did meet some nice people in the past, but the real deal is that I was meeting them out of desperation. That is never a good thing because even if you are meeting the right guy, he can't see the real you because you are too busy trying to do whatever it takes to reel him in. I think I am getting to a place now where, when I do meet someone, I won't lose myself like I have before. I know now that meeting someone special is not the solution to everything. It sure helps, but it's not a cure. I found that out with Misty. I love her more than anything, but I still have bad days. I still go back to feeling lonely. Having her in my life helps, but a lot of the other stuff hasn't gone away. There is a certain amount of acceptance that I am guessing comes with life experience and patience. I want to become that kind of person. I think about parents who learn to accept their kids who are gay. Or learn to accept that their kids have some kind of handicap, or just about anything else. I think maybe everyone has expectations about what's going to happen and slowly they realize that it's not going to be that way. You can either become angry and detached or accept what's happening and learn how to live with it. I've been in both places. I've done angry. I've done avoidance Those are easy things to feel because they suggest empowerment, they make you feel like you have control over what's going on. I'm mad because things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, so I'm going to be nasty to everyone. Or I am just going to run away by moving to a new city; that's going to change everything. In time you realize that's not the person you really are...what does work is some kind of compromise...the reality is, in order to survive and be somehow happy, you have to accept your life for what it is. The problem with being gay is judgmental overdose. Because so many of us live our lives on our own little islands, we forget that other gay guys have their own stuff too. We judge them by standards that even we can't live up to, and then belittle them for not being perfect. I know I do this, and conversely I hate when it's done to me.
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Not Bad

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27506
2005-09-18 14:21:00
2005-09-18 19:21:40
No Sex In This City
Here's an interesting letter I saw the other day online. Some of the stuff in it (like sending donations, etc) is a bit hokey, but the rest is interesting (my thoughts to follow): Ashram West Newsletter 19 September 2002 On Finding a Partner Dear Friends, Have you ever wondered where all the good men can be found? I'm talking about husband/partner material here. Obviously, I'm addressing this question to those who presumably don't have husbands/partners or who are looking for better ones. I regularly receive e-mails from gay men from all over the world, so I get a perspective on common issues that I might not get if I did not invite this kind of contact. One of the most common laments I hear from gay men from Viet Nam, Brazil, Australia, Saudi Arabia, India, England, Italy, rural America, or Chicago, New Orleans, Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, or Ft. Lauderdale, is how hard it is to find or meet men who are willing and able to participate in the intimate dance of male coupling. Sex can be found almost anywhere, but true love and the willingness to commit seem almost universally hard to find. Without even getting into the loaded and probably impossibly complicated issue of what qualities make a man a suitable partner, the most obvious r eason for the seeming scarcity is statistical. If homosexually oriented men, by generous calculations, constitute ten percent of the general male population, we're already dealing with a severely limited population, compared with non-gay women, for example, who presumably have more choices among the world's 90% majority of presumably non-gay men. Furthermore, out of those ten percent of men who have or desire sex with men, an even smaller percentage could be called "gay," meaning they actually identify as gay men. There are men all over the world who regularly have and prefer sex with other men, but who would never think of identifying as gay, often because their concept of being gay means only being sexually receptive or because they are married to women. We who are presumably more enlightened and better adjusted to our homoerotic orientations would seem to constitute only the tiniest sliver of the total male population pie, so on the face of it, it shouldn't surprise us at all that finding a partner ought to be difficult. Even among the tiny minority of men in the world who might actually consider the possibility of settling down with another man in some kind of domestic partnership, how many are actually available is hard to say. It might be argued that the "best" men are mostly already taken (present company excluded, of course), which naturally only leaves the lesser choices for the rest of us. Other factors that make men unavailable in some sense might include emotional damage so severe that just accomplishing the barest tasks of self-support is often difficult, or lesser but all-too-common damage from one or more broken-heart experiences that leave many gay men, who at one time would have welcomed the possibility of partnership, emotionally numb and phobic of romantic involvements. I see this often among men around my age (49) and older, who content themselves with fleeting sexual encounters, or who maintain steamy affairs with their video viewing equipment, and get most of their emotional gratification from friends or from pets. As if this bleak state of statistical affairs (non-affairs?) were not reason enough for lamentation, we have to factor in the penchant of men in general and possibly gay men in particular to chase after beauty, variously defined by one of several masculine archetypes, butch daddies, androgynous pretty boys, bears, cubs, circuit muscle boys, preppies, twinkies, etc., etc., etc. With hordes of already rare gay men seeking some version of Brad Pitt, Tom Selleck, Tony Soprano, Leonardo di Caprio, or even less-attainable fantasies such as improbably bulging Tom of Finland images, professional body builders, or some slinky, very convincing Cher impersonator, how can those who don't look remotely like any of these fantasy men hope to get enough attention to get a chance at romance, much less marriage? And don't imagine that it's any easier for those rare few who do one way or another by luck of the genetic lottery, hard toil, muscle-building pharmaceuticals, surgery, the clever layering of clothing, or some combination of the above manage to approach some ideal of masculine beauty. As much as we might imagine that beauty confers privileges, it also has its prices, not only in the tiresome and ultimately impossible quest to maintain it over time in the face of inevitable aging and disease, but in the envy or intimidation it evokes in those who consider themselves less beautiful, often causing them to shun beautiful men while also desiring them. Having myself been told time and again that "someone who looks the way I look can have anyone he wants," I can report that all too often men whose attention I'd be happy to attract will overlook me for others they consider more "in their league," the fallacy being that big musclemen only desire other big musclemen. I've known big musclemen who stopped working out just so their bodies would return to a more natural, and they hoped, less-intimidating and thus more-competitive form. Which brings up yet another reason we may find too few suitable candidates for partnership, the quirky elements of erotic attraction. Although I cannot count how many times I've heard gay men claim they "don't have a type," the fact is that we all have at least a "type range," certain characteristics that combined in various proportions add up to erotic fireworks. I have observed that some gay men seem to have broader type ranges than others, but I know of no gay man who will have sex with absolutely anyone as long as he has or looks like he ought to have a y-chromosome. Even if we manage to find men who fall within the range of physical characteristics that push our erotic buttons, we still have intellectual, emotional, economic, and possibly spiritual compatibility to contend with before settling down together becomes workable. Then what is a single, marriage-minded gay man to do? If misery loves company, then at the very least we single gay men can take whatever comfort there is in knowing that no matter where we live, we are not alone or unique in finding it difficult to find partners. But, if you're thinking that I'm going to offer some magical, spiritual solution that will make all of the above issues disappear and make finding a partner a snap, think again. Nor will I resort to the all-too-easy solution of ascetic withdrawal, and simply suggest that we should give up our desire for human partners and direct our attention to God. Although I believe there are at least as many spiritual opportunities to be found in the loneliness and isolation many gay men feel in their quest for true love as there are in the satisfactions of experiencing it, I do not believe there is any magic to finding a partner, if "finding" is really the right word at all. I certainly don't believe it is possible to give up desire, even if that were desirable, but I have experienced that desires change, fall away, or get redirected as we grow in self knowledge through experience. When faced with a difficult predicament—and partnering in the gay world is undeniably fraught with difficulties of which I've only barely scratched the surface in the above analysis—the reasonable approach seems to determine what is under our control and what is not, and then focus our attention and energy on what we can actually do, leaving the rest to God, the Universe, fate, past-life karma, or blind luck, depending on your belief system. In general we are powerless to control the feelings or actions of others, and mostly powerless to control even our own feelings, which leaves us with our own actions. When it comes to finding a suitable partner for ourselves, however we may define "suitable," we are faced with a huge statistical disadvantage, some greater and some lesser depending on how narrow our type range is. Although we can't will there to be more gay men of the type we prefer in the world, we can choose to make ourselves more available to the ones that are here. We can make ourselves more available in a variety of ways, which mostly have the additional benefit of being good for us and enjoyable in themselves in any case. At the grossest level we can make ourselves more available by "getting out" more. Although getting out for gay men has traditionally meant going to gay bars or clubs, in most large urban areas, especially in the West, there are other social opportunities for gay men and women that do not necessarily involve alcohol or other drugs or loud dance music. In Los Angeles we have gay hiking and camping clubs, gay scuba clubs, gay fishing clubs, gay biking clubs, gay running clubs, and even a gay ashram. By getting out to do whatever is enjoyable or meaningful, one increases one's opportunities for social contact. Getting out may also include getting out of a relatively isolated setting, such as rural Idaho, for instance, and moving oneself to one of the centers of urban gay life such as New York, Ft. Lauderdale, San Francisco, or Los Angeles. Gay men from all over are constantly moving to t hese large urban centers. and often between them, as well. At the Faultline bar in Los Angeles, for example, where Ashram West does monthly fund raisers, and where I usually go to socialize, on any given weekend at least 80% of the patrons of the bar are men I do not recognize, the turnover is so great. One possible downside of living in a gay ghetto, however, is that there may be a lot more competition, especially of the fantasy man variety. Sometimes having fewer choices makes it easier to be content with what is available rather than always seeking something better. I can recall walking into a tiny gay bar in Eureka, California (near the Oregon border), and having every head turn as I walked in, and this was long before my big muscleman phase. Here in Los Angeles, the body building capitol of the world, even embodying many men's muscle fantasy is no guarantee of getting that much attention. Of course, turning heads is no guarantee of winning hearts, and there are other limitations of small-town life that might overshadow the advantage of less competition. The Internet has opened a window on the world that makes connections with those even on the other side of the world possible in ways that were unlikely at best just a few years ago. Just today, for example, I got an e-mail from a rather handsome 29-year-old Palestinian man living in Jerusalem expressing his wish that we might meet one day, and who knows, we might. I may be preaching to the choir in this e-mail newsletter, but utilizing the incredible number of resources on the Internet for meeting other gay men both near and far seems only reasonable when balanced with face-to-face interactions. Even when going to gay bars is the preferred or only option, avoiding drinking to the point of stupor is a no-brainer if you want to be available to potential romantic partners. For those gay men who have never learned to socialize without having a few drinks, I would suggest taking whatever steps are necessary to learn those skills, whether through therapy, classes, or Alcoholics Anonymous. You can't stay drunk forever, and who but possibly another drunk would want you anyway if you could? Building and maintaining a relationship requires communication, so learning to communicate better is one important way to increase your chances of meeting a suitable partner and of keeping him once you've met him. The Cruising 101 workshops I offer monthly address specific ways to make more and better quality connections in bars and other social settings. The M2M Intimacy group I offer encourages group members to develop communication and other social skills. (See the Ashram West web site for details.) Practically anything you do for yourself that increases your knowledge, physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being will also make you more available and more desirable to others. While meditating every day, joining a gym (and actually working out regularly), enrolling in a ceramics class, or traveling to China may not guarantee you'll find the man of your dreams, at least you've had some enriching experiences in the meantime. Obviously, anything taken to an extreme will start to reach a point of diminishing returns. Michael Jackson and his incredible shrinking nose come to mind here. Balance, the middle path, a well-rounded life, whatever metaphor you choose, the idea is to develop ourselves in all dimensions and avoid getting obsessed merely with finding a partner. The more we do to develop or improve ourselves, the more we have to offer to our prospective partners, and the more we are likely to enjoy life in the meantime. Although some gay men I've talked with swear that the best way to find a partner is to stop looking for one, I think that getting out more while developing other interests is a more reasonable approach. I keep my eyes open for opportunities to meet new men wherever I am, and remind myself that any place I meet a man must be a good place because if I'm there, then other quality men must go there, too. An interesting article I noticed the other day (forget about the ads and the other stuff in it, just pay attention to what's being said - I've said the same stuff for years!)...my reactions to follow later. NEW Ashram West Web Site, Membership, and Workshops: I invite you to look over the totally redesigned Ashram West web site at www.gaytantra.org. Some new features include a free, downloadable version of the Introductory Essay in PDF format, ways to join Ashram West as an official member including a button to subscribe as a Supporter Member by pledging $10 a month, buttons that make it easy to make tax-deductible donations in any amount to the ashram using PayPal linked to a credit card or bank account, and a whole new shopping cart system for purchasing our books, allowing US customers to select books and the appropriate shipping and pay with a credit card, if desired. There is also a separate page for workshops and groups including the new Gay Tantra Study Group, and M2M Intimacy Group along with the existing monthly Cruising 101 Discussion Group. The first Gay Tantra Study Group is still accepting applicants, but not for long. If you are interested, you should contact me as soon as possible. Best wishes, Brother William
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awake

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27732
2005-09-20 18:09:00
2005-09-20 23:09:01
Eight one degree Tuesday
Anytime it is 81 in late September, it's time to put down the books and get outside. Which is exactly what I did today - but this time I was responsible. I still got everything accomplished, but took short breaks to get outside and enjoy the day. What a difference a couple of days can make! I was so depressed the other day when it was cloudy and grey out. Today the sun is shining, the air feels warm, and I feel really good. I really think that I have seasonal mood disorder...I always seem much more upbeat when it's like this outside. But I do have my good days in the middle of winter also. And that hopeful feeling in the beginning of spring which feels good too. Sometimes I would love to live in a place where it's always like this, sunny and hot, but I also know that places like that are almost always terribly expensive to live in and there's way too many people. No thanks. I think I'll enjoy what few days we have like this as much as I can. This time of year these kinds of days become less frequent, so I feel like I really missed something if I don't get out and do something. So the other day I mentioned that letter I had read and posted. It was interesting because it came from a gay tantra site. I still have some reading to do on the subject. Like the site suggests, most people think of tantra as a sexual, uh, study? But apparently it's more a philosophy and discipline, some sort of spiritual guide that doesn't have as much to do with sex as it does with spirituality, if I am reading the information correctly. For gay men I think we are so disconnected from our bodies and especially our souls, our humanness, that it is easy to see other gay people as unfeeling. So many guys have simply shut that part of their emotions off. That's an easy thing to do when you've been betrayed and lied to, and also when the people in your life who were supposed to love you unconditionally did not. It's not unlike some kids who grew up in such chaotic homes that they never develop any empathy for people; eventually they assume that nobody can feel pain, and so therefore they don't care who they hurt. Nobody's life matters to them, and even their own life doesn't mean much. They have nothing to live for anyways. I wonder sometimes if this whole 'bareback' sex phenomenon among gay men is a symptom of that. So many gay guys seem to have nothing to live for, no future to hope for, life doesn't seem very promising to them. So why not just go out and get HIV, that way you have a time frame and this will all be over with, the sooner the better. It's an excuse, really, to kill yourself. That's why I say that so many of us are very out of touch with ourselves. It consumes our spirit to the point where we don't understand why we're here. And I go through that too - why am I here? I can't have kids, I can't meet anyone, I don't feel like I've left any major impressions on the world; what is God's plan for me? That's something I've been wondering for much of my life. Sometimes I wonder if this is all some kind of dream - life - and all of a sudden, one day you wake up, and say 'damn...that was the strangest dream I've ever had (your life)'. What if that's all it is? I know enough about life now where I think it's a good thing to ask these sorts of questions. Straight people don't usually get to these thoughts until later in life because they have their kids or their marriages or relationships to keep them occupied, any maybe they lose part of themselves in that process. It isn't until much later, after the kids are gone or the marriage is over and they're alone, when they wonder, 'what is my purpose here?' I've braced myself for the next couple of weeks because I am very big on anniversaries and dates, and on October 6th it will be 10 years ago that I met Jeff. I know that I go on about it. And to be honest it's not as much him as it is...the feeling of physically being with someone on an ongoing basis. No one night stands. No 2 week 'relationships'. This is real life, adult, grown-up stuff. I feel like I only had one shot at that, and Jeff was that one shot. So for me, kind of reliving that night and those exciting weeks following that are just amazing memories that will always stay with me. I've never felt so excited about another person, I never felt so right about someone, and I never felt so nervous all at the same time. It definitely is a great feeling, but after it is gone you are left longing for it the rest of your life. And that's not much fun. I'm lucky that I even got that chance, many guys don't even get to have that.
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Grrreat

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28030
2005-09-23 18:47:00
2005-09-23 23:47:27
My Coming Out Story
There is a certain change in the air at night that brings back feelings of autumn. I was outside this evening and realized that this was the time of year I came out to my parents. Since National Coming Out Day is October 11, I figure it makes sense to mention my story. It was late September/early October 1989. I was in 9th grade at Washington Junior High School here in Duluth. I had just transferred there from Marshall School, a private school that attracted the upper income families around the city. Marshall was a 7-12 school, so often the 7th and 8th graders got picked on by the older students. I was having problems with two of them in particular, and I have no idea how it started. I had a weight problem during that time of my life which lasted up to that summer. I decided to make some big changes - I was going to leave Marshall and transfer into a public junior high outside of my own district. Washington was known as a dump. It was perched on the upper part of the Central Hillside, the poorest neighborhood in Duluth, and it was a very old building. In fact, my class was the last class to go through the school as it closed the following year. So I got in there at just the right time, and worked on the final yearbook which commemorated the history of the school. That was fun. The summer before 9th grade I decided to do whatever it took to lose weight. I controlled what I ate and started taking long walks in the evening. This paid off, and I did lose a lot of weight. I felt that possibly I would not be picked on anymore if I lost weight. For the most part, I was right. There were some not-so-nice kids at Washington, but nothing happened to me that didn't happen to anyone else. Now that I look back, I think that another reason for leaving Marshall was the realization I was gay. The counselors there at the time did nothing about my being harassed so I knew that coming out to them would be a bad idea. Things weren't much different at Washington either, at first. But then...and I forget who told me this...I talked to someone who directed me to the counselor who worked with kids in treatment, that she was a lesbian and would be very supportive. So within a week or so I was in her office, cried, and told her everything. And then something really strange happened. The next time we met, she took me a block away to the Community Health Center, where they had HIV tests and AIDS counseling. At the time, I did not know about the enormous amount of young men dying terrible deaths from AIDS. I knew what AIDS was, but I had no knowledge of how to take care of myself. I talked to the counselor there and he made it clear that if I had any problems with anyone - or if I had any sexual incidents or anything from my past, that I could come there and talk to them. I am SO lucky I had someone at that time who got me the education on AIDS that the school district was unable to give at the time. AIDS was not talked about in health class. Eventually I found myself at home talking to my mom about a pen pal I had been corresponding with. The previous summer I was at the library looking at the phone books for various cities (I know, weird). I had a reason for doing this - I knew that in one of these cities, I would find something 'gay' and something that I could get involved with. I found a place in Indianapolis that had a gay and lesbian pen pal program for youth, and I wrote to a couple of kids. So I was getting these letters every week and I was writing back; a couple of long-distance phone calls were made. I had become very attached to one guy named Tony who really changed my life at the time - I finally connected with someone who really knew how I felt. He was a few years older than me and lived in Minneapolis. I really wanted to meet him in person. My mom was getting suspicious that I was writing to all these boys from other cities and calling them. And getting cards and letters from them. She asked me if I was having any problems trying to figure out who I was, or if I had any questions about sexuality. I knew where this was going and flat out said I was gay, that their suspicions were right, and these other boys are gay also. Even though it came as no surprise (I never felt I had to hide my true self from my family - I kept very few secrets) I think the confirmation of...'what I was worried about really is true' was hard for both of them to accept. 1989 was a terrible year to be gay. To be gay then was a death sentence. It was almost a sure thing that young gay men were going to get AIDS at a young age, get very sick very fast, and die. That was reality for the few years leading up to that. I was quite sheltered from those images of young men dying. When I finally did see them, I knew. I knew why my parents were so worried. I knew why they didn't want to talk about it. It did not have much to do with my being gay as much as it had to do with transferring those images of near-death onto me. Because those images were so shocking and almost always of gay men, it would be hard not to think those things. Months went by and most of the anxiety around telling them wore off, however my mom did keep telling me to keep my options open, meaning that I should date girls just to be sure. There was still a lot of denial now that I look back. This went on for a year or so. Meanwhile I continued to write to Tony and the other guys. I met Tony and really liked him a lot. He was the first gay person I had met in real life (who wasn't old enough to be my dad), so I was very curious as to how to do this whole gay thing - I wasn't sure what I was looking for in him. All I knew was that I felt a tremendous sense of betrayal about a year later because he just disappeared from the face of the earth - no more letters, no more phone calls, the supportive, encouraging words - all gone. I think it was at that point where the seed of 'gay people can't be trusted' became planted in my mind. Those whole avoid-avoidance thing that I would see happen - guys would be so wonderful and want to know everything about you, then a year later they disappear into thin air. I couldn't figure it out. Everything I knew from my upbringing in terms of friendships and how to treat people was challenged. I did not believe in treating other people this way. But I began to see this as a pattern with different guys. So after this point I entered any relationship or friendship with gay men very cautiously. I still do. I am one of the lucky ones, most gay guys I know had a traumatic coming out. It ended with rejection, hostility or having to find another place to live. I hope more guys are having positive experiences like I did. It can't all be great, but being honest is a good start.
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Good

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28267
2005-09-24 12:14:00
2005-09-24 17:14:53
A rainy Saturday
Just completed my workout and its raining like a m-fer here. One thing that seems to be of luck for me is it usually starts pouring rain about two seconds after I get inside. I hate being caught in the rain, especially in the fall when its a cold one. I almost always get sick from that. Ok so where did I leave off last night...I had to go to the store with my dad so I was sort of pressed for time. Anyways, that was my coming out story. Nothing overly dramatic, no scenes, no months of family counseling. I don't think anything happened that was unexpected. The only really serious problem then, much like today, was the lack of other real, breathing, healthy young gay people from which to develop friendships and more. I didn't find that when I first came out and I'm not finding that now either. So I know I may have said this before but it bears repeating: being gay has very little, if anything, to do with sex. It has to do with a profound sense of isolation, either physical or emotional, from traditional society, which you are forced to accept. Throughout much of your life you will be alone. As understanding as people can be, often it is clear they don't want to hear about your life so they simply don't ask, which is fine because most of the time there's nothing to talk about anyways. Which brings me to where I'm at now. Living in Duluth brings you no benefit in mentioning you're gay so I don't bother anymore. It's not that I'm worried about what people think, but what's the point in even talking about it? I'm never going to meet anyone here, chances are they don't know anyone gay they'd be able to introduce me to. I just don't see the purpose in bringing it up when its just not necessary. If I had a boyfriend, maybe. But only if he's been around for at least a year. Look at all that bullshit I went through with Jeff and he was gone within a year anyways. I went through all that stress of wondering if people knew if we were a couple and what could happen, etc and it was all for nothing. So if I had to do it over again, I would have waited much longer before becoming more high-stakes. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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28639
2005-09-24 16:19:00
2005-09-24 21:19:12
Why gay porn sucks
I promise I have better things to do right now. But before I get to them (studying World War I) I have to comment on something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I think that for gay men pornography is an essential part of our lives. Since many of us basically can't get laid due to, well, lack of selection, we turn to the next best thing - fantasy. There is nothing wrong with that, and for many guys I think they can do this with no pictures, websites or magazines at all. They know what turns them on and are able to use their minds completely. They're the lucky ones. The rest of us have to resort to the crappy gay porn industry. The problem with it is inevitable really...I mean, you are dealing with a market that consists of what, maybe 2% of the population? So, in all fairness, there isn't a huge incentive to turn out a quality product when you could focus on the other 98% and their desires. Besides, you will always make hundreds of times more money with the worst straight porn than you ever will with the best gay porn. That's just how it is. So, what we are left with are the same kinds of guys, engaged in the same kinds of acts, like speaks to like so much that these guys might as well be having sex with a clone of themselves. Compared to straight porn, gay porn is lacking in many ways: little to no interracial couplings, no definite sexual roles - it's all staged almost to the point where you know who's going to do what, when they're going to "trade" and what happens next, I mean come on...it's boring. There are all kinds of guys in the world, different shapes, sizes, colors, ages, races; why aren't any of those guys mingling in the porn industry? I have no interest in seeing two guys who basically look alike in every way going at it. In fact, it seems kind of creepy. The only two recent trends haven't helped much either: "straight men" sites and bareback porn. The straight men site was intriguing at first, and I do admit most of these guys are terribly hot, but what good does that do me? I don't care that the guy has a girlfriend and what he likes to do with girls; why would that turn a gay guy on? Besides the idea that "he can't have him, but he can watch" thing, it just seems like...the implication is, straight guys are the "good stuff", gay guys are the "stuff that nobody else wants", and who can blame a gay guy for wanting to get a look at the good stuff? That is where gay porn splits off from straight porn in terms of what it does. For straight men, almost always they already have a wife or girlfriend. Porn is a temporary escape from the blahs, but not a replacement for a feeling of sexuality or exploration. With gay guys, pornography often is the only thing that gives us a feeling of being sexual, leaving the impression that straight guys can have everything, and gay guys can't have anything. I think that feeling is what screws up our sexuality so much when we actually do meet real guys in person. We are so used to porn as a replacement for sexuality that we don't know what to do. Or, through some of these straight men sites, the implication is that being gay equals being unworthy or undeserving, so we turn around and feel that other gay people aren't either, and wait for someone like the straight guys on the site. But let's be honest - yea, those straight guys are hot. Yea, most guys who are young and look like that are straight. Yea, most gay guys do have a complex of some sort and often times don't look like the straight guys who've been playing sports all their lives and lifting weights. Most of us didn't feel welcome on sports teams or felt intimidated so we didn't do those things. As a result, a boy who molds his body through sports as he is growing physically turns into a man with that jock body. It is almost impossible to develop that kind of look after you've stopped growing. Someone who's played football and baseball ends up having a much different body type than someone who strictly lifts weights. The ball player is going to have more of a rounded muscle type and the weightlifter will have a very lean, flat muscular figure. Neither one is better, but there is really a difference. I have been away from the general gay scene for so long now that I didn't really know much about the whole barebacking craze. When I was living in Minneapolis a few years ago, maybe it was happening a lot; I don't know. I never saw any bareback porn films though - and today they are all over the place. It just makes me cringe because it's literally the beginning of someone's fatal diagnosis, live and in person. It makes me sick because I know that, if someone is desperate enough to get on stage and have bareback sex with someone he doesn't even know, then it's not ridiculous to think that he also likely has a drug problem and is doing anything for drugs, which makes him even more susceptible to HIV/AIDS. We are going to see a whole new generation of gay men dying of AIDS, but it won't be for another 10-15 years. This country is going broke as it is, so I wouldn't count on being able to go on medical assistance to get all the medications covered by insurance. I get depressed about my life often, but doing this to yourself is clearly giving up. But we have a gay culture now that says 'live for the moment, who cares about tomorrow' and so getting that $500 for something that may or may not happen is worth the risk. And then, 2 years later, you meet someone and have forgotten about your past, and spread it to them; 10 years later you've got the worst flu of your life and find out you're HIV+. In ten years we might have a cure, but we also might be so damaged from this current financial and political crisis that you might be on your own. There may be no help left. In terms of safe sex I am lucky because I learned a lot very early. I spent many days at the Sauna listening to one guy telling 10 different 'new guys' completely different stories. One time he was an attorney. The next time he was a teacher. Another time he was a writer. Everything that this man said was one lie after another. He was so good at lying that he could even look someone in the eye and tell these stories. I worry about how many guys are this convincing. You just don't know enough about someone to where you can have unprotected sex. It's just not worth it. I used to think that maybe it's okay to watch bareback porn in place of doing it, but that doesn't work. Because someone's putting himself at risk. And it suggests that it's hot, and you should go out an do it. I don't know. I feel as if the gay porn industry can't get it right. They can't make up their minds. Do they want to present gay men as guys or girls? Why are the guys always shaved and stereotypical, yet such phony 'straight acting' crap that would make anyone barf. Again, unless someone's on drugs and desperate, there is no way any straight guy is going to get on camera and either let another man suck him off or take his clothes off for the world to see. If that is the case, then he's not really straight, or he's done it before. This whole 'first time' crap is all gimmick. I think I'm going to go back to the fantasies I have in my mind and go from there. The pictures and movies from the 'industry' just aren't cutting it for this kid.
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Needing to roll eyes at someone

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28696
2005-09-25 12:08:00
2005-09-25 17:08:54
Another shitty weekend
What is it about the weekends that either the weather sucks, me or my mom is in a bad mood which puts a black cloud over the house, or something else where I literally can't wait until Monday when everybody gets back to their routines and we're not all cooped up in the house all weekend. Aside from working out and doing schoolwork there is little else to do. I no longer like to go out to eat. I don't want to go to the mall because I will be tempted to spend money that I honestly don't have. Thank God for the internet. I forget what I used to do before that...I think I went downtown looking for trouble or hung out at the Sauna...however the Sauna became a very expensive habit, and almost every time I'd go there, I'd leave feeling as if I wasted my money. It's $14 to go there now and I used to know of guys who would go every day. What an expensive habit...and it doesn't help that the casino is only a block away, so a lot of guys would end up with a gambling addiction to try to pay for the sauna visits. It was just fucked up. Both things are totally a crapshoot - the casino usually is a worthless venture and the sauna, while sounding like a great idea, in reality was often a waste of an afternoon. Well, history and psych homework awaits. [Posted with hblogger 2.0 http://www.normsoft.com/hblogger/]
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28977
2005-09-26 19:45:00
2005-09-27 00:45:06
One More Depressing Thought & Then Something New
People might think it's strange that I am so interested in human relationships. The way that some guys read the sports section is the same way that I read about human behavior - I am so interested in what makes people do what they do, and why. I am always discovering new things about myself. I think that despite all my complaints and unhappiness I have learned a lot, and I am a better person for it. I've become a realist...I want the truth in plain english. I hate false hope - that's what I've been given for so much of my life and I don't buy into any of it today. Just be upfront. So in reading this book that I picked up last summer, written by Dr. Alan Downs "The Velvet Rage" (growing up gay in a straight world)...it's explained a lot of things to me that I previously just didn't understand or couldn't explain. This one part of the book I will type out...it is something I never considered before: "As a young gay man, the relationship with your father became a template from which your relationships with all other men would come. What you craved from him was love, affection, and tenderness. As we have seen, what most of us received from our fathers was far less. We needed our fathers to give us a loving model of a male relationship. Instead, what we got was the best they could give under the circumstances, which was far less than what we needed as gay boys. Our mothers were a different story. They were more often nurturing and loving (this is an enforced cultural norm for women). As we grew older, they sensed our differences and tried to make up for our pain by giving us extra attention and care. They saw their husbands perplexed by the son who wasn't like any of the other boys and often they tried to compensate for his further emotional detachment. For many of us, that meant we grew up receiving most of or all of the affection and tenderness we needed from our mothers, and very little from our fathers. This kind of relationship with a woman is wonderful, but left a huge hole in our experience with men. Where were we going to learn how to relate to a man in a tender, loving, and honest way? Where was our role model for maintaining a lasting relationship between men, without the intervention of a woman? As a result, gay men were unable as children and adolescents to have a close personal relationship with the gender they would grow to find erotic. To understand the enormous disadvantage this causes us, think about how it worked for young straight men. They were able to have a close relationship with a nurturing individual of the gender to which they were attracted. While it didn't always make them better at relationships, they had a template for what a close, loving relationship would be with their wives. In addition, women are taught in our culture to be the caretakers of relationships. They are expected to be the ones to nurture their husband and compensate for his lack of emotional disclosure. In most cases, it is the woman in a straight relationship who does the lion's share of creating and maintaining a warm sense of love and home. What all of this suggests is that we are at a severe disadvantage for successful relationships. Not only have we been deprived of a model of a tender, honest and loving relationship between men, we also didn't have the "emotional safety net" that a woman creates in a straight relationship. We were never given the social reassignment skills for nurturing and maintaining intimate relationships- as women are. When we finally met that other gay man and fell in love, he was just as likely struggling emotionally as we were. All the behaviors we developed early in life for survival have had traumatic effects on our relationships. We were prone to such relationship-damging behaviors such as betrayal and lying. In addition to being two emotionally wounded and struggling men, we have little to no support that new relationships need. Straight relationships are much more likely to receive this support. There are no clergy to advise us on the importance of staying together. For many of us, family is not an option, either. Family gatherings with a new partner are either out of the question or extremely uncomfortable. Even our closest friends might not be supportive our our new relationship; possibly due to the fact that we finally have one and they still do not. The cards were stacked for failure. All these factors converge upon us, making our romantic endeavors highly unlikely to survive the test of time. There is no way two emotionally wounded men can have a healthy, long-term relationship." As I read this last night I couldn't believe how much sense this made. I was lucky in that I have a terrific dad who is very much a part of my life, but the truth is, no matter how supportive our parents and friends are, there is no way they could ever understand our lives. There is really nothing that could be done to prepare us for being a gay adult man. As a result, well, I don't have to look very far to see that. It's just sad. Having it explained helps in that it makes sense...it makes sense when I hear it from someone else rather than develop this in my mind. I go back and think about the guys I've met in my life and I can almost always place their behavior and actions into this description. Hardly any of us have any idea on how to be a man and how to be a man who loves men. That's what's missing.
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29319
2005-09-27 20:15:00
2005-09-28 01:15:41
Tired by Charles E. Clifton
The Past, The Present and The Future By Charles Clifton 1959 – 2004 I'm tired from "tops" who believe they can't contract HIV. I'm tired from "bottoms" who continue to roll the dice. I'm tired from irresponsible HIV-positive barebackers. I'm tired from irresponsible HIV-negative barebackers. I'm tired of the belief that barebackers are always gay men. I'm tired, because it ain't true. I'm tired of condoms. I'm tired for everyone waiting for the results to come back from an HIV test. I'm tired. I'm tired for intravenous drug users who share contaminated needles. I'm tired for men who refuse to use a condom. I'm tired for the women and men forced to have sex with men who refuse to use a condom. I'm tired for sex workers who can't use a condom. I'm tired for young people who don't have sex education. I'm tired of prevention that doesn't seem to work. I'm tired. I'm tired from individuals who promote conspiracy rather than care. I'm tired from those who don't believe in re-infection. I'm tired from medications that make people sick rather than well. I'm tired from people who could, but don't, adhere. I'm tired for everyone in America, Africa, Asia and Eastern Europe who would adhere, but can't. I'm tired from a system that profits from homelessness, hunger and mental illnesses. I'm tired from illiteracy. I'm tired. I'm tired from some that believe women and children, the incarcerated and drug users don't deserve our attention. I'm tired because some believe that gay men don't deserve our attention. I'm tired from blacks that blame whites. I'm tired from whites that blame blacks. I'm tired from men who blame women. I'm tired from women who blame men. I'm tired from MSMs, SAMs, "trade" and "on the downlow." I'm tired of categories. I'm tired. I'm tired of incompetent negatives. I'm tired of unqualified positives. I'm tired of bureaucracy. I'm tired of cynics. I'm tired of the hypocrites. I'm tired of the dishonesty. I'm tired because I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed. I'm tired because I don't have time to do more. I'm tired because I don't feel like doing more. I'm tired. I'm tired from Slavery. I'm tired from Emancipation. I'm tired from Jim Crow. I'm tired from Civil Rights, Women's Rights, Gay/Lesbian Rights and now Healthcare Rights. I'm tired from prejudice and hatred. I'm tired from ignorance. I'm tired that mistakes from the past continue to be repeated. I'm tired. I'm tired from John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Robert Kennedy and my father. I'm tired from the events of September 11, 2001. I'm tired for this nation. I'm tired for this world. I'm tired for everyone who has ever lost someone to a senseless act of violence. I'm tired for everyone who will lose a loved one in the coming days, weeks and months. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired that I still grieve the death of Antonio, who died 15 years ago on October 8th. I'm tired of marking the anniversary of his death. I'm tired of wondering of what might have been. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of dates that always remind me of how tired I am. I'm tired of wondering what's next, who's next. I'm tired of this road. I'm just tired. Charles E. Clifton 1959 – 2004 From: Editor's Note Positively Aware November/December, 2001 Charles Clifton was the executive director of Test Positive Aware Network in Chicago. He was also editor of Positively Aware, TPAN's excellent journal of HIV treatments issues. Charles was on the steering commitee of the AIDS Treatment Activists Coalition (ATAC); chaired the community advisory board of the Retrovirus Conference; and chaired the executive committee of the North American Treatment Action Forum (NATAF).
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29465
2005-09-27 20:41:00
2005-09-28 01:41:41
Sun
There have been a lot of dark clouds over my head this week. Usually my workouts or something pulls me out of that rut, but the past couple of days I had no luck. I was exhausted trying to shift my thinking to something more positive, something that I could feel good about. I chose to post "Tired" because it describes how I've felt lately. I can't read any more negative information. I can't hear any more bad news, sad stories, or hopeless predictions. My own anxiety is created in all of this...almost a panic...and I question everything that I am. Why am I here? Why are certain things happening to me? Why have good things happened? Why can't I focus everything on the good things and people who care rather than the things I do not have? How do I take life on a daily basis rather than being scared of the future and apprehensive about the present? I've had so many moments when I've been out in public and I stop and think to myself...am I really here? Is this really happening? You go about your day to day and all of a sudden it hits you - the feeling of being invisible. The feeling of anger. Resentment. And then you become tired. You become tired of using the energy it takes to be angry and stuck. Recently I read that in psychology, people are often mischaracterized in terms of their 'stages' in dealing with loss and acceptance (anger, denial, bargaining, grief, acceptance). Those emotions don't always happen in that order, or at all. Some people get stuck on one and never move to another. Other people try to force their way through those feelings by fooling themselves that they've 'dealt with it' when they haven't. They end up right back at the beginning again. I've been there too. The hardest part is when you can't identify exactly what the problem is. For me it has been this battle between my emotional self and my rational self. When I'm in the right environment and state of mind, I know that generally things are okay, and all I can do is the best I can. The emotional side is chaos. It's panic. It's resentment and anger. It's a feeling of tremendous loss...what I wanted out of life, what I never got, and I never felt like I had the emotional skills to succeed at those things. Then I feel as if I'm not enough; that I am somehow damaged and have no worth. This becomes sort of a whirlwind of negative thoughts that keep me awake at night - black and white thinking - either I've fucked up everything or I'm working with a clean slate. Then confusion sets in - everything for me seemed so clear when I was in elementary and junior high school - my grades were perfect, I had teachers who saw my life with so many possibilities, and then something happened...I lost focus on what I wanted. That map I had planned for my life was now thrown out the window. Rather than focus on my education, I focused on going someplace where I felt among like-minded people. I couldn't stand to stay here any longer, because it meant a continuation of that awful feeling of isolation. But then I got to that new city that I had so many hopes for, and things weren't any different. There was no magic. Things weren't altogether different. Things were the same, only with different social structures. That same feeling crept right back and it was as if nothing changed. I was crushed. So I found myself back here, more confused than ever. The friendships I had did not feel real, they seemed to be light acquaintances that were in my life for a moment or so and then went on their way. Part of that was my own fault; at the time I had no social skills on how to build a friendship or what friendships between (gay) guys meant. I'm still not so sure. There's a feeling of...I'm insecure about this, and I think he's just as insecure as I am, so where's this ever going to go? How do two people with the same complexes and problems go forward? The truth is, they can't. They either drag each other down, or run in opposite directions the minute things get ugly. And that's exactly what I have experienced with other people most of my adult life. And that is probably why I feel so ambivalent about life and relationships as I do sometimes. I need to be sure of things. I need to know that I'm on the same page with someone else before moving forward.
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Positive

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29918
2005-09-28 18:58:00
2005-09-29 00:59:48
Yep. More walks down memory lane.
I miss Jeff so much at times. The hardest part is I have no way of contacting him, and evidently he doesn't want to contact me, so even if I wanted to I have no way of communicating with him. That is what makes it the hardest. And no I'm not some head case...it's just that the memories are so powerful. You so badly want what you can't have. Isn't that the story of our lives. The thing is, I met him when I least expected him. I remembered this and tried to 'not look' for a long time after that, and to no avail. I guess it has to happen on it's own. I will never forget how excited I was when I came back up here, and he was coming here to live with me...it was mid-January 1996 and the night he came up here (he took the Greyhound) the snow storm was so heavy that it took the bus 5 hours to get from Minneapolis to here. I was so anxious for him to get here. When I found out the bus was going to be that late..I couldn't stand it. I felt as if I had found this great prize down in Minneapolis and finally I had found someone who cared about me enough to want to come here and start a life with me. I felt like I was a part of something. I felt like...I don't know...things felt right. They felt exciting. I felt like I was in this with someone else - intimate. Not sexually, per se, but emotionally I felt like I was someone who really got me. We laughed at the same things. We watched the same shows. I didn't feel like I had to pretend anything with him. He wasn't like the other gay guys I had met who were so hung up on clothes or looks or social status. He wore jeans and a t-shirt. He smelled like a real guy. He wore beat up shoes and a basic blue jacket. There was nothing outrageous about him. I mean, we could be going someplace and I didn't feel like either one of us had to worry about being bothered by anyone. I've had that feeling with other guys I've met. He got here and I felt like everything was going to be okay now. Not only did I have my family here but I had him too, now I had what everyone else here 'appeared' to have. I felt like I fit in - even though I am gay - I felt like I could relate to what other people were talking about when discussing relationships. Before and after Jeff I just had nothing to contribute and that's always uncomfortable. There are so many times that I feel like that was it. That was the closest I got to having someone special in my life outside of my family. That was th closest I got to having my own sense of family that I found on my own. You feel like such a failure as you get older when you can not achieve those things. So what is it that I long for? is it him? Is it that feeling I got when I saw him, or when he stepped off that bus, or that comfortable feeling I had when we made plans for the future? That feeling of planning a future with someone else leaves you satistifed...you're no longer searching, you're no longer waiting. Yea, there were some feelings of 'what now?' and 'am I sure I want this?". but after waiting for so long to feel close to someone, I can honestly say that just being with him - or being with someone who really cares about you - is so special. This is why I do not understand when gay guys go online seeking sex or have these sexual names and quirks - I know what they mean because I can relate to those feelings. I think that quick-fix sex does great things to change whatever immediate bad mood you're in, but afterwards you feel so regretful. I know I have. And when I was with Jeff, things felt normal. I'm not saying that my life is in chaos when I'm alone, just that having someone else to look at and ask, how was your day...or you know when you see or hear something funny or crazy and you want to tell someone? He was the one I wanted to tell that to. He has the cutest laugh. It wasn't all great. We both had no idea what we were doing. I think I wanted this more than he did; emotionally I had much stronger feelings for wanting a relationship than he did. I had already been out to my family for 5-6 years at the time while he had just come out - after we met! I was at his parents house in Apple Valley for Thanksgiving. Surprise! It was a very quiet dinner to say the least. There were times that he was evasive and I didn't know what he was feeling, but he was upset with his parents or something and he got into these moods where he would turn into this brick wall. I just hated that. I remember talking to his sister once and she said he always does that and someday he would just explode...and I think he did. He had so many things happen in his life prior to meeting me that were so traumatic that I don't think he trusts anyone. He was born in South America and spent the first 5 years of his life in an orphanage before being adopted by his family here. He never talked about what happened in the orphanage, and I knew it was something really bad. I also knew that talking about it had to be his idea. He never did. I wonder if he was ever able to talk about that with anyone or if he is still stuck. We rescued each other. Then we didn't know what to do with each other. In between those two were the happiest times of my life. I will never forget them, and I will never forget him either. After he left I was so upset that I think I got rid of his photos and letters. I don't think I saved anything from our time together and I really regret that today. I wish I had something to remember him by. Because sometimes it feels as if it never really happened, you know? I don't want to forget his face or his smile. Turns out I did find one picture, and it is here,,,
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30103
2005-09-30 14:27:00
2005-09-30 19:40:16
Friday
Well, I am planning on going to Minneapolis tomorrow to run the Twin Cities Marathon on Sunday, provided that I can meet my friend down there and get everything arranged etc. The hard part is not the marathon at all - it's choreographing all this stuff so it all happens without a hitch. I haven't been to Minneapolis now in...3 years? It's been a long time. I haven't run the Twin Cities Marathon in either 9 or 10 years. Yes, it was that weekend that I met Jeff. The course that the marathon is on has to be one of the best - it wraps around downtown Minneapolis, hits the lakes and parks of the city, goes over a bridge and into St. Paul, then on to the capital and the end. Of course there are 26 miles between all these places, but it's so much fun. You almost don't even notice how far you've gone because the crowd is there all the way, and the crowd keeps you going the whole time. I remember the last time i ran the race it was darn cold - but once you've run a good 5 miles or so you're doing pretty good. If everything's cool and I can stay down there, great, if not, no big deal, I will just do it next year instead. Otherwise it's been a good day today. Yesterday I indulged in some odd behavior that, well, sort of took on a life of it's own. I know, this is crazy ex behavior going on here, but I've been honest so far so I may as well give the details of my insanity. I got home yesterday and for some reason I kept thinking about what I had written the other day, about how powerful this 10th anniversary date is to me (in meeting Jeff) so I decided to look around the house for anything that I had kept or whatever, because amongst all this junk I kept between all this moving I've done, well, there's got to be something. I have no pictures of him, so I had to settle for other things. It's as if I feel like I need something physical to prove he was here. It's fucked up. I know. But I need something to remind me that this really happened. I had a roll of film that we took together that I never developed, but I didn't find that. I did find this University of Minnesota plastic crate-thing of his that he brought all of his stuff here in. And I found a stuffed animal he had. It's a stufed moose - antlers and all - he would always put that moose in front of his mouth and talk to me with this 'moose voice' hehe. It was cute. He did give me this stuffed bear on Valentine's Day and it just occurred to me yesterday that it's in this house someplace but I'll be damned if I can find it. Then in the middle of looking for that I sat down and did what I needed to do for over year. I cried. I cried for a good 20 minutes and realized what I was doing and why; and that it was never going to bring anything back besides memories. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not; living in the past is never a good thing because you miss out on the future. My time with him was something that I did not expect, but for that kind of chance to happen again, I have to get back out there and do things and just keep at it. It's not esay, and yes, it is easier to sit home and remember the good times. But I have to keep remembering there are more good times ahead, just hang on to these memories I have of him and move on.
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